LET'S START WITH SOME INTERNATIONAL NEWS TONIGHT.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SONG "DESPACITO?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW --
( SINGING ) WELL, THE GOVERNMENT OF MALAYSIA
HAS BANNED THE SONG FROM RADIO AND TV IN THAT COUNTRY FOR
HAVING OBSCENE LYRICS.
THEY COULD BE RIGHT.
I'VE HEARD THIS SONG TWO-THOUSAND TIMES AND I STILL
HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) SEE, THIS IS A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE U.S. AND MALAYSIA.
IN MALAYSIA, THE GOVERNMENT BANS OBSCENE CONTENT.
HERE, THE PRESIDENT TWEETS IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IT'S NOW POSSIBLE TO GO AN ENTIRE DAY
WITHOUT HEARING DESPACITO.
YOU JUST HAVE TO MOVE TO MALAYSIA.
AND THERE WAS SOME ALARMING SCIENCE NEWS THIS WEEK.
NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT OVER THE PAST 40 YEARS, THE SPERM COUNT
OF MEN HAS DECLINED BY OVER 50% AND, IF IT KEEPS UP IT COULD
LEAD TO THE EXTINCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE.
( APPLAUSE ) I KNOW WHY YOU'RE CLAPPING.
REGGIE'S LIKE, SHORTER LINES AT DISNEYLAND!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WAS INTERESTING.
APPARENTLY, THE STUDY WHERE THEY EXAMINED THE SPERM OF THOUSANDS
OF MEN, WAS CONDUCTED BY-- YO MAMA.
( LAUGHTER ) YO MOMMA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WAS A CRAZY STORY.
A TEXAS-BASED COFFEE COMPANY HAS HAD TO RECALL A TYPE OF
COFFEE THEY MAKE BECAUSE IT CONTAINS AN INGREDIENT SIMILAR
TO VIAGRA.
NOW, THIS PRODUCT HAD ALREADY GONE ON SALE.
AND THE CUSTOMERS WHO TRIED IT FOUND OUT ABOUT IT THE HARD WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT WAS THE BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS, AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR DONUT.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WERE LIKE -- IT'S FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) FINALLY, THIS WAS OUTRAGEOUS.
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO RAN A LEMONADE STAND IN LONDON WAS
FINED $195 FOR NOT HAVING THE PROPER TRADING PERMIT.
SEE, THIS IS WHY I MAKE MY KIDS OPEN ALL THEIR LEMONADE STANDS
OFFSHORE ON THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU ASK ME, THESE COPS MADE A
MISTAKE.