- Onions make you cry
but this onion's about to make you laugh.
Pe woop!
Mortician always keeps hammer at table side
just in case one comes back to life.
Has that ever happened?
Like I'm sure there's some kind of crazy story
and what are you gonna do?
Murder them?
(laughs)
Shouldn't you give them assistance?
Dr. Sholl's introduces new amputation kit
for dry cracked feet.
Touting the product's ability to not only treat,
but also prevent and remove the condition.
I added the remove.
Honestly, my left foot.
I don't know what it is.
I thought it was fungal, it's not really fungal.
I thought it was like some kind of eczema thing.
It could be, it could be psoriasis.
I got a dry cracked feet on my foot.
Patients impressed by how big baby has gotten
after just 16 months of CrossFit.
Whoa, that's a Diesel baby!
We covered this on strangest addictions with the family,
like they work out a lot.
You know, some of it is really healthy,
but sometimes it could be dangerous depending
on the type of exercise and the age of the child.
So you gotta be really careful
and ask your doctor for guidance in this situation.
Shortage of supplies forces surgeon to wear boxing gloves
for the operation.
Yes!
This is gonna be me in the office one day.
Boxing gloves would be terrible for the operating room.
New study finds most premature births occur
after fetus smells something delicious outside.
Such a funny image.
I don't think that's why premature births happen
but we could put together a study to find out.
Imagine like you cook a really good pie
and the baby's like, "Oh, I gotta come out now"
(beep)
New Fisher Price, Doctor Kit
just prescription pad and bottles of (chuckles).
This Fisher Price kit is severely lacking.
We also prescribe other opioids besides fentanyl.
That was a joke.
Humanitarian organization "Doctors without dimensions"
phases into war-torn nonlinear universe.
I feel like this is headlined by Elon Musk himself.
How do you treat an alien when you don't even know
what's inside of them?
Surgeon totally blanks on what he cut open patient
(chuckles) for.
That's like surgeon says "Oops"
in an operating room is the last thing you want to hear.
Now, why the hell did I make this giant slit again?
Said Mitchell of the six long transverse incision
he made across his subject's abdomen.
God, I hope this doesn't happen.
The onion's guide to HIPAA.
You know what's funny?
I've been seeing a lot of these TikToks
of people just yelling HIPAA.
- You cannot record me.
That is against my HIPAA law.
- You're in a hardware store.
HIPAA doesn't apply here.
What is HIPAA?
The reason you have to sign up for some new website ending
in "Portal."
Every time you go to a different urgent care.
Fact.
What does it stand for?
Health, information, portability and accountability act.
(glass crashes)
- [Dan] Is it health insurance or.
- [Sam] I think it's health insurance.
(laughs)
(beep)
- [Doctor] Centers for disease control let's smallpox
and rinderpest viruses out for daily hours (chuckles)
exercise.
Oh my God, that sounds frightening.
Someone needs to tell me what a rinderpest virus is.
And if you know I'm gonna be impressed.
Jimmy Carter already back to Elite Sumo Wrestling circuit,
after recovering from hip surgery (chuckles).
What is this image?
I wanna learn more about Sumo Wrestling.
Not because of Jimmy Carter, but because,
it has a rich history.
Hospital adds $20,000 scan
that informs patient whether they have feet.
Okay, this pokes at fun
at the fact that a lot of people order tests,
without any real purpose.
You basically are just confirming
that the patient in fact has bones.
If you just felt the patient's anatomy
and watched them walk and assess their gate
you would know the answer to that question.
By the way, if you didn't know I'm going on tour
Boston, Philly, Red Bank New Jersey, and DC.
Link down below.
Improv, comedy, games, audience participation.
You're gonna have a blast.
I guarantee, get your tickets now.
They're selling out quickly.
All right, let's get back to it.
Breakthrough procedure allows surgeons to transplant pig rib
directly into human mouth.
That's funny, because you can have the surgeon make
like a really nice cuts in it.
That would be pretty tasty.
Yum.
Exercising woman really starting to feel the burn
of lifelong injury developing.
"Oh yeah, I'm definitely starting to feel some results
from my repeated misuse of the treadmill
and poor running techniques."
Nothing funny about this, because you cannot imagine
how often this happens.
Even one of my closest friends the other day,
pulled his psoas muscle really badly.
Because he decided that it was cool to run
at seven miles per hour on the treadmill,
on like a six incline, for like five miles.
That's not a smart play.
At least do intervals where the treadmill goes up,
goes down.
Unless you training for something very specific
and you're gradually building up there.
The body's not ready to handle that kind of load.
It's not bio mechanically friendly.
It will cause pain.
Man concerned that doctor wants to discuss test results
at morgue rather (chuckles) over the phone.
Although he wasn't an expert, he had a bad feeling
about the physician's insistence on going over his angiogram
face to face, while he was lying down
on the stainless steel table in a facility
full of dead bodies.
If your doctor calls and asks you to have a conversation
face to face at the morgue.
That should raise red flags.
Effective billboard has driver suddenly craving
to visit the hospital.
Where first class care, always comes first.
I'm not gonna lie, the billboards that some hospitals,
even ones that I've worked at before.
Are freaking weird.
I get what they're doing,
they're trying to encourage patients to come in
and get care and they're competing
with other healthcare systems and all of that.
I hope what happens is patients are alerted
to the fact that they have a facility near them,
where they can get care, in case of necessity.
Connor McGregor undergoes three hours of surgery
to repair fractured ego.
Oh my God!
That last injury was the definition of a fractured ego.
You could see, by the way, he acted out in the octagon
after the fight.
Poor poor poor class.
Poor sportsmanship in my eyes.
Neurosurgeon holds spinal cord between teeth
to free up hands while performing delicate incision.
That's the worst Photoshop job
I think I've ever seen in my life.
I'm gonna go ahead
and accurately debunk why this is not good.
A, if you've removed the patient's entire spine,
probably not compatible with living
unless it's a very unique situation.
If you're gonna put the spine back,
putting it in your mouth,
which is potentially the dirtiest,
meaning most bacteria rich filled area of your body.
You probably don't wanna put back into the patient.
New Hanes shapewear compresses woman
into flattering trapezoid.
I don't understand.
Is this like a play on spanx?
Eight and a half month old fetus
could really get used to this.
"Man, I gotta tell you, this is the life",
said the 37-week fetus.
"I'm a snug as a bug in a rug here,
but I've still got enough room to turn a full 180 degrees.
Plus there's this super fun umbilical cord
I can play with or wear as a necklace."
Don't wear as a necklace.
It's a big problem, baby.
Or fetus.
Gwyneth Paltrow.
Uh-oh, the goop is coming.
Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted
trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website?
"With just a few cranks,
this elegant, stainless steel drill can pierce
through the thickest parts of your cranial bone in seconds.
Leading to instantly relief from evil demons, ghosts,
and spirits possessing the soul",
under description on Goop.com.
They actually use drills like this
in like the neural ICU or a neurosurgery.
But why Gweneth Paltrow has anything to do with this,
is just like Satanic to me.
Woman puts off going to doctor until disease
is bad enough to believe her.
"I'd love to get an appointment soon, but it's just easier
if I show up sick enough to force his hand
to actually give me the correct medical care."
I wanna laugh, but it's more sad than anything.
Doctors misunderstand women.
And because they misunderstand women
they end up not believing women.
I think it's a issue of training and the lack of experience
to working with a diverse patient population.
And you need to be able to be ready for it
and adjust and be able to communicate
with all different types of patients.
Doctors recommend getting eight centuries of cryosleep.
This could be a headline from the future
or it could be a headline for these biohackers.
And boy, have these biohackers gotten on my nerves.
"Make sure to forgo caffeine and silence your phone
before replacing your blood with medical-grade antifreeze."
There are some good advice here, like forgo caffeine,
good advice.
Getting your phone out of the room.
Good advice.
And the number one sleep thing,
that I tell people all the time.
No more than 15-20 minutes of trying to fall asleep in bed.
Otherwise, get out of the bed.
Go try and fall asleep on the couch.
Read a book, because the more you struggle in bed,
the more you associate all those negative feelings
and that anxiety with the bed.
As opposed to getting tired elsewhere
and wanting and craving your bed.
So the moment you touch, you can fall asleep
into a sound full
zzz.
CDC unveils list of Twitter accounts you can follow
to piece together vaccine information.
"Following these reporters, medical researchers
and politically engaged musicians
will provide the updates necessary
to cobble together some sense of what exactly is going on
with our vaccine rollout."
This is probably the most accurate onion article
we're gonna see, because I feel like,
the CDC is an amazing organization.
Rich with brilliant individuals,
but somehow they fail to consider the importance
of a proper communications department.
When certain decisions are made
give the reasoning for why those decisions are made.
If they change, explain the reasons for the change.
And when you ask people to do their own research
it's gonna lead them to go on to Facebook
and see all these crazy things
that maybe some of their friends are posting.
Do you know what detox teas do to your health?
Click here to find out.
As always stay happy and healthy.
Really curious what you think about this video?
Because in it, I tell the honest truth.
Not just the truth, the honest truth.
(upbeat latino music)