One of the questions I get asked most often by my coaching clients is….
“Brad, is there any hope for my marriage?
Is it even worth trying to fix things with my spouse, or should I give up?”... and
that’s exactly what I’ll be covering in this video, so keep watching to find out whether
or not your marriage is still worth saving…
Before I begin, if you’re new to my channel… welcome, I’m Brad Browning AKA The Marriage
Guy.
For over 10 years I’ve been a leading marriage and divorce coach, and I’m the best-selling
author of Mend the Marriage, a comprehensive guide to preventing divorce and rescuing a
marriage on the brink of collapse.
For my help fixing your relationship, regardless of the current situation you’re facing,
just go to MarriageGuy.com/Coaching.
Now, the question at hand today is… how do I know if my marriage is worth saving?
And before I begin to tell you what to look for and how to evaluate your own relationship
and it’s potential future, let me quickly clarify one thing: not all marriages are worth
saving.
Sometimes -- and this is not particularly common, but it definitely is the reality for
some couples -- things are just so bad... so toxic… that there’s simply no reason
to keep trying.
If you’re in this kind of situation, you’ll probably know it already… but, towards the
end of this video, I’ll cover 2 things that SHOULD be a sign that it’s time to give
up and move on.
First, though, I want to ask some questions to help you evaluate your situation and your
prospects for repairing things with your spouse.
Consider writing these questions down as I cover them, and then take the time to answer
each of them yourself.
This will help you make a list of the pros and cons of whatever decision you make down
the road, and it will help you keep track of things that you may need to work on if
you decide your marriage is worth saving.
Question #1: “What’s your ‘Negative-to-Positive Interaction Ratio’?”
I want to start with a big one: the ‘positive-to-negative interaction ratio’.
Let me explain what I mean by that… you and your spouse constantly interact with one
another throughout your daily life.
Whether it’s having breakfast together, meeting for lunch, taking the family out for
dinner, or going out of town for a weekend getaway… any time you spend with your spouse
will consist of ‘interactions’ with one another, and these interactions can either
be positive, neutral, or negative.
Let’s forget about the neutral interactions with your spouse for now.
Anything that doesn’t make one or both of your smile, laugh, feel happy, feel angry
or sad… those are interactions that don’t have an impact on the health of your relationship.
It’s the positive and negative interactions that we want to focus on here.
A positive interaction could be things like a kiss, a shared laugh, a nice dinner out,
or a good conversation with your spouse… anything that makes one or both of you happy
or feel good is a positive interaction.
On the other hand, negative interactions are things like arguing, bickering, accusations,
jealousy, or insults.
Even simply getting the cold shoulder from your ex, or trying to talk to them about something
important to you and being brushed off, could be considered negative interactions.
Over the next week, quietly start tracking the positive and negative interactions you
have with your partner throughout the course of your daily life.
If something positive happens between you two -- a joke, a hug, a compliment -- tally
it in the “positive interaction” column.
On the flip side, in a separate column, tally up the unpleasant experiences and negative
interactions with your spouse.
When you have a decent sample size written down, compare the two columns and how many
check marks are in each.
This will give you what I call the “positive-to-negative interaction” ratio with your spouse.
There’s no set rule as to what you should aim for -- some couples can have a happy marriage
with a low ratio of positive to negative interactions, while others will need a higher number of
positives for every negative in order to sustain a healthy relationship.
As a general rule, I typically suggest my clients aim for 5 positive interactions to
every 1 negative.
This 5:1 ratio tends to be a decent benchmark to gauge the health of a relationship and
the quality of the time you share together.
Don’t read TOO much into this exercise, especially since some “positives” and
“negatives” can be a lot more impactful than others… but it’s definitely a worthwhile
exercise to try out.
You may find that you end up with more negatives than positives after a week or 2 of counting,
which is a bad sign.
On the other hand, maybe you’ll realize that you actually do have a lot of good times
with your spouse, and those outweigh the negatives.
Either way, try this out for a week or so, ideally without your spouse knowing about
it, and see what you learn from it.
Question #2: “Are you still comfortable with your spouse?”
Numerous studies have shown that the top two reasons why happily married couples stay together
are KINDNESS and GENEROSITY.
These traits are important when creating a comfortable environment for you and your spouse.
Nobody wants to constantly be stressed, angry, frustrated, or on edge all the time when they’re
around their spouse – these sorts of characteristics are often the leading indicators of why marriages
falls apart.
So, consider how you feel when you and your spouse are together in the same room.
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time?
Are you scared of interacting with your spouse for fear that he or she will lash out at you?
Do YOU fear you’ll lash out at your spouse?
If you aren’t comfortable with your spouse anymore (and it’s been awhile since you’ve
felt that sort of comfort), then it may be a strong indicator that you and your spouse
just aren’t meant to be.
Question #3: “Do you and your spouse still have chemistry?”
It’s perfectly normal for chemistry to wane over time.
It’s not realistic to assume that your sex life and intimate connection will be just
as strong and passionate after 20 years of marriage than it was on your honeymoon.
There’s no specific rule as to how much sex and intimacy you should be having with
your spouse -- for some couples, spending time in the bedroom is a daily occurrence.
For others, once or twice a month is enough to keep the spark alive and satisfy both partners.
Basically, there’s no magical number when it comes to how much sex you and your spouse
should be having since every marriage is different, but you need to be honest with yourself and
ask whether you’re happy with the level of intimacy your marriage is bringing you.
Do you wish you and your spouse had more physical chemistry and connection?
Do you wish you kissed each other more?
Do you want sex far more often than your spouse does, or vice versa?
Again, these questions are difficult to answer if your marriage is on the rocks, but if you
and your partner are constantly on different levels when it comes to your sex life, and
it’s driving a wedge in your relationship… then you have to consider whether this is
a problem that’s going to plague your marriage for years to come.
Question #4: “Are you and your spouse still friends?”
A married couple should be a team.
I firmly believe that….
So, with all of my coaching clients, one of my main objectives is to help both spouses
create a “WE” mentality as opposed to a “ME” mentality… and one of the best
ways to cultivate this mentality is by building an incredibly strong friendship.
Building a strong marriage can be about romance, yes, but without the feeling of camaraderie
and support, a marriage is doomed.
And at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to support your
spouse no matter what.
If they’re having a bad day at work, do you try and cheer your spouse up?
And on the flip side, does he or she provide you with support when things aren’t going
your way?
Do you still share laughs with your spouse?
Do you two still have fun from time to time?
Right now, these sorts of questions can be difficult to answer especially if your marriage
is in crisis… but try and think about the last time you and your spouse shared a positive,
friendly interaction with one another.
As we discussed earlier in the video, if it’s been months or years since you had any really
meaningful positive interactions with your spouse, then chances are you’re not really
friends any more and getting out of that hole may be more trouble than it’s worth.
Question #5: “Do you still have shared hobbies or pastimes with your spouse?”
As time goes on, people change…. and when two people change in a marriage, it can put
a tremendous strain on the relationship.
I find that many of my coaching clients are suffering from a slow divergence of interests
in their marriage, leading both partners to spend more and more time on their own.
For example, maybe your husband likes to play golf every weekend, whereas you prefer to
spend time watching Netflix with friends.
To some degree, this is actually very healthy, and you should always pursue your own passions
and have hobbies outside your marriage.
But when your interests start to become so opposite that you no longer want to spend
time with one another -- he wants to go hiking, you want to go to a music festival, and since
you can’t agree you both do your own thing -- that’s NOT a healthy thing for your relationship.
This by itself is usually a problem that can be solved, but in some cases, you may find
your lifestyles drifting so far apart that it starts to become nearly impossible to agree
on something to do together.
That’s when things become more serious and you need to consider whether you’ll ever
be able to find shared interests that can keep your friendship and your connection alive
for the long haul.
Question #6: “What did you score on my free marriage quiz?”
I know this seems like a bit of shameless self-promotion here, but please do take 5
minutes after this video is over to complete my free quiz.
The URL is MarriageGuy.com/Quiz.
When you complete the quiz questions and click submit, your answers will be run through a
scoring algorithm that will evaluate your situation and the health of your marriage.
You’ll be given a score -- this indicates how difficult or feasible it will be to save
your marriage -- as well as a list of specific suggestions to maximize your odds of fixing
things with your spouse and living happily ever after.
If you score below 60 on the quiz, things are looking pretty grim, and you’ll want
to think about whether you really should invest more time and effort trying to save the relationship.
If your score is in the 60-70 range, you are in a tough situation but likely still have
some hope to turn things around.
If your score is between 70 and 80, your marriage is obviously not in great shape, but it’s
likely not beyond saving.
And if your score is above 80, then you have nothing to worry about, and it’s probably
just a few minor changes that you need to make in order to ensure your marriage stays
healthy.
Again, take the quiz after this video is over at MarriageGuy.com/Quiz… as I said, it’s
free, and takes about 5 minutes.
Last but not least…
Question #7: “Have you tried marriage counseling or therapy already?”
I wanted to include this final question because, despite what it may seem like from my other
videos here on YouTube, I really do believe traditional couples counseling can be helpful
in many situations.
Not all couples can afford it, or maybe your husband or wife is unwilling to even try seeing
a counselor with you, but if that’s still something they’re open to trying… it might
be worth exploring.
If you can’t afford multiple sessions with a certified counselor or therapist in your
local area, or your spouse isn’t willing to go with you, you may want to learn about
my ongoing email coaching service.
Unlike a counseling session, it’s affordable, and it will give you ongoing support and guidance
as your situation unfolds and as you work things out with your spouse.
To learn more about working with me 1-on-1, go to MarriageGuy.com/Coaching.
That being said, if you haven’t tried counseling yet and your partner is willing… and you
can afford a few sessions…
I do recommend that option too, as it can be very helpful for some couples.
Look for a certified counselor or therapist with good credentials and good reviews online
and go in with an open mind.
If you already tried counseling multiples times and never made any progress with it
-- or maybe even found that therapy made things worse between you and your spouse -- that’s
not a good sign.
Things may yet be salvageable for your marriage, but failing to see any improvement after giving
counseling a fair shot can be an indication that it’s time to start thinking about whether
divorce is the right path forward.
Now, those 7 questions -- which I hope you answered for yourself as I covered them here
in this video -- should help you get a better sense of whether your marriage has any chance
of survival.
The more negative and concerning your answers to these questions, the more likely it is
that your marriage is on the verge of collapse.
On the other hand, maybe your answers will help you realize that things aren’t so bad
after all…
I still recommend taking action to further improve the health of your marriage, even
if you end up feeling more positive and hopeful after answering these 7 questions for yourself.
A marriage crisis won’t resolve itself, no matter how minor it might seem, but for
many of you the solution may not be that difficult or far-fetched.
FINALLY… before I end this video, I mentioned in the beginning that there are a few certain
scenarios where trying to rescue your marriage might not be a wise choice.
The following 2 points that I’ll cover in a moment might sound like common sense, but
I promise you it’s not always so obvious to many people in your situation.
The first scenario where divorce might be necessary is when physical abuse is involved.
If your partner is physically violent or abusive in any way, especially if it’s happened
more than once, you need to immediately take action.
Any kind of domestic partner abuse is serious and extremely troublesome, and you can’t
accept that in your relationship.
If your partner has ever been physically violent towards you, get help from your friends and
family, police, or your doctor.
I recently partnered with a certified counselor to create a free online guide to dealing with
abuse in a relationship, which I’ll link to in the description below.
The guide will help you figure out how to safely escape an abusive relationship, and
it includes a number of additional resources to get further help.
The second situation where divorce is probably your best option is when dealing with a spouse
who is a serial cheater.
Look, I’m extremely hesitant to tell anyone -- including my coaching clients -- to end
a relationship.
I believe the only person who can make that decision is you, and my job as a marriage
coach is to guide you and help you come to a decision that’s right for you.
But if you’re one of those unlucky folks that’s married to someone who is constantly
unfaithful -- if they’ve cheated on you multiple times, even after promising never
to do so again -- then you need to face the facts and accept that this is going to continue
happening as long as you’re married to this person.
Many people CAN change their ways and stick to their promises to never cheat on you again,
but others are simply never going to change…
meaning you’ll have to deal with the heartbreak of finding out your spouse is cheating on
you again in the future.
Do you really want to have that kind of marriage?
You’re worth more than that, and you have every right to a monogamous marriage if that’s
what you want… so, if your partner’s cheating has been an ongoing issue for some time, realize
that it’s likely not going to ever stop and divorce might be the best thing for you
in the long run.
I hope that most of you won’t be facing either of those two situations -- in fact,
I’m sure many of you are actually now feeling MORE hopeful about saving your marriage based
on what you’ve learned in this video -- but if you are in a marriage that involves abuse
or serial cheating, leaving your spouse might be the only long-term solution.
Don’t forget to take my free quiz at MarriageGuy.com/Quiz to find out the odds you’ll be able to fix
your marriage and live happily ever after with your spouse… it’s free, so go take
5 minutes to fill out the quiz right now.
Actually, click the like and subscribe buttons first, then go take the quiz.
Thanks for watching, beautiful people… talk to you again soon!