-The three most helpful communication hacks for those really difficult conversations.
Have you got some difficult conversations that you need to have or that you've been
avoiding? I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins. -I'm Vicki Jenkins. -And we're here to share with you
those three hacks. -These hacks are going to help give you confidence to approach those
conversations without hesitation. -Here's the first hack. Assume positive intent and response.
-For yourself or for the other person? -Yes.
When we teach our communication classes. There's a section where we talk about bears.
Don't be a bear. So, you don't show up all snarly, okay? If your face is all in this angry position,
you're going to trigger different responses in the person you're trying to have this communication
with. But then the second part of it is just as important. Don't see a bear. -As you assume,
good intent from other people. I think it helps you not look for things
that may not even really be there. You know, and I think that's part of the seeing a bear is
you just like ah, this is gonna be hard, they're going to have their hackles up, and then if they
just even shift their way it see, they got their hackles up, and you're seeing a bear everywhere.
Whether there's really a bear there or not. -You know, as a psychologist, I've kind of boiled down
the job of your brain comes down to two things. To keep you safe, and to prove you right. -Yeah. -And
both of those get in the way of communication. So, when we talk about not seeing a bear. Look,
even if they are snarling and burying their teeth, it's important for you to adjust your
own perceptions so that you're not assuming ill intent. Most people want better outcomes.
Think about what I'm saying here for a minute. They want better outcomes. Now, you may not agree
with the way they're trying to bring that about. They may be demanding. They may be snarling.
But why are they doing this? Because ultimately, they want a better outcome too. Keep that in mind
so that you can assume that positive intent, and assume a positive response as well.
When like you were saying Vicki, you know, if you're anticipating that they're going to come
at it and try to hurt you, then you're going to show up differently. So, your brain's trying to
keep you safe. And so, your hackles will go up and your defenses will be there. -Right. -If you'd
like a way to just remember some of these hacks that we're sharing with you. We've put together
a communication cheat sheet. Just go to the URL on the screen and we'll put it right in your inbox,
drpauljenkins.com/communication. We got you covered on that. -Hack number two
is to listen to understand, and there's so much this one is just fully packed. -Yes. -You know,
and I think part of that is when you understand where someone is coming from, it makes,
it easier to kind of even sometimes forgive some of the difficult ways that they show up when you
understand what's really behind their purposes, and it's really hard to listen to understand
because you need to delay your need to be heard and understood for a minute. We're not saying
forever. For sure not. Because that is no longer a conversation if you're not sharing your part of
the story as well. But it just listen understand and reflect back what you understood and be
willing to delay your need to be understood right at that moment. -This is where it's really helpful
to engage in what we call metacognition which is thinking about your thinking. When we think
about our own thinking and we can see oh, I'm coming into this conversation with a need to be
understood. -Right. -Right? I want to get this point across. I really want to communicate this
thing. Well, guess what? The other person's coming at it for the same purposes. -You know, in hack
number one we talked about positive intent. But it was for both of us. I think. You know, that
have positive intent about me too. My positive intent is that I really want us to communicate,
and in order to do that, I'm going to do number hack number two, I'm going to listen. -This
listening. So, picture. I like to imagine a shelf. Just an imaginary shelf over here, and I'm going
to take that thing that is so important for me to communicate. I'm going to stick it on that shelf.
Just for safekeeping. Because a lot of times when you put it out there right at first, when
you try to push your point across, you're met with resistance. -Right. -They're not listening. And
so, your precious little thing that you want to communicate is not even safe yet. We're just gonna
put it up there on the shelf for safekeeping, okay? We'll pull it back down in a minute. But
then as it's sitting on the shelf. I think you use the word postpone earlier, right? Postpone
your need to be understood. Just leave it on the shelf for a minute, and tell that other person
is completely satisfied that you understand them. That's something that is rarely done in
communication, but it changes the game. -And it's really going to increase your confidence to bring
up these difficult situations if you have honed in your ability to listen to understand because it
just changes the tone of the whole conversation. -Can I add one more thing to that? Which is
understanding and agreeing are not the same thing. -No, yeah. -And some people resist the
understanding because they're afraid that that will communicate that they agree. Don't worry
about that. Just simply get to the understanding so that you can show them that you get it, and
then we can pull down that thing off of the shelf. Okay, so, here's hack number three, make the
secondary conversation primary. -So, we're gonna have to go into that one a little more. -Yeah, so,
what is a secondary conversation? What's a primary conversation? The primary conversation is what
we're talking about. -Okay. -We can record it, other people can observe it. You can take notes
about it. It's the content that we're discussing. -Okay. -The secondary conversation is all that
noise that's going on beneath the surface that most people are aware of but nobody's actually
acknowledging or saying. It's kind of like the elephant in the room. -Right. -Really. And so,
the strategy is to make the secondary conversation primary. -So, give us an example of how you might
do that. -Alright, so, why is it a difficult conversation in the first place? You're probably
afraid of how did the other person is going to react. -Okay. -It's going to come across,
or are they really going to understand it, right? So, while you're thinking that that's a secondary
conversation. We're not actually saying it. So, what if we were to bring it to the surface? So,
let's say Vicki that I've got something on my mind that I really want to communicate to you, but I'm
afraid that it's going to tick you off or you're going to melt down or just lose it. -Okay. -So, if
that's the noise that's going on in the secondary conversation, I just bring it to the surface and I
say You know, Vicki, I was really hesitant to talk to you about this because I was afraid you were
just gonna lose it. But then I remembered that you're a really reasonable person, and of course,
you're gonna try to understand. Okay, now, did you see the other part that I added in there? -Yeah.
You brought back in that that assuming positive intent. -Yes. -And you put it out there, right? -I
actually voiced that as my desired outcome. -Right -I said here's the part that I'm afraid of. But
then I realized, and I liked that phrase. But then I remembered or realized that you're a reasonable
person. -Right. -And you're a kind person. And so, you're actually cueing that person up to have the
kind of a result that you're wanting. -Right. -That you're going for. -You know, and I think
one of the really important things to remember about these conversations, these challenging
conversations, crucial conversations, whatever. I remember I had to have one of these with a woman
in my neighborhood once. I was worried that she would be uncomfortable with me bringing up this
situation and this conflict, and in I think you told me. She'll be as comfortable with it as you
are comfortable bringing it up. And so, I kind of had to bring that secondary. You know, I'm
this is felt a little uncomfortable. But I really felt like it was important and I knew that I could
talk to you about it and that you're reasonable, and then we had the conversation. So, I think
that getting comfortable with it and just putting out there the secondary with a positive hope spin
positive intent really brings you to a place where you can approach this difficult situation
or conversation without hesitancy and with some confidence. -The thing I love about
this strategy is it allows you to shape the outcome of the conversation more than
if you just ignore or try to pretend that the secondary conversation isn't even there. -Right. Yeah.
-Hopefully, that helps. Now, we've got that cheat sheet for you. So, go to drpauljenkins.com/
communication, we'll put that right in your inbox.