WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BREATHE EASY, JUST LET A LITTLE BIT GO, ALREADY
BECAUSE WE MADE IT.
THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF 2021.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: 2021.
>> Stephen: IF I COULD SUM UP THE YEAR IN ONE SENTENCE, CBS
WOULD BLEEP IT.
MAN, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR STARTING WITH AN ATTEMPT TO
OVERTHROW OUR DEMOCRACY, THIS WEEK, THE HOUSE'S SELECT
COMMITTEE ON JANUARY 6TH HAS SHARED A LOT OF DISTURBING
DETAILS ABOUT THE RUN UP TO THAT DAY, COURTESY OF FORMER WHITE
HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF, AND MAN TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT COMES
AFTER TWO, MARK MEADOWS.
THIS WEEK, THE COMMITTEE HAS RELEASED A BUNCH OF MEADOWS'
TEXT MESSAGES, INCLUDING THIS ONE FROM A MYSTERY
LAWMAKER: "ON JANUARY 6, 2021, VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
AS PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE, SHOULD CALL OUT ALL ELECTORAL
VOTES THAT HE BELIEVES ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL AS NO ELECTORAL
VOTES AT ALL."
NO! YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT KIND OF POWER TO MIKE PENCE.
IT'LL BE LIKE FOOTLOOSE.
HE'LL BAN DANCING AND MAKE US ALL CALL OUR WIVES "MOTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T MAKE OUR NATIONAL
BIRD THE SALTINE!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A LITTLE SPICEY FOR MIKE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, LAST NIGHT WE LEARNED THE
IDENTITY OF THIS MYSTERY LAWMAKER, IT'S NONE OTHER THAN:
OHIO CONGRESSMAN AND CAVEMAN WITH A G.E.D., JIM JORDAN.
( BOOING ) JORDAN'S OFFICE ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT HE SENT THE MESSAGE, BUT THEY HAD AN EXPLANATION:
"MR. JORDAN FORWARDED THE TEXT TO MR. MEADOWS, AND MR. MEADOWS
CERTAINLY KNEW IT WAS A FORWARD."
SO WHAT??
THAT'S NOT A DEFENSE.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "I DIDN'T COOK THE METH, I JUST SOLD IT
AT THE GYMBOREE.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE TODDLERS ARE GOING
TO LOSE THEIR TEETH ANYWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS TEXT IS BAD, BUT, ACCORDING
TO A NEW REPORT, IT WAS JUST A SMALL PART OF A MONTHS LONG
CAMPAIGN OF SUBVERSION BY A HALF DOZEN REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS:
JIM JORDAN SCOTT PERRY
PAUL GOSAR LOUIS GOHMERT
MO BROOKS, AND ANDY BIGGS.
ALSO KNOWN AS "STEAL TEAM DICKS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AFTER THE ELECTION, THE DICKS
DEVELOPED A BLUEPRINT FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
SUPPORTERS IN CONGRESS: TO HAMMER HOME THE
IDEA THAT THE ELECTION WAS TAINTED.
THEN, THEY WENT ON CABLE TELEVISION, RADIO SHOWS, AND
RALLIES TO PROMOTE THE IDEA STARTED DRUMMING UP SUPPORT TO
DERAIL THE TRANSFER OF POWER, AND FINALLY PLOTTED TO DISRUPT
THE CERTIFICATION ON JANUARY 6TH OF JOE BIDEN'S
VICTORY.
THEN, ON JANUARY 6TH, ALL SIX LAWMAKERS WERE INSIDE THE
CAPITOL, READY TO PROTEST THE CERTIFICATION, BUT RIGHT
BEFORE THEY COULD, SECURITY FORCES ENTERED THE CHAMBER
BECAUSE RIOTERS WERE IN THE BUILDING.
SO THEY WERE READY TO REJECT THE DELEGATES, SEIZE THE BALLOTS,
AND OVERTURN THE ELECTION BUT THEY WERE INTERRUPTED BY THE
OUT-OF CONTROL MOB THAT THEIR LIES CREATED.
REMINDS ME OF THE WORDS OF FOUNDING FATHER BENJAMIN
FRANKENSTEIN: (AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN)
"NO, NO, I'M HEARING REPORTS IT WAS 'ANTIFA' WHO DESTROYED YOUR
VILLAGE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT
I LIKE IT!
IF THEY HAD SUCCEEDED, THE OVAL OFFICE WOULD STILL BE OCCUPIED
BY FORMER PRESIDENT "SCHMUCK A L'ORANGE."
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, "DOUCHE BIGALOW" SAT DOWN
FOR A NEWSMAX INTERVIEW, AND CLAIMED VICTORY IN THE TOTALLY
MADE UP "WAR ON CHRISTMAS."
(DRAMATIC MUSIC UNDERNEATH) >> WHEN I STARTED CAMPAIGNING,
THIS WAS IN 2015, WHEN I STARTED CAMPAIGNING, I SAID, YOU'RE
GOING TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN, AND NOW PEOPLE ARE SAYING
IT.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE NOT SAYING A LOT OF OTHER THINGS LIKE GEORGE
WASHINGTON, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THOMAS JEFFERSON.
>> STEPHEN: YES!
SO TRUE!
WHY AREN'T PEOPLE SAYING "MERRY ABRAHAM
LINCOLN" AND "A HAPPY NEW JEFFERSON?"
WHEN I WAS A KID, WE WOULD CHOP DOWN A GEORGE WASHINGTON, PUT IT
UP IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND DECORATE IT WITH WOODEN TEETH
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE KIDS WITH THEIR VIDEO
GAMES.
AND YOUR TAMAGACCIS ( PIANO RIFF )
HE HAD MORE THOUGHTS: >> AMERICA
LOVES CHRISTMAS.
>> YEAH.
>> AND WHETHER YOU'RE MUSLIM, WHETHER YOU'RE CHRISTIAN,
WHETHER YOU'RE JEWISH.
EVERYONE LOVES CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHY TRADITIONALLY, ON CHRISTMAS EVE, YOU LEAVE SANTA A
GLASS OF WARM MANISCHEWITZ AND A CHICKEN SHAWARMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DELICIOUS.
( PIANO RIFF ) HE IS -- WHAT'S THE WORD --
INSANE.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, I LOVE CHRISTMAS, BUT I'M
SURE SOME PEOPLE DON'T.
AND THAT'S OKAY!
THEY CAN HAVE THEIR OWN THING!
JUST LIKE I LOVE MY WIFE, EVIE, BUT IT'S FINE WITH ME THAT OTHER
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE THEIR OWN SPOUSES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, SUCKS FOR THEM.
I DID GET THE BEST ONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, IF AMERICA REMAINS
THIS DIVIDED, WE MAY HAVE TO SOLVE THINGS THE OLD FASHIONED
WAY, LIKE IN SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE BRAZILIAN POLITICIANS ARE
NOW SETTLING DISPUTES WITH M.M.A. FIGHTING.
M.M.A.-- FROM NOW ON, THE SECOND MOST PAINFUL THING I ASSOCIATE
WITH THE WORD "BRAZILIAN."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
IT KEEPS YOU SLIPPERY, EXACTLY RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE MATCH PITTED SIMAO PEIXOTO,
A 39-YEAR-OLD MAYOR, AGAINST FORMER COUNCILOR ERINEU ALVES DA
SILVA, AGED 45.
THE TWO RESORTED TO FISTICUFFS AFTER SILVA BLAMED PEIXOTO FOR
ALLEGEDLY FAILING TO CONSERVE A WATERPARK.
THAT'S GONNA MAKE FOR SOME RIVETING TRASH TALK.
(AS AGGRO FIGHTER) "THIS JABRONI WOULDN'T KNOW HOW
TO RELAX WITH FRIENDS ON A RIVERBANK IF HIS RECREATIONAL
APPRECIATION OF NATURE DEPENDED ON IT!
I'LL DROP YOU FASTER THAN THE BEAUTIFUL FOLIAGE THAT GENTLY
CARESSES THE WATER'S EDGE, BROTHER!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAND ME A FOLDING CHAIR!
LOO!
ALL IN ALL, THE MATCH WENT THREE ROUNDS.
BUT REMEMBER THEY'RE 39 ANDs 45.
IT WOULD BE TOUGHER FOR OUR POLITICIANS.
(AS RING ANNOUNCER) IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT
"BARELY ALIVE," IT'S THE TERROR FROM THE JURASSIC ERA, CHUCK
GRASSLEY.
AND HIS OPPONENT, BEING CARRIED IN BUBBLE WRAP BECAUSE HER BONES
ARE MADE FROM CANDY-CANES IT'S DIANNE "PAPER-SKIN" FEINSTEIN.
DING-DING, AND THERE'S THE BELL!
THAT MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF THEM TO TAKE A NAP!
AND NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYONE IS DEAD.
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.
IN PANDEMIC NEWS, THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH PANDEMIC NEWS.
RIGHT NOW, THE U.S. IS AVERAGING CLOSE TO 120,000 NEW COVID CASES
EACH DAY, WHICH IS 50% MORE THAN A MONTH AGO.
NO!
THIS HAS TO END!
THIS PANDEMIC FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU GO TO A
CATHOLIC WEDDING.
(WHISPERING) "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT OVER
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR AN HOUR.
THAT WAS JUST THE MASS?
THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED THE WEDDING YET?
( APPLAUSE ) DO I STAND UP?
SIT DOWN?
DO I KNEEL?
HOW MANY POSITIONS DO I HAVE TO TAKE?
THIS IS LIKE CROSS-FIT.
NOW I KNOW WHY JESUS WAS SO CUT."
OMICRON MIGHT BE THE NEW VARIANT ON THE BLOCK, BUT DELTA IS STILL
GOING STRONG.
WHICH MEANS NOW, THE NATION FACES A DOUBLE CORONAVIRUS
SURGE.
SO TO BE SAFE: DOUBLE MASK, DOUBLE DISTANCE, AND
DOUBLE FIST IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SAFETY FIRST.
SAFETY FIRST.
THE COVID SURGE HAS HIT THE , WHERE AROUND 100 PLAYERS HAVE
TESTED POSITIVE IN THE LAST THREE DAYS.
THAT'S ROUGH.
A LOT OF THOSE GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO PLAY KEY PARTS IN
THIS SUNDAY'S INSURANCE COMMERCIALS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FOOTBALL
PLAYERS TRYING TO AVOID OMICRON: >> GOING DEEP.
HE'S GOT WATKINS.
AND BUCKLE UP, HERE HE GOES!
AND -- >> (OBVIOUSLY DUBBED) COVID
>> -- BRINGS HIM DOWN!
STILL -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE.
THE HIGHLIGHTS.
YOU GOT TO JUKE HIM.
STILL THE BEST PLAY THE JETS HAVE MADE ALL YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE POSITIVE ABOUT
ALL THE POSITIVES: VACCINES WORK.
IT'S NOT JUST PROFESSIONAL SPORTS, IT'S ALSO
HAPPENING IN PROFESSIONAL THE-OPPOSITE-OF-SPORTS:
MUSICAL THEATER.
BROADWAY IS FEELING THE AFFECTS OF OMICRON, JUST YESTERDAY, THEY
CANCELLED SHOWS FOR "HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED
CHILD" AND THE TINA TURNER JUKEBOX MUSICAL, "TINA."
OH NO!
NOT TINA.
SHE JUST LEFT THAT GOOD JOB IN THE CITY.
( LAUGHTER ) WORKIN' FOR THE MAN EVERY NIGHT
AND DAY!
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: SHE NEVER LOST A MINUTE OF SLEEPIN'.
>> Jon: SHE NEVER DID.
>> Stephen: WORIN WORE YIPPING T THE WAY THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THOSE SHOWS.
THERE WERE ALSO CONFIRMED CASES IN "FREESTYLE LOVE SUPREME,"
"AIN'T TOO PROUD," "MRS.
DOUBTFIRE," AND "WICKED."
JUST TO BE SAFE, FOR THE NEXT 10 DAYS, GLINDA WILL BE
QUARANTINING IN A BUBBLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL BAD FOR ALL THOSE TICKET
HOLDERS WHO MISSED THEIR SHOWS, SO I'M GOING TO DO MY
BEST TO GIVE THEM A LITTLE BROADWAY SPARKLE RIGHT NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM ONE OF THE SHOWS THAT GOT
CANCELED: THE MRS. DOUBTFIRE MUSICAL.
WHICH I HAVE NOT SEEN, BUT I ASSUME GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS: (JON PLAYS OPENING CHORDS
TO ALEXANDER HAMILTON) ♪ DAD IS MRS. DOUBTFIRE ♪
♪ I THINK OUR DAD IS MRS. DOUBTFIRE.
THIS IS A WEIRD WAY TO GET BACK AT MOM.
IT'S NOT OKAY.
NOT OKAY ♪ AMERICA ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE
DEALING WITH OMICRON -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
>> Jon: YOU GOT THE SOUND!
>> Stephen: AMERICA'S NOT THE ONLY ONE DEALING WITH OMICRON,
IT'S MOVED EVEN FASTER ACROSS THE POND.
IN EUROPE, EXPERTS PREDICT IT WILL BE THE DOMINANT COVID
VARIANT WITHIN A MONTH.
THAT'S ROUGH.
IT MEANS CHRISTMAS IN THE U.K.
THIS YEAR IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE THIS:
>> HELLO! YOU THERE! BOY!
>> ME SIR?
>> YES. YOU MY GOOD FELLA.
WHAT >> (OBVIOUS DUBBING) VARIANT
ARE WE ON?
>> VARIANT?
WHY IT'S OMICRON OF COURSE!
>> HELL NO!
(SLAM) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS ANDERSON COOPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR NEW ANIMATED CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DON'T MISS IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )