We were at this really cool club that I thought was the coolest club I'd ever been to
in Manhattan, and I felt like if there was ever a night that I could really feel okay this is it.
I later learned that it was lidocaine not cocaine. I remember being in the bathroom
in line for the toilet and just thinking, "oh wow I'm getting tunnel vision", and what a cool
side effect that is. That I was dying didn't occur to me.
but then when I got in the stall I could not read any of the graffiti, and I knew some of this is in
English, and what's wrong with my brain that I can't read it? Then I began to feel there was
no air in the club, and I went back to my friend and said, "There's no air down here. There's no air."
So on the outside I had a grand mal seizure and the bartender began to do CPR. It felt like I had hit
my chin on the bar and that it had worked like a Popeye punch to shoot me straight up in the air.
And then I went up into this pure blue sky and I was just filled with euphoria.
And I did have a sense of me as myself, but I forgot all about kinda the job of being Louisa
in the world. Like that whole thing had been left with the [ __ ] down there.
I had this feeling that I could do a back bend and a back dive and so I thought I'm gonna do
a reverse swan dive because I can do stuff. That's the feeling I had you know? I was really like a
little kid excited! So I bent over backwards, it worked perfectly! I did this backwards swan dive
and then I see that the ocean is under me and I have a brief thought like, "oh isn't it like...
concrete when you hit the ocean and you're moving really really fast?" And instead of fear I just said...
"Well, we'll find out!" You know there's no fear! And so I did it and it went okay and I went way down
deep under the water. I could see that beautiful... you see it sometimes in under water scuba diving
movies where the bubbles are going up around you. I saw the surface way up there and I had another
little thought like, "Wow the surface is way up there! I wonder if I can get there okay?" And again
then I'm there right away, and it's no problem. Then I see the shore and I wish I could say it
was a beautiful tropical shore, but it was not it was kind of... I'm from the pacific northwest and
it was kind of a Pacific Northwest beach meaning a lot of barnacles and a lot of seaweed and it's not
like gorgeous like that, but I thought oh I want to be there so the next thing I know I was wading
out of the water. I turned along the beach and I saw a house up on a mesa. I thought oh
I want to be there, and so then I'm there. And my feeling is like, "Wow cool!" With everything, "Wow cool!"
And so one thing though was that the mesa now was kind of a pile of boulders, and they
were covered with this really gross slime. It was like rotten seaweed was what I thought I had.
To get to the doorway of this house I had to climb through it. A lot of people talk about that
there's some gross stuff we carry with us, and this purging that has to happen. That you shed your
anger your fear... all of these darker emotions to me I feel like the sludge was that stuff.
I didn't know at the time though I didn't know anything about NDEs at all so I just thought...
Whew that's over with!" Once I got above it to the doorway I had lost my body. I had no body!
But I was a little bit Alice in Wonderland and a little bit snake. Kind of slightly bummed
that I don't have a higher perspective, but I can go over the doorsill into the house, and so I'm
like, "Hey good enough! Good enough!" And I'm very low along the ground so much so that I saw the
floorboards in tremendous detail! They were very worn it was very old, many people had walked there.
And I knew it was my ancestors. In real life the twerpy vain girl who back in the
New York nightclub did not give a crap about her ancestry, never thought about her ancestors.
The spirit that entered this house was thrilled! Like, "We all go here, and now it's my
turn! And I'm so excited to join the rest of us, and I had that feeling of us.
So I also sensed my grandfather. Now he is the only one who I never got to meet. I sensed his
joy that we would finally get to meet. Who was he to me? A picture in my dad's closet, you know?
But I felt all this joy at the prospect of meeting him. So there was supposed to be a chair
in the middle of this room that looked out at the water. I knew there was supposed to be an armchair
and I knew that my ancestors all love to sit in it and look at the view. And the sun had started
setting. I wanted the chair, but it wasn't there. But as soon as I said, "Oh I wish I could see the sunset!"
Then I started getting pulled along the floor, and even though I didn't have a body I was pulled by
my heart towards the windowsill, and then up and... I'm thinking, "Wow!" And then over the windowsill and
I started flying across the water, across the path of light that the sun made across the water. I was
flying toward the sun, sometimes little bits of my life would come back to me and I would think, "Hey...
...wait a minute, people can't fly! Is this a dream? Is this real?" That's what I thought.
And then something answered me, "More real than anything you've ever known or done." And I was
heading toward the sun and then I had a thought "It's getting bigger and bigger. I'm gonna hit it!"
Again without fear, just we'll see what happens. And then I hit the sun and pass through a sort of a
filament and I was in the core of it. Now knowing what I know now about NDE symbolism
this is so beautiful because I was an atheist, and I rejected and really despised everything
about the church, and everything I'd heard about God. But when a human being sees a sunset
we all get a feeling of awe. That's why my higher power led me along that path. I felt awe towards
the beauty of the sun, and also my father had taught me that the sun was the giver of life.
So if you were to have a physical representation of the source of me...
...the source of life... It would be the sun. So when I went into the sun then I was in the light for real.
And I was permeated with that joy and that bliss and that love beyond measure. And I
was starving for it! And I remember having the feeling like finally! And then I had the sense
almost instantly that I was being held the way a baby is held by a parent. I couldn't see anything
because all I saw was the light, but you can know things without seeing them visually. And I knew
that the parent was embracing me. And I knew that the parent was pouring this love into me.
I was ready to just hang out there forever! I was so complete and happy! And I loved
the parent too! "That's something I can say, I had love back. And all of a sudden the parent says...
"You can't stay. You're not done yet." And then it's lights out! Just like when the parents cut the light.
It went from the light and the bliss to blackness, total blackness, and a slight sense of falling.
That was the only time in my NDE that I was afraid was that bit of falling, but then I was just kind
of in a black realm. Seeing these little white stick figures like they were drawn with chalk
on a blackboard. This was my transition and actually they were playing these little
nonsense games, going on a swing set, going on a teeter tooter. And they were just little happy figures and
they were saying these little nonsense things like, "How many hippos in a flim flam?" And like
these little... And I thought, "Well this is nowhere near as good as the light, but this is a sort of a
diversion that the parent has given me until I can go back." Because I knew I was going back sometime.
And so I thought, "Well I'll just watch these guys for eternity... forever! For however long it takes to
go back" And then one of the stick figures got closer and the chalk circle of the face filled
in like a dinner plate, and I remember feeling like, "Yo dude, I can't... I can't see! You know like
everybody else!" And then he started saying, "Uh how many fingers? What is your name?
And then I remembered... and this is hard for people who fear death to imagine, but instead of saying
like "Ah thank god I didn't die!" I was like, "Oh you've got to be kidding me! I remember this stuff!"
He thinks that he's a he, and I'm a me, and he thinks we're like separate. And he wants me
to do that trick where you like burp out sounds and it's like in a code so he can know something.
And I just thought, "I just don't want to do that anymore." But then he's very persistent.
And so I rose to the occasion and I said, "Louisa" and "Three" And then I kind of had this sense of
"Okay I give up! I'm... I gotta do this. And as I said to you I felt like I'd been told I
have to stay in kindergarten for 50 years.
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