In this video you're going to learn how to let go of self-limiting beliefs,
how to stop getting stuck hating yourself and find a healthy sense of self. Have you ever seen
a cattle guard? Where I live, out in the west, there are open-range cattle. That means that they
are fenced into huge areas, and the road crosses through their range .So when a road crosses a
fence line, there are a couple of options to let the cars through but keep the cattle in.
The first option is a gate. This keeps the fence continuous, but the driver has to stop their car,
get out, open the gate, get back into their car, drive through the gate, stop their car, get out of
the car, close the gate, and get back to driving. Now this is kind of a pain for drivers, but it
can be a bigger pain for ranchers because some drivers get lazy - they don't close the gate and
the cattle get out, they get lost, they get hit by cars, etc. So option number two is a cattle guard.
These are deep concrete pits built into the fence line, and they're crossed by these heavy steel
beams that are about four inches wide and four inches apart. A car can easily drive over these at
low speed, so there's no need to open or close a gate. And for cattle, they can't walk across them;
they'd break their legs. So they just avoid them and stay in their area. But the problem with
cattle guards is they're expensive. So sometimes out on these desert roads and ranches, they'll
simply paint a cattle guard on a solid piece of asphalt. The cows, who don't have incredible
vision and they've already been conditioned by real cattle guards, are scared of it, so they
won't walk across it. They believe that they can't walk across it or they'll break their leg and die.
These cows have set limits on themselves by labeling these parallel lines as dangerous,
even when they're just painted and they pose no physical threat. But that limitation is all
in their mind. The labels you give yourself, whether you call yourself broken, stupid, bad,
or even if you give yourself positive labels these - are just like painted-on cattle guards:
they are self-imposed limits. And today I'm going to teach you one way to let go of them.
One of the most crucial skills that one can develop is the ability
to separate themselves from their actions, thoughts, and emotions. One of the most common
traits of people who have mental illness is that they see themselves falsely. So
they often believe thoughts like "I am such a failure" or "I'm a bad person" or I'm so weak."
Or occasionally people think everyone else is an idiot: "I'm the only one who knows how to
do things right." So for some reason, thinking like this comes naturally. Parents slip into it
by saying, you know, "Have you been a bad boy?" instead of saying "Did you do something bad?"
Some people try to counteract this way of thinking with all-out acceptance of every behavior,
trying to convince people that no matter what they do they're fine; they shouldn't feel guilty. Now
I haven't ever actually seen that work. The sense of guilt remains and the unhealthy behaviors still
lead to negative results. There's this weird idea out there that to be happy we need to find out who
we are or be true to yourself. I think it's been the theme of like every Disney movie for the last
10 years. And a lot of people get confused by this this feeling or the sense of of predestination
that deep inside of them they're gonna find out that they're either a bad person or a good person,
that when they find out what's inside of them then they'll have to be that person. And this idea is
often connected with thoughts like "I'm just an angry person" or "I'm just rebellious; that's who
I am." Now when we think of ourselves this way, we tend to limit our free will and our ability
to create the life we find worthwhile. The reality is that we have many deep and conflicting natures.
We have drives toward love and service and drives towards selfishness, drives toward peacemaking and
drives toward anger. We have seeds of all types of inclinations inside of us. The question is which
ones will we water? I can choose to invest in the angry, self-protective instincts that I have,
or I can choose to invest in the loving and peacemaking instincts that I have.
ACT is all about creating flexibility. One of the ways we do this is through exercises that help
you let go of rigid labels and self-limiting beliefs and instead create a sense of choice
about who you are. In Acceptance and Commitment therapy, there are three senses of self:
the conceptualized self, the self as experiencer, and the self as observer. The conceptualized
self is the one you're probably most familiar with. This is where all your labels come from:
I'm cute, I'm ugly, I'm smart, I'm female, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm kind, etc., etc.
Now it's really normal to categorize yourself, but this labeling is also the most likely way
to trap yourself. These labels provide you with the reasons for why you do the things you do,
which can be comforting but also suffocating. And the labels we give ourselves lead to
more of the same. So have you ever noticed how if someone believes themselves to be the victim,
they somehow keep ending up in their mind or in reality in more situations where they're
victimized? Or if someone believes that they are capable and successful, they seem to keep having
one success after another? They minimize their failures, and they just look for the next success.
So if we aren't aware of these labels, they can be quite self-limiting. So for example,
when many people over-identify with a diagnosis like depression or anxiety, they create a story
for themselves that this is who they are and that there's little they can do about it,
leading to more of the same. It's that when we cling too tightly to our stories,
they limit our ability to see other aspects of the truth too. So for example, with depression
or anxiety there is a biological aspect to them, but that's not the only side of them.
Most of us have immense potential for growth, learning, and for change. Neuroplasticity gives
us room to change our brain. No one knows what our full potential is. But when we cling too closely
to any label, that can limit us. So I tend to be very cautious about what stories about myself
I believe. So I try to stick to the self as experiencer as often as I can. So this is like
saying "I am experiencing anxiety, but that's not who I am" or "I am experiencing sadness" or "I'm
struggling right now with depression" and "What else can I learn? What else am I experiencing?"
Right. Self as experiencer says "I'm the person who's having these experiences, but I don't have
to decide that they're my identity. My experience is separate from my identity. I'm the place where
these thoughts and feelings are happening, but I am not my thoughts or feelings; I'm just the
one experiencing them." So when it comes to the labels and the stories we tell about ourselves,
we need to explore them to see which ones are helpful and which ones are self-limiting beliefs.
Let me give you an example: for some people, giving themselves the label "I am depressed,"
it may be helpful for a while, helping them not beat themselves up for feeling the way
they do or helping them be more compassionate towards themselves or towards others and letting
go of judgment. But as they keep working and learning and growing, they may come to a time
when the next step for growth requires them to let go of that label and choose a different one,
like "I experience sadness or I struggle with energy, but this is not who I am." And
this new concept of self frees them to learn new skills. Self as observer is one step further back:
it's noticing yourself as the one who's having experiences. So here's an activity straight out
of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. The screen is going to go dark, and I'm going to give
you some instructions for a short mindfulness exercise. Go ahead and set your phone down or
set your computer or screen to the side. Now, I want you to look at the wall for about 10 seconds.
Just look at the wall. Notice that you are not the wall; you are the one looking at the wall.
If you have thoughts pop up, like "What's the point?" or "This is stupid," just thank your mind
for those thoughts and bring your attention back to the wall. Notice that you're looking at it. Now
do this with another object. Look at some other object in the room, and look at it for 10 seconds.
Now, can you notice that you're the one who's looking? There's a part of you observing yourself
look at the object. If you didn't get a sense for it yet, pause this video and try this exercise
with five to ten objects. Just look at an object and then notice that you're the one looking at it.
This ability to notice what you're experiencing, this is called self as observer. Self as
experience and self as observer allow us to step back from our labels and our self-limiting stories
and choose what we value the most and how to act on it. So basically you ask yourself "Is this
label helpful to me?" Now, there are some areas that I do choose to call my identity, but I'm very
selective, and I step back into self as observer to try and get the big picture to see my options
before I decide on any labels that I give myself. So the two that I generally stick with are: I am a
daughter of God, and I can learn and grow. These two give me a lot of space to grow and a solid
foundation to determine my actions. Now, there are some really common ways of labeling yourself
that are like those painted-on cattle guards. They feel like reality, but they aren't. They're just
words or self-limiting beliefs that you have. One of the most common self-limiting beliefs
that I see among my clients is "I'm just a bad person." This belief can be completely disabling.
It's a thought. Is it a helpful one? Does it help you be better? If I think I'm a bad mom, does that
help me be a better one? Usually not. If you tell yourself that you're a bad person because of the
things that you've done, that means that you're inherently good because you want to be good. Start
listening to that voice and acting on it. Find a different set of words that are more helpful. Like
"I made a bad choice as a mom" or "I need to learn more skills to be a better mom. Lots of parents
struggle with parenting. Keep trying to improve and be kind to yourself, Emma." Here's another
label that's not helpful: "I am a broken person." It sounds like "I'm defective, I'm broken,
I'm a failure at relationships" or "I'm broken because of the trauma I experienced." Believing
this label can lead to depression. It excuses not trying and giving up. You may think these things,
but the self as experiencer will just notice that these are thoughts you're experiencing - it's just
a bunch of words passing through your head. You can ask yourself "Is it helpful to think this
way?" or "Do I want to act on these words?" or "Do I want to act on a different set of words?
What words will be most helpful to me?" So what I believe the more truthful and helpful antidote
is to replace the self-label with a behavior label. So instead of saying "I'm such an idiot"
say "I messed that up." Try to be as specific as possible and avoid all-or-nothing thinking,
exaggerations, filtering, or other distortions. Here's another thing: even
so-called positive labels can be quite harmful. How we define ourselves creates our power to act.
Most of the labels that we give ourselves take away either our power to act or our power to
grow. So even a positive self-concept like "I'm smart" can be limiting if we rely on that for our
self-confidence. So for example, in order to preserve that way of thinking, we might avoid
situations where we don't feel competent - the same situation that helps us grow in knowledge.
So for example, one time I was at this cool survival/primitive skills retreat, and someone
was teaching the skill of flint knapping, and I actually really wanted to learn this. But because
I knew nothing about it and I considered myself a smart person, I felt too weird and uncomfortable
going in there and being like "Hey, I don't know anything about this. Can you show me?" And
instead I just avoided that whole situation. So that label of like "Oh, I'm a smart person" got in
my way. Another label uh that sounds positive but really can be harmful is "I'm better than," right?
This leads to comparison - putting others down or competing with them to feel a sense of worth.
And this leads to contention and isolation instead of love and connection. Thinking that you're
better than other people might sound like everyone else is the problem. My spouse is the problem. My
child is the problem. Or you might think something like "I'm the hard worker. I'm the right one.
I'm the good employee." And thinking this way can really set you up to have a lot of problems.
So while these sound like positive self-labels, they're still self-limiting beliefs. Saying "I'm
a kind person" can lead to not setting boundaries. If you think "I always have to be nice and make
everyone feel good all the time," then you might not say no when you really need to,
and instead say, you know, "I value assertiveness and kindness" or whatever it is, right? Just
the whole idea behind this is do your beliefs limit you or do they give you flexibility to
make choice? So instead of searching to find out who you are, focus on ways of seeing yourself
that allow us to be agents who can act. And we can do this by separating ourselves from our actions
and focusing our actions on our valued direction instead of on traits. So it's better to say
"I choose to be kind" instead of saying "I'm a kind person," which can lead to rigidity and not
setting boundaries or even using that statement as a way to justify bad behavior, right? So like
if you're rude or mean to someone but then you tell yourself "Well, but I am a nice person,"
that's a way to justify bad behavior. So I want to ask you to think about what kind of labels have
you given yourself? Are they self-limiting? Which of them get in the way of emotional health or
behavioral change or relationships? How do we do it? How do we let go of our labels? Start off by
noticing how you label yourself. Write them down, and then try to step back from them. Practice
watching your thoughts with the leaves on a stream activity or other cognitive diffusion activities,
and then just explore these labels. Check them for rigidity, falsehoods, or exaggeration,
and then ask yourself which one of these are helpful? And which ones of these beliefs
get in the way of growth or change? Also, make sure and highlight the labels that just serve as
excuses for you. For example, "Oh, I'm just bad at math," right? And consider replacing some of these
labels with a growth mindset - like "I haven't figured this out yet." It may be helpful to get
the perspective of a safe friend or therapist so that you can see your labels more clearly.
And for me personally, prayer can be helpful when I'm trying to understand my sense of self.
When we get in contact with a higher power and ask the question, you know, "How do you see me?"
or "Who am I in the big picture from a spiritual perspective?" we can often get a more truthful
view of ourselves and also let go of false sources of self-worth. These are going to always let you
down. These are things like perfectionism, appearance, approval, and comparison. I'm
going to encourage you to spend less time obsessing about your identity and your ego
and more energy focusing on your values. When you confront a trait that you don't like in yourself,
ask yourself "What value does this represent?" and focus your energy on living that value
instead of beating yourself up. So for example, if you get so busy and wrapped up and thinking about
yourself as a hard worker, you're not focusing on the work. If you're spending your time bemoaning
that you're a mean person, you won't have time to be kind to others. So focus on your work. Focus on
being kind. And don't get stuck putting a ton of energy into choosing whether you're a good
person or a bad person, right? Trying to shift how you feel about yourself. Now, this is a
complicated topic - if if not cognitively, it can be really difficult in practice to let go of our
self-labels. The words we use can really impact how we build our sense of identity, but when you
learn to notice those labels, when you create a little space between yourself and your thoughts,
you can free yourself to choose which of these ways of seeing yourself is helpful - and that can
free you to live a life that you value. It's all about the direction you're going in. It's about
the process of living a good life instead of the labels you give yourself along the way. By lining
our actions up with our values, we can create a fulfilling life, we can feel good about ourselves
and have a life full of purpose, meaning, and joy. This video is one skill from my 30-skill course:
How to Process Your Emotions, where I teach 30 of the most essential skills for resolving
depression, anxiety, and improving mental health. Emotion processing is an essential
skill for working through intense emotions, but most people have never been taught how to do it.
I'm putting every single main video lesson on YouTube for the world to access for free.
You watching these videos, sharing them, contributing to my Patreon and my sponsors
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and links to extended resources, the link to buy the course is in the description below.