Let's start things off
talking about the miracle of life
and why it's so creepy.
REPORTER: A Paris zoo is showing off a mysterious new organism.
They nicknamed it "the blob." It's a yellow,
unicellular, small living being.
It looks like a fungus, but it acts like an animal.
The blob has 720 sexes,
can move without legs or wings
and it heals itself if it's cut in half.
It has no brain but is able to learn.
And if you merge two blobs,
they can transmit knowledge to each other.
Experts call it one of nature's mysteries.
Okay, that sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
Like, that sounded like the news report
everyone in the horror movie ignores
ten minutes before the blob takes over the town.
And, also, what does that mean,
that the blob has 720 different sexes?
Did the blob say that? Huh?
Were the scientists like, "What are your pronouns?"
"All of them!"
And I know a lot of people see this and they get stressed.
They're like, "Oh, my God, this yellow blob
is gonna take over the world."
Guys, some yellow blob with no brain
isn't gonna take over the planet.
Because if it tries,
we have an orange blob with no brain that's gonna fight it!
-Gonna take it down! -(cheering and applause)
Yeah! DJT!
Moving on to some big international news.
Egypt still has old things left to dig up.
20 ancient coffins in Egypt
are being called one of the most important archaeological finds
in recent years. They were discovered recently
along the Nile River.
The coffins were stacked inside a large tomb,
and they were sealed and intact.
Amazingly, their colors and carvings have not faded,
despite being at least 2,000 years old.
Okay, that sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
"Maybe there's a reason these 20 coffins were sealed so tight."
"Shut up and open them. Aah!"
And, by the way, a quick shout-out
to the guy who owned the coffin store in ancient Egypt.
Can we just give him props? Huh?
-Think about it. Those coffins, -(cheering and applause)
those coffins have lasted longer than any civilization ever.
And they're ornate and beautiful and they stand.
I mean, these days-- think about it--
we just bury people in an apple box, basically.
Yeah. Think about it. When they dig up our coffins
in 2,000 years, they're just gonna be like,
"Man, people in 2019 were some broke-ass bitches."
Oh, and, also, quick question.
How much time needs to pass until it's acceptable
to start digging up dead people and looting their graves?
No, because when these guys dig up coffins,
they're "archaeologists," but then, when I do it,
I'm "desecrating the grave of Luther Vandross."
Like, how is that fair?
All right, and, finally, when you're hungry and on the go,
there's nothing better than a drive-through.
But thanks to a new law in California,
you can now also get a drive-over.
Roadkill could soon be on the menu.
Yes, that's right. Roadkill-- it is what's for dinner now.
Governor Gavin Newsom has just signed this new bill into law.
Senate Bill 395 would allow drivers
who unintentionally fatally strike a deer,
elk, antelope or wild pig to take it home and cook it.
It would also allow people who stumbled upon an animal carcass
in the road can also keep it for food.
That is expected to help hungry people across California.
People are gonna be taking dead animals home?
That sounds like the beginning
of a great romantic comedy.
That is gonna be adorable!
"She ran over his leg.
He ran over her heart."
But, yes, eating roadkill is now legal in California.
Yeah. And the owners of 7-Eleven were like,
"Oh, was that illegal?
"Uh... my bad.
Uh, my bad."
And I'm not gonna lie.
This is one of the weirdest stories I've ever seen.
Because, honestly, I've never driven past roadkill
and thought, "Ah, if only it wasn't a crime."
(hisses)
Like, I wouldn't eat a banana I found on the floor.
You're taking home a dead deer?
And, actually, you know what I would do if I wrote this law?
I would have added a part that says if you kill an animal
with your car, you have to eat it.
Not "you can." You have to eat it.
Yeah. You see how safe the highways would become.
People would be like, "Honey, slow down.
I'm not hungry. Slow down."
And, also, just to be fair to the animals,
I would also add that if you hit an animal but you die,
then the animal gets to eat you.
Rules are rules, people! Rules are rules.