- So when I first started Ubering
I was so excited 'cause I was like, I'm not broke no more.
I'm off the bus.
I'm not with these broke bus n*****, you know?
I'm free.
And then I had to UberPool and I was like damn,
this just a little ass bus.
(crowd laughing)
This just a bus where n***** are closer
to you than they would be on the actual bus.
This is garbage. (crowd laughing)
Sucks man, they be in the back eating and shit,
having full conversations.
You try to turn your whole body
to the window so you don't make eye contact.
(crowd laughs)
I figured out how to beat UberPool though, man.
Way you beat UberPool is you ride in the front.
It's the way to defeat that shit
because then you don't feel as low
because then it's like we picking n***** up.
(crowd laughing)
Then you just riding with your homie.
Pulling up on n***** like, "Hey, Cous', get in."
(crowd laughing)
Fuck you going?
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ So let's go ♪
♪ My Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad here ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Yeah Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Got a smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ He got that free water if you want a drink, drink ♪
♪ You know what else he got ♪
♪ He got that stank stank ♪
(crowd laughs)
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪ ♪ God damn ♪
♪ What the fuck ♪ ♪ Smelly Uber driver ♪
♪ Uber driver smells bad ♪
♪ Right when I got inside, I was like, uh-oh ♪
♪ This Honda Civic smells just like a butt hole ♪
(crowd laughs)
♪ What the fuck, man ♪
- I ride in Ubers, I come home late 3:00 AM sometimes.
How dare me, I know.
But these drivers, they pull up to the house.
It's 3:00 AM they say shit like, "You live here alone?"
Like why would you say that? (crowd laughs)
Why don't you know that's creepy.
That's happened to me multiple times.
"You live here alone?"
Like 20 minutes of silence, this is what you choose to say.
(crowd laughs)
And when you choose to say it, what is happening right now?
They turn you into a liar.
You gotta be like, "No it's just me
and my two husbands." (crowd laughs)
"And our pit bulls.
You know we run a pit bull academy if you wanna come by."
(crowd laughs)
It sucks 'cause I love Ubers.
That's how I pretended I'm rich.
I get in, I'm like, "Drive."
That's my shit.
And they fuck it up for me.
I wanna take naps and shit in the Uber.
But you can't nap in the Ubers, right.
Not with a male driver, ladies, we know that.
Can't sleep, can't even catch a wink.
Every once in a while I get a female driver,
that little thing pops up,
I see the woman's face.
I'm like ah, just light a joint, I'm about to relax.
You know what I mean?
I love it, ah! (crowd laughs)
Not with the male driver, can't do that.
You gotta, you know, (crowd laughs)
gotta let 'em see the whites, you know?
(crowd laughs)
You gotta not only be awake,
you gotta make sure they know you're awake.
So that's posturing, ah you know.
I like to roll the window up and down.
Zzz, zzz.
Am I cold, am I hot?
What I am is awake. (crowd laughs)
- I am shocked at Uber.
For you to ride in a car with a motherfucker you don't know.
Come on now.
See I grew up with stranger danger.
You just didn't ride in the car with people you don't know.
But this is where we are in this country.
We riding in the car with people we don't know.
And come on now, if you my age, you know better than that.
You know you ain't comfortable being
in the car with a motherfucker you don't know.
You be so god damn scared.
He's sitting in the front seat with his GPS on,
you in the backseat with your GPS on,
watching his every motherfucking move.
He fuck around and make one more wrong move,
you be like, why you going left?
"Excuse me, why you going left?
"Why you go, why you turning left right here?"
(crowd laughs)
He scared of your ass too.
He looking at you
in the rear view mirror like, "Why you ain't drive,
why you ain't drive?"
(crowd laughs)
Come on now.
And you know you done seen Uber situations
that don't look right.
First of all, the people don't even look like they match
and when you walking past you,
you'll do a double take like,
"What the fuck they doing together?"
But here we are riding with motherfuckers we don't know.
And then on top of Uber, we got Uber Eats
where you let a bitch you don't know bring you your food.
(crowd laughs)
- I spent too long in the closet.
I will not lie about my sexuality
unless my Uber driver looks at me a little funny.
In which case,
"Yeah I do have a girlfriend, her name is Jessica.
She grooms dogs and I love to kiss her."
(crowd laughs)
Basically use my theater degree
to perform a one man show called Toxic Masculinity for Ron.
You know? (crowd laughs)
He eats it up every time.
- Our first boy was almost born in the backseat of an Uber.
(crowd laughs)
My wife started having contractions,
they started moving so quickly,
we called our doctor, explained what was happening.
He said, "You have to come right now."
And we got into the Uber.
And on the way to the hospital, my wife was
in so much pain that she was on all fours in the backseat
of the Uber with her head out the window,
screaming, "I do not like this."
(crowd laughs)
Being very economical with her word choice.
Also in any other city in America, if someone's yelling,
"I do not like this," out the window of a car,
it is an abduction taking place.
(crowd laughs)
In New York City, nobody blinks an eye.
(crowd laughs)
See we weren't on highways, we were like stopped
at stoplights and my wife was screaming,
"I do not like this."
And old women were like crossing the crosswalk saying,
"It's New York City, nobody likes it."
(crowd laughs)
- The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny though.
I mean it's not funny when it's happening to you
but how quick you go from normal
to just an insane person is just, it's all at the same time.
So it's all kind of new to me so I forget I have it
and I'll put myself in a situation and I go, there it is.
I got an Uber once with like seven people.
And so we get in, I go, I'll get in the third row,
trying to be a good guy, and I climb in the back,
they put all the seats up and it just starts hitting me.
And I mean I'm back there,
you're like just trying to be normal.
You know, you're not talking, and then you just go,
"Hey, you think you could roll the window down?
"You know what,
"can everybody just get outta the van real fast?"
(crowd laughs)
I mean, we're just driving down the interstate.
"Hey, could y'all crack the window?
Do you mind if I drive the Uber?
You think I could drive it?" (crowd laughs)
- And I UberX.
If you don't know what that is,
UberX, it's basically like a Toyota Camry picks,
it's basically the car I own picks me up
with a guy who looks just like me
(crowd laughs)
and then I pay him to take me somewhere
'cause I have no willpower.
And I sit in the front seat.
(crowd laughs)
I didn't know people sat in the back seat of a Camry.
(crowd laughs)
What are you doing back there?
Playing make believe, you didn't make it.
(crowd laughs)
I didn't know anybody sat in the backseat
of an UberX until I watched my unemployed friend get
in the backseat of a Honda Civic.
It was the most disrespectful shit I've ever seen
in my life.
'Cause it was a two-door civic.
I've never seen somebody try harder
to be more disrespectful in my life.
It was the funniest thing.
He is like, "Hey, call me tomorrow.
"I'm in, I'll go see the game."
And he didn't know how to get the seat back.
So he is like, what do you do?
You pull up and then you push.
It's like just get in the front seat, Kyle.
Fuck you, he works for me for 10 minutes.
(crowd laughs)
Could you help out?
Does he want a rating, you know?
Help me out?
And the guy helped and then he got
in the back which was way less comfortable.
And then that little triangle window,
he is like, "Call me tomorrow."
(crowd laughs)
- You ever do this?
You ever drunk and you'll get into an Uber
and you bond with the Uber driver
and you think you're having this like beautiful moment
and like solving all the world's problems.
But if you watch yourself the next day,
you'd see you're just kind of
like a worthless drunken smear.
You know, just me and my friends,
we get into this Uber and we're like, "We love you."
And he's like, "I love you too."
He goes, "I love all the people in the world."
He might've been drunk too actually,
now that I think about it. (crowd laughs)
"Because everybody in the world is great people."
We're like, "We're great people."
My friend's like spitting on herself.
She has like a tit out, you know.
And I had this gay couple with me and he goes,
"I don't even care, the gay people, go ahead."
He gave them permission to just continue being gay.
(crowd laughs)
And they were so shitfaced, they were flattered.
They're like, "Thank you so much."
- I was in an Uber with a man up north
and this man we were talking about our grandchildren
and he's got a grandson and he's in love with him.
And he said, "I love him so much
that if he came to me and said,
'Granddaddy, I've killed somebody,
I'm gonna need some help.'"
He said, "I'd do it." (crowd laughs)
And the first thing I thought was,
I'm in an Uber with a man who would cover up a murder.
(crowd laughs)
- Do you know his favorite place in the world?
Front seat of an Uber. (crowd laughs)
That's not what we call it.
He bloody loves the front seat of an Uber,
and he'll fight me for it as well.
He is like, "Move, bitch, I've got fat to chew,
get outta here."
And he jumps up front and off he goes.
All chatty McGee and emotionally available all of a sudden.
(crowd laughs)
And then if there's, you know, just a bit
of like a natural lull in conversation,
he's got this repertoire of bull fuckery
that he just whips out ready to go.
He's always got something to say about the weather.
(crowd laughs)
He's got some very vague statistics on horticulture.
I'm just usually in the back Googling myself.
(crowd laughs)
Also, what is horticulture? (crowd laughs)
- Why are all, not all, but a lot of drivers for some reason
like taxi drivers and something turned out to be racists.
You know, that's what I hear a lot because I don't drive.
So I'll get in a cab and the guy go,
"You know what's wrong with this country, don't you?"
And I go, I got a idea.
So what is it?
I go, so you ever have it when the guy says
and you don't even know which race it is.
Like I had a guy once, he goes,
"You know what's a problem in this country, huh?"
I go, "Tell me."
And he goes "Too many god damn scuttleheads."
I was like, "Huh?"
So I looked it up in the dictionary
and Wikipedia, everywhere, I found scuttle
and I found a head and I tried to put 'em together.
I couldn't understand it.
I've asked people of every race
and no one has ever heard of the term scuttlehead.
- We left the museum and we was like, "Let's get a cab."
And I was like, " No, fuck it, let's Uber,
"let's see what the London Uber shit is like."
Like it was gonna be less rapey or something.
(crowd laughs)
It's like maybe it's not as rapey
or maybe it's rapey with like a tip of the hat or something.
(crowd laughs)
Just something different, you know?
So we get an Uber and I'll say this,
I didn't like also being overseas 'cause I just feel
like people are ballsy now 'cause of who the president is.
How like our country is,
like so people feel like they could just talk shit to you.
You know, you go to foreign country, people are like,
"Hmm," you know, think they could take fuckin' shots
'cause they think our country's in despair.
So I get in the Uber and as soon as he hears my accent,
the motherfucker goes off.
He's like, "Ooh America.
Ooh, Trump, what are you guys gonna do?"
Like n****, Theresa May, Hitler suck my dick.
(crowd laughs)
Like you don't have your fucking problems.
Lick my balls, get outta here.
(crowd laughs)
- I was feeling good about myself after the show.
I hopped into an Uber and, and the driver says
to me, he goes, "Ma'am, where am I taking you tonight?"
And I said, "Oh, just back to my hotel."
And he said, "You just, you staying there
or do you live there?"
I was like, "I'm just staying there.
You understand how hotels work, right?"
(crowd laughs)
Then he said, "Ah, so it's more like a shelter then,
got it."
Right, exactly.
And then he goes, "Hey, a home is a home.
Even though it's a shelter, it's your home, right?"
And I was like, "Dude, not right.
It's not my home or shelter.
It's a hotel like I just told you."
(crowd laughs)
And look, I don't know how many of you guys
have ever been out feeling good about yourself
and you thought you looked pretty nice
and then someone just proclaimed you homeless.
Like, I don't know how often that happens to y'all.
(crowd laughs)
It was my first time.
I didn't love it, but I remember thinking,
Erin don't get upset.
This man drives an Uber, right.
Which means he probably knows this area
and maybe there's a shelter right next to your hotel
and you didn't even notice.
Maybe it's even next door
and the pin drop is so close
to where you're going he couldn't decipher,
because he wasn't being a jerk about it, right.
He was wanting me to feel good about my situation.
He was like, "It's still your home."
Like he was like a motivational Uber.
(crowd laughs)
♪ Yeah, he rocked that Google maps ♪
♪ He rocked that window tint ♪
♪ One thing he doesn't rock is that deodorant ♪
♪ Uber driver sinks, Speed Stick that shit ♪
♪ What the fuck ♪
♪ Come on ♪ ♪ Uber Driver smells bad ♪
♪ I need the iPhone charge ♪
♪ I pass the cord back ♪
♪ And when you take a bath, I scrub the nut sack ♪
♪ Scrub your nut sack, scrub your nut sack ♪
♪ Common courtesy ♪
♪ This shit got germs, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, I can't believe the smell in these Uber cars ♪
♪ Oh wait, I shit my pants ♪
♪ I'll give 'em five stars ♪
♪ Give 'em five stars ♪
♪ Turns out the smell was me ♪
♪ I better give 'em five stars ♪
♪ Word up, motherfucker ♪
(crowd cheers)
(upbeat music)