Parents often react inconsistently to their baby's distress. Sometimes they can be loving.
Other times they are angry, and at other times they may ask their child to worry about them.
Watch this mother's response to her child's cries. "Stop that! I don't want you to do that. Stop it!"
Here's another example, "Come here, honey. You scared me. I thought something terrible had happened. Come here now. Mommy was just
so scared. You make mommy feel better. Give mommy a hug. Make mommy feel better." As you can see, once
when this baby hurt himself, his mother got angry. And another time the mother got more upset than the baby.
"You scared me. I thought something terrible had happened." By doing that, whether she meant to or not,
the message the mom gave her baby was that her own needs were more important than her baby's.
These babies stopped going to their parents for comfort because they don't want to upset their
parents. It's important to remember it's not up to a baby to meet a parent's needs, it's
the other way around. It's up to you to meet your baby's needs. A child who gets a loving
response only some of the time, has to work very hard, often by clinging and whining to
get their mother's attention. They don't know what to expect from the parent and are not sure how to
get love and affection. They can become very demanding. In the long-term, children who are
unsure about themselves, and their parents, are likely to have problems getting along
with other people. Here's another way this mother could have responded to her child.
"Shhh." [mother rocking child] See how this time the mum focuses on the baby's needs. See how she paid attention to her baby.
Calmly picked him up, held him close, and reassured him. She responded to her child on a loving way, and
a baby whose parent responds in this loving way, learns that he can count on his parent to be there
when he needs her. Babies, whose mothers respond in a loving way, learn to trust that their needs
will be respected and valued. And they in turn learn to respect and value other people's needs.
In other words, they can go on to form good, close relationships with their parents and with others.