Reddit relationships cheating.
After 30 years together, she had an affair.
I posted my story a couple of weeks ago.
I received lots of helpful advice.
And, some vitriol in the chat function, I read
all the replies, but, could not respond to all of them due to time.
I ignored the abuse.
There are some strange people out there.
No idea what your agenda is, but, it's water off of a Duck's back
to me. To recap the timeline is not exact, but, the story is. We have
been together for over 30 years.
We started dating in high school two years ago, my wife and I were going
through a rough patch, and she had an affair. D-Day was 12 months ago at the
start of lockdown, unbeknown to my wife.
I read some of their messages.
It appeared as though the physical affair was over, but, they were still in contact.
I later discovered that he had finished a physical affair.
Seven months prior to D-Day, probably because my wayward spouse had
fallen in love with him and he was never going to leave his wife.
She was upset and hurt that he had dumped her, especially as he had
told my wife that he loved her.
They remained friends and continued to message each other.
My wife told him that she could not get him out of her head, this time
Last year, I had never heard of Reddit.
I did not know who to ask for help or advice.
I know my methods are a bit messed up, but my cunning plan was to try and
get the whole truth about the affair, and determine if our marriage could
be saved, not an easy thing to do when you can not believe the word a cheater
says, my wife could not see the AP.
So, I assumed she would contact him using her phone to tell him that I knew about
the affair, for the next six months while we were supposedly trying to fix things
I could, without my wife's knowledge.
See their messages.
Some brief highlights are as follows.
They both lied to each other, and they both blamed each other for the affair.
He said their friendship crossed the line, and he regretted what they did.
My wife never said she regretted the affair.
He chairs the moments together, but also wanted to try and forget it ever happened.
(an oxymoron?)
My wife told him that she hated him, and that he had used her.
He denied this, but other times she said that she missed him, also contradictory.
She said, that she was broken and she could not live with the hurt.
She had caused me.
So at times, she did display some signs of remorse. On a number of occasions.
She said that she would not be able to see him again, and she was not
going to contact him ever again.
A few days later, she would message him.
During these six months, I got myself into great physical shape.
I had individual counseling, there was hysterical bonding.
My wife had told me that she had made a huge mistake.
She wanted a future with me.
I meant the world to her.
She had fallen back in love with me.
I asked her, if she could go back in time and change things,
what would she do differently?
Her reply, was to not let a good friendship turn into an affair, and fix things
between us before the affair started.
She told me, that she would accept any consequences, but, begged me not to
tell our children what she had done.
Our children do not deserve to be hurt.
The truth, was she did not want them to hate her.
On the plus side, my wayward spouse did not say anything derogatory
about me to the AP, at least from the messages I have read, but, she must
have said stuff about our marriage.
To him previously.
He said things like, I hope you can correct the things that
were wrong between you two.
I hope you can move forward, etc.
On the negative side, my wayward spouse told him that I loved her
and she was going to be okay.
Presumably, because she thought I was not going to leave her.
But, she never said to the AP, that she loved me.
At one point, she got angry with AP and said, all I need is my children.
She never said that she needed me, or loved me six months ago.
I thought reconciliation was going to be impossible.
I rang a lawyer to discuss my options.
My wife ease dropped on some of their conversation.
I don't know how much she heard, but, this was a wake up call.
She obviously needed, at this point, her attitude changed and she finally
broke off contact with the AP.
I set some boundaries and consequences, the main one being
no contact under any circumstances.
Otherwise, I would divorce her.
She agreed to all my conditions, given all the messages I had read between them.
I was doubtful that she would not contact him again.
But, for five months, she remained no contact and things seem to be going
in the right direction between us, a few weeks ago, my wife discovered
from a mutual friend of theirs that the AP has an incurable disease.
I thought she would contact him and sure enough, she has done so.
She has betrayed my trust yet.
Again, the messages were innocent enough to begin with.
She sent him positive thoughts.
She hoped the treatment would be a success.
But then said, get better soon and look forward to seeing you soon.
And the final dagger into my broken heart, wayward spouse, one last
thing, do you regret meeting me?
AP, no. Wayward spouse, good! me either.
That's all folks, I am done with her.
There is nothing left worth fighting for.
I know divorce is going to cause me and our children hurt and financial hardship.
I know she has mental issues.
But, she is not willing to get help, and I can not force her.
I know there's no point wasting any additional time trying to understand
her actions, but I still wonder how she could do this to me and our children.
I am going to speak to a lawyer again, this time without her
knowing and get her served.
I hope to get joint custody of our children.
The starting point for the split of our financial assets will be 50/50, but
I want to try and get more than this.
By hook or by crook, I will be receiving some inheritance once the
house of my deceased relative is sold.
I also have Bitcoin, that I purchased a few years ago and the value of this has
increased to a nice amount of money.
I also have a large pension pot.
Is it possible to prevent my soon to be ex-wife?
From getting our hands on the proceeds.
It's not hard to understand she is detached from the relationship because
she doesn't have op in her thoughts.
She doesn't have op as a lover, but, she sees him like a cash
cow, or the father of her kids.
The point is that she is detached.
So, she doesn't care anymore about him, all actions from this perspective.
are explainable.
Now, she thinks the other dude is her great love.
That was never meant to be, because there were never consequences.
Her marriage is just a mechanical thing while the other
relationship was the magical one.
And the real one, she doesn't feel guilty, because she doesn't have
feelings for her husband anymore.
Her loyalty is to the other dude, even if she tells otherwise, I
I still don't understand how people can view those who stand by them as
appliances for their convenience.
I wouldn't feel so terrible for even considering such an action.
Where are these people's sense of compassion and loyalty?
How does that just evaporate?
If you want to understand, you just have to read the cheater's
sub, where they discuss how not to get caught and strategies alot.
The point is, the spouse of the safe spot they need.
The AP is a thrill and the love.
The spouse is only meant to give them the safety.
They need to keep cheating.
That's why, she treats art more like something mechanical,
like a chore to her op is fake.
He is a device that keeps the family together, but, not at the
same level of humanity as the AP.
You don't love your refrigerator.
You use a refrigerator.
She working in the marriage is the same as you sending your refrigerator to be fixed.
A chore only.
That's what happens when respect ceases to exist.
And I think OP has a bit of responsibility here.
He didn't demand respect, so he got none.
Should she get treatment?
She would have to first acknowledge her husband at the same level.
Like a man.
She doesn't right now, husband is something she manipulates.
AP is someone she loves.
That is the distinction.
Unfortunately, the problem with reconciliation, is you're not only
fighting your own demons, but basically having to compete with the emotional
attachment between wayward wife.
And her AP, there are reasons why many people on here say don't stay with her.
It's because of experience, we have been through this and know that the
love fog you have with your wife is just as strong as their cheating fog.
But, at least for you.
Lesson learned, most wayward spouses never really get over their AP'S.
Good luck friend.
It's insane to me, how they view AP'S.
Most of the time, they're less attractive and never did a damn thing
for them, especially in comparison to what you did for them as their
spouse, in the minds of these sick people, years of being there for them.
Sharing life with them, the gifts, the kids, the memories, the vacations,
etc, seem to pale in comparison to some excitement of cheap sex.
They gave up everything for someone who was simply using you for sex.
They become obsessed with them.
It's so crazy.
When you look at my wife's AP'S, they were not even good-looking, neither
were rich, and neither were good guys, but when you're a narc and there is
some new male attention to be had.
I guess you have to pounce