Thank you for appreciating that.
Stop coughing, keep that
to yourself.
(audience laughing)
I'm a germaphobe.
You can rob somebody with a cough
these days.
How you doing?
Ah ah, What's wrong with you?
(audience laughing)
Give me the money.
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm talking about.
You got to hold your coughs in.
(audience laughing)
(fake coughing)
We have a witness over there.
(audience laughing)
This is my favorite side
of the audience right there.
They laughing all the way.
I heard somebody on that side
say, "Oh man,
"that's funny right there.
"That's funny."
That's when you know you hit a nerve
when somebody says, oh man.
That was my favorite thing
to say, growing up.
You didn't even care about anything
going on.
You just say. "Oh man."
It can be good or bad.
Oh man.
Get off your phone ma'am please,
if you could.
- Oh I'm sorry.
- Yes I know you're sorry,
but get off the phone.
- It's an emergency.
- She's got kids in the car.
Mommy will be out in a minute,
I'm on a date.
Trying to get you a new dad.
(audience laughing)
I'm in the middle of a joke, ma'am.
I'm at work.
I can't come to your job,
knocking your fries out the hand.
Put them fries down you
don't overcook them.
(audience laughing)
I'm just serious.
(audience laughing)
I can't tell if you're laughing
or crying.
Everybody in the room
looked like a surgeon right now.
(audience laughing)
It's your appendix right?
(audience laughing)
One more person I want to shout out
to on the camera
because I know everybody's
watching this all around the world.
I got a cousin man.
I got a cousin we ain't friends.
I got cousin name Omar.
What's up Omar?
I hope you're watching this.
I haven't seen him in years.
He's a nomad.
Omar just pops up out of nowhere.
Anybody got cousins like that?
Family members?
They just disappear and you just
happy that they're alive when they
show up.
That's my cousin, Omar.
Him and my friend Tommy.
We call him little Tommy.
He's Italian.
He grew up in my neighborhood,
and he's like family.
We were sitting on a couch
one night.
And we were watching this movie
called Set It Off.
It's a movie about females robbing
banks-- four females--
Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett,
and a couple of other females.
And they robbed the banks.
And they keep getting away with it.
And Tommy is the only Italian
in our neighborhood.
And Tommy thought it would be
a good idea to do the same thing
that they were doing in the movies.
He said, "we can do that."
I said, no, we can't.
And he said, "yes we can."
I said, you must have a mouse
in your pocket.
I'm not doing that.
He said, "man, we can get away
"with it."
I said, you are on your own.
And Tommy did.
He watched the whole movie.
And Tommy used to get inebriated.
You know, he smoked a little bit.
He used to drink a little bit.
And that's not a good thing
to do because it can mess up
your thinking.
And Tommy, he didn't go to a bank,
but he went to a corner store.
And he walked in the corner store,
and he reached under this shirt,
pulled out the gun,
and pointed at the lady,
and he said, "hey, give me the money."
And the cashier gave him everything,
but he didn't see the security guard
when he walked in the store.
And she pointed the gun at his head.
And while he was pointing the gun
at the cashier.
She put it to his head,
and she said, "freeze."
And he froze up and he dropped
everything.
And she grabbed him,
and she handcuffed him.
And he was so inebriated,
all he could say was, "oh man."
(audience laughing)
You all laugh right away.
I thought it was funny too.
My whole family went to court
for the arraignment.
We went back two or three times.
They had a bunch of different court
dates.
I was sitting up there
with some popcorn,
sneaking my popcorn.
I said I got to see this.
And they played tapes back in court.
Anybody else been in the court?
You've been to court?
OK.
You know when they play the tapes
back in court, they don't play them
back in real time.
They play them back pixelated.
Like it was so funny
because every time they played
the tapes back,
everybody in the courtroom
said, "oh man", at the same time.
And when they show them,
they didn't move in real time
like I'm moving like this.
They show-- when he pulled off
the robbery, it looked like this.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Man, I laughed all the way home.
Thank you all, I'm Arvin Mitchell.
God bless you.
Good night.
(audience cheering)