AND KAINE IS HERE AT AN APPROPRIATE TIME, AND DONALD
DONALD TRUMP-- I NEED MY HONEY LOQUAT-- DONALD TRUMP IS ALREADY
FLOATING THE CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT THE ELECTION MIGHT BE
RIGGED.
AND WHO KNOWS, HE COULD BE RIGHT, BECAUSE I HEARD THAT
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE PLANNING TO USE A SECRET BALLOT.
AND THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES SHAKING UP
THE ALT-DARKNET, LIKE HILLARY CLINTON'S SECRET ILLNESS, WHICH
WAS PROVEN LAST NIGHT BY NOTED MEDICAL EXPERT, KARL ROVE'S
FACE.
>> SHE HAS A CONCUSSION ON THE 13th OF DECEMBER-- FALLS DOWN,
AND HAS A CONCUSSION.
BUT WE'RE NOT TOLD ABOUT IT UNTIL THE 15th OF DECEMBER, TWO
DAYS LATER.
WE'RE TOLD ON THE 25th THAT-- EXCUSE ME, ACTUALLY GOT THIS
WRITTEN DOWN.
>> THE WHITE BOARD, ON THE HEALTH!
I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.
>> WE'RE TOLD ON THE 28th OF DECEMBER THAT SHE IS GOING TO BE
BACK TO THE OFFICE NEXT WEEK.
ON THE 30th SHE IS HOSPITALIZED WITH A BLOOD CLOT, BUT WE ARE
NOT TOLD ABOUT IT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY.
>> TWO PAGES.
>> ON THE 23rd OF JANUARY, 2013, SHE SHOWS UP AT THE BENGHAZI
HEARING WEARING FRESNEL PRISM GLASSES THAT HELP PEOPLE WHO
HAVE SUFFERED A CONCUSSION OR TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY GET THEIR
VISION RIGHT.
IN FACT, THE NEXT YEAR HER HUSBAND, BILL CLINTON, SAYS IT
WAS TERRIBLE.
BECAUSE SHE REQUIRED SIX MONTHS OF VERY SERIOUS WORK TO
GET OVER.
THAT'S WHAT HE ADMITTED A YEAR LATER.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
HILLARY CLINTON'S ILLNESS HAS SPREAD TO MEGYN KELLY, CAUSING
HER VERTICAL BLINDNESS IN ONE EYE AND UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLES!
IT HAS GOT TO BE TRUE.
KARL ROVE WROTE IT ON WHITEBOARDS.
THOSE ARE USED ONLY FOR THE MOST SERIOUS MATTERS, LIKE
CONSPIRACY THEORIES, FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFTS, AND DRAWING
DONGS IN THE BREAKROOM.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THE PUPPET MASTERS OF POLITICS DON'T
WANT US TO KNOW.
AND TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO SHINE A LIGHT ON THEM IN MY NEW
SEGMENT: "THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS: STEPHEN COLBERT'S
TINFOIL HAT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS ALWAYS, TINFOIL HAT IS
BROUGHT TO YOU BY REYNOLDS WRAP: KEEPING
GOVERNMENT RADIO SIGNALS OUT OF YOUR BRAIN SINCE 1999.
WELCOME TO THE TRUTH BUNKER, WHERE I SHARE THE SECRET TRUTHS
THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW AND I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW.
LET'S BEGIN.
NOW, HILLARY CLINTON'S SUPPORTERS SAY SECRETARY CLINTON
IS NOT ILL.
OH, REALLY?
THEN WHY IS IT RIGHT IN HER NAME
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, ENOUGH POLITICS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT US TO TALK ABOUT.
IT'S A DISTRACTION FROM THE REAL QUESTION: HOW COME ONLY ONE TYPE
OF DOG IS ALLOWED TO BE FIREMAN?
DO ALL OTHER DOGS LOVE SETTING FIRES?
IS CHINA GENETICALLY ENGINEERING SUPER SMART BABIES?
HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE FACT THAT BY THE TIME THEY'RE
THREE, THEY CAN ALL SPEAK CHINESE?
I WANT YOU TO CONSIDER THE VERY REAL POSSIBILITY THAT ALL JASON
BOURNE MOVIES ARE THE SAME MOVIE, AND THEY JUST ERASE OUR
MEMORIES EACH TIME.
HOW ELSE COULD I DO THIS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THERE'S MORE.
IT HAS NOT ESCAPED MY NOTICE THAT BOWLING BALLS AND
ELECTRICAL OUTLETS BOTH HAVE THREE HOLES, BUT FOR SOME
REASON, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR FINGERS IN ONE THEM.
OR YOUR PENIS IN EITHER OF THEM.
WHAT DO THEY NOT WANT US TO EXPERIENCE?
AND WHAT IS THE HIDDEN VALLEY RANCH HIDING?
IS IT ALIEN FOOD TECHNOLOGY?
I KNOW I CAN'T STOP DRINKING IT.
NOW, LET ME JUST-- THERE'S MORE.
LET ME JUST CHECK MY NOTES.
OH, YES, IS IT TRUE THAT THERE'S AN ELABORATE NETWORK OF
GOVERNMENT-FUNDED HIGHWAYS CONNECTING AMERICA'S ON-RAMPS?
THE SO-CALLED "NEW TESTAMENT?" IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE OLD.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WHO REALLY WROTE THE WORKS
OF SHAKESPEARE?
AND WHO REALLY WROTE MY TERM PAPER ON THE WORKS OF
SHAKESPEARE?
BECAUSE I HAVE PROOF IT WASN'T ME.
WHEN I ORDER THE SOUP AND HALF SANDWICH, WHO'S EATING THE OTHER
HALF OF MY SANDWICH ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HO'S WATCHING THE SHOW "BONES?" ( LAUGHTER )
THEY SAY IT'S BEEN ON FOR 11 YEARS, AND YET I HAVE NO PROOF
THAT IT EXISTS.
NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S A LOT OF POWERFUL PEOPLE WHO DON'T
WANT US TO KNOW THINGS.
BUT REST ASSURED, YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST ME, BECAUSE I CAN'T BE
BOUGHT BY SOME FACELESS CORPORATE ENTITY.
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.