>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN" EVERYBODY RIGHT
THERE!
THERE YOU GO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON -- JON, MY FRIEND, I HOLD IN
MY HOT LITTLE HAND HERE THE CARDS TO BE TALKING TO OUR GUEST
TONIGHT, THE LOVELY, TALENTED, THE ONE AND ONLY DUA LIPA IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE.
>> Jon: THAT'S GREAT!
I LOVE HER, I LOVE HER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
VALENTINES DAY IS IN A WEEK AND A HALF, AND A BIG VALENTINE'S
DAY TRADITION IS THE VALENTINES CARD.
THERE ARE LOTS OF GREAT ONES OUT THERE, BUT THEY DON'T
ALL GET IT ON THE FIRST TRY.
SO TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN
OUR SEGMENT: FIRST DRAFTS.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> NO, NO, STUPID!
♪♪ ♪♪
>> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, FOR FIRST DRAFTS, I NEED A LITTLE
HELP.
MY WIFE EVIE MAGEE.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S NICE.
>> THAT'S SO SWEET, THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> YOU'RE LIKE ALL MY BEST FRIENDS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DARLING, HAPPY
VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> SAME TO YOU.
>> Stephen: HERE'S CHOCOLATE.
IS IT ACTUALLY CHOCOLATE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT IS FOR LATER.
DARLING, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DOING THIS.
>> IT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO HAVE ME BACK.
>> Stephen: IT'S A PLEASURE.
YOU DON'T MIND DOING THIS?
>> NO, I'M GOOD.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE STARTED THIS BECAUSE DURING
COVID THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE WHO COULD DO IT.
>> I STILL THINK THERE'S NO ONE ELSE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
IT TURNED OUT TO BE A LOT OF FUN.
HERE IS HOW IT WORKS: IN FIRST DRAFTS, I SHOW YOU A
VALENTINE THAT SOLD IN STORES.
AND THEN I SHOW YOU THE NOT-SO-GOOD FIRST DRAFT.
THIS PERSON'S GOT AN INTERNATIONAL FEEL.
"AMOR? AMOUR? AMORE?.
NO MATTER THE LANGUAGE, I LOVE YOU!"
>> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: BUENO.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID.
"AMOR? AMOUR? AMORE?" "IT'S PRONOUNCED
'ARMOIRE,' RICK.
MAYBE DUOLINGO JUST ISN'T YOUR THING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THIS.
I LIKE THE FACT THAT THE SHOULDERS ARE BARE RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S VERY RACY.
>> I KNOW, I KNOW!
>> Stephen: IN SOME COUNTRIES YOU CAN'T SHOW YOUR SHOULDERS
LIKE THAT.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
WE DON'T HAVE PLANS YET.
>> AREN'T WE GOING TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL?
IT'S SUPER BOWL.
>> Stephen: IT'S MONDAY, RIGHT?
VALENTINE'S DAY'S ON A MONDAY, SO, NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO WATCH
THE SUPER BOWL ON MONDAY.
WE COULD.
WE COULD RECORD IT AND JUST ALL DAY SAY -- NOBODY TELL ME!
>> WHY DON'T I COME BACK NEXT WEEK AND WE'LL GO TO DINNER?
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NO SHOWS NEXT WEEK.
FEEL FREE TO COME BACK.
>> YOU'RE ON ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
IF YOU SAY SO.
IS SHE RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S NOT FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
>> WHO KEEPS THE CALENDAR?
>> Stephen: YOU DO, AND ALL THE MONEY, BY THE WAY.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU COULD JUST GRAB THE CHECKBOOK AND RUN --
>> AND I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE A HOBO.
MY HOBO WIFE.
WE'LL STITCH SOME BANDANA ON THERE.
HERE'S ONE WHO HAS A CUTE BAGEL THEM.
IT SAYS: "YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.
WE'RE BAE-GOALS!" AW, THAT'S NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.
BUT I NEED SOME SESAME TIME."
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T.
I DON'T.
I WILL ASK FOR THE CARD.
DON'T RUSH ME HERE!
>> WHOO!
>> Stephen: DON'T RUSH ME.
WOW, SOMEBODY'S GETTING BOSSY.
CAN I HAVE THE CARD, PLEASE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> NO.
YOU HAVE TO ASK NICELY.
>> Stephen: MAY I PLEASE?
I SAID MAY I HAVE THE CARD PLEASE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HERE'S A SWEET ONE.
"THIS RELATIONSHIP IS ON THE RIGHT TACK!
AND I CHOO-CHOO CHOOSE YOU!" THAT IS REALLY NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS ON THE
RIGHT TRACK.
I'M INTO CABOOSE PLAY."
( AUDIENE REACTS ) DO YOU NEED ME TO EXPLAIN THAT
ONE TO YOU?
>> NO, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE -- FIRST CARD.
( LAUGHTER ) WORK MY WAY BACK INTO YOUR GOOD
GRACES BY THE TIME THIS SEGMENT'S OVER.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS "YOU'RE CUTE AS A BUTTON.
THANKS FOR HOLDING ME TOGETHER."
>> AW...
>> Stephen: THAT IMMILES THE CENTER OF THE CARD HAS HAD SOME
SORT OF NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS.
>> WE NEED TO BE HELD TOGETHER.
EVERYONE'S HAD A BREAKDOWN.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST THRAFT SAID
"YOU'RE CUTE AS A BUTTON.
BUT ALL MY PANTS ARE DRAWSTRING NOW.
I HAVE GIVEN UP."
>> I ACTUALLY THINK THAT IS PRETTY CUTE, TOO.
>> Stephen: THAT IS CUTE, TOO.
>> DO YOU WANT IT?
>> Stephen: I DO WANT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS, "MY HEART IS YOURS, YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY."
>> VERY CUTE.
>> Stephen: THE SECOND ONE SAYS,
"MY HEART IS YOURS.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "MY HEART IS YOURS.
SO TECHNICALLY, IT'S 'OUR' CHOLESTEROL PROBLEM."
DO YOU KNOW WHAT.
>> DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH HIGH CHOLESTEROL.
>> Stephen: I DO.
THE FIRST PRESCRIPTION AS A MID '50s MAN, I GOT LIPITOR FOR MY
BIRTHDAY.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME?
>> A PILL BOX.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HUMILIATING.
SHE WATCHED ME OPEN IT LIKE THI- ( LAUGHTR )
THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
MAYBE THE LAST ONE EVER.
>> YOU THREW IT AWAY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S SOMEWHERE IN THERE.
DID I?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME THE CARD.
>> THEY MAKE THEM NOW WITH A.M. -- I THINK MY MOM HAS ONE
WITH A.M., MIDDLE OF THE DAY, P.M., THEY ARE ELABORATE PILL
BOXES.
>> Stephen: I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
HERE'S ONE FOR ANY DOG LOVERS OUT THERE, IT SAYS
"LIFE CAN BE RUFF.
BUT I'M DOGGONE LUCKY TO HAVE YOU."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> SWEET.
>> Stephen: THAT IS TRUE, DARLING.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "LIFE CAN BE RUFF.
WHICH IS WHY, WHEN I'M STRESSED, I PEE IN YOUR CLOSET."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND EVIE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )