Hello, my name is Stephen Woodford, and with me today is Dr. Billy Craig Lane, High Priestess
of the Santa-Day Saints.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for having me on Steve - the pleasure’s all mine, and please, call me Dr. Your-Grace.
I’m…
I’m not going to do that…
Anyhow, I understand that you’re not a particular fan of my work?
And that you want to set me straight on a couple of things?
Which will make-- Well, actually, I’m a huge fan of your work, in the sense that I
believe that you’re right about every other religion but my religion, Santaism.
And I must say that I’m particularly impressed with how you’ve dealt with Christianity,
who actually assert that there’s a bearded man in the sky that loves them… hahaha.
But… you believe there’s a bearded man in the sky that loves you…
Yes, but only one night of the year… and he wears red!
Big differences, that you would be aware of if you’d only studied the advent calender
and the gospel of our hymns.
Sigh… okay, so let’s just get straight to business…
Do you have any proof that Santa exists – any evidence?
Well Steve, do you have any proof that Santa doesn’t exist?
That’s not how the nature of proof works – you’re the one making an assertion and
so you have the Burden of Proof – the onus is on you.
It’s not up to me to prove the non-existence of fairies, gods, or-- I’ll take that as
a ‘no’. *raised eyebrow*.
Well despite you not being able to prove that Santa doesn’t exist, I can prove that he
does exist.
Just look around you Steve, look at the trees, listen to the birds, dance with the reindeers
– everything testifies to his existence.
Uhm, how?
You asantaists really are blind, aren’t you?
Only Santa could’ve bestowed such ‘gifts’!
Ah… okay, I’ve got the feeling that you’re committing a Circular Reasoning fallacy here…
and so I have to ask, how’re you defining the word ‘gift’, and how have you concluded
that trees, birds and reindeers are ‘gifts’?
Well, according to the impartial authority, Santaisreal.com, a ‘gift’ is a ‘A thing
given willingly to someone without payment; a present… from Santa’, and it is scientifically
proven that birds, trees and reindeers are gifts because in the thirteenth century Father
Aqua conducted a peer-reviewed study in which he looked at them…
There’s so much wrong with what you just said.
First of, you are committing a Circular Reasoning fallacy because like a Christian who asserts
that ‘The bible is the word of god because god tells us it is… through the bible’,
you’re asserting that ‘Trees are a gift from Santa because Santa tells us they are…
through trees.’
And secondly-- Seriously Steve, how can you not look into a new-born baby boy’s eyes
and not recognise that he is a gift that only true greatness can bestow?
How could you be so blind?
Okay… babies can be seen as a gift (depending on how you define the word ‘gift’), but
we know that they don’t come from Santa-- Ah!
Santa works in mysterious ways, my boy.
Mysterious, that is his way.
My boy?
I’m actually older than you…
That’s just a theory.
Oh come on Billy…
Now now Steve, you’re being a typical asantaist – closed-minded and fundamental.
Now since you like syllomcgisms so much-- Do you mean syllogisms?
Yeah, soliloquy.
I’ve got one that’ll knock your stockings of the wall – and I’ve written it down
so that even your unenlightened sheeple subscribers can understand.
Premise one – gifts can only come from Santa.
Billy, that’s upside down.
No it’s not!
Premise two – gifts exists.
Premise three – Santa exists.
I think you’ll find that’s checkmate – King me!
Billy, that’s an incredibly fallacious argument!
Thank you.
To put it simply, you’re committing an Equivocation Fallacy with the word ‘gift’, because
during premise one you’re using the definition ‘A thing given willingly to someone without
payment; a present… from Santa’, but during premise two you’re using the definition
‘A thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present’, and so your conclusion
is invalid.
Plus, if you just replace the word ‘Santa’ with anything else, such as ‘fairies’,
then the argument works… or fails, all the same.
No!
Because Santa is not a fairy!
… Billy, are you not listening to anything I’m saying?
Let me ask you Steve, why is there some gifts rather than no gifts?
Where did the first gift come from?
Why did the evolution big bang all over the thermodynamics?
That’s right – you don’t know!
So for Santa’s sake be humble, and for once in your life claim to know the answer to these
questions!
Give in to the gift within!
I care about you.
I want you to have presents!
All you’ve just done is present variants of the Santa of the Gaps argument…
they’re all Arguments from Ignorance or Personal Incredulity Fallacies.
What you’ve essentially said is ‘We don’t know, therefore Santa’ – it’s ludicrous!
I want you to have presents, why can’t you understand that?
I’ve got another question…
No, stay on track…
I’ve got another question… does all of this hatred and hilterism come from you not
getting the present you wanted when you were young?
Is that why you’re so angry with Santa?
I’m not angry with Santa, Billy…
I can’t be angry at someone I don’t believe in.
Well you seem pretty angry right now Steve – you seem to be missing the gift within…
maybe that’s why you won’t refer to me as Dr. Your-Grace.
Sighs, so we’re obviously not getting anywhere with philosophy and logic, and so maybe you
have something more tangible?
Do you have any physical evidence?
I do indeed, and as it happens, I’ve brought it in with me.
First, here’s an undeniable photo of Santa’s existence, and here-- Woa, woa, woa…
This is literally a coca-cola advert… you know that, surely?
That’s what the government wants you to think.
And here’s a GPS of where Santa is right now!
He’s being tracked by the NORAD Steve – he’s tracked!
King me!
Billy, NORAD isn’t serious…
it’s just a bit of fun.
You’re unbelievable Steve… are you really going to go against our founding fathers and
the constitution?
They believed in-- Billy, Billy, Billy!
What the hell?
We’re not American…
We’re all one race, Steve, this is what you asantaists don’t seem to understand.
We’re all one gift – it’s written on our livers!
Okay… this debate has been… enthralling… but I think it’s about time we wrap it up.
I agree – as much as I’ve enjoyed educating you, I’ve got to get going…
yeah, well erh, thanks for the debate, take care, and happy holidays Billy.
How dare you!
First you refuse to call me Dr. Your Grace, then you can’t prove that Santa doesn’t
exist, and now you have the audacity to say the double H term?
You, Sir, are utterly giftless.
… wha?
I don’t know the way out… where’s your chimney?
Seriously Billy… are you not listening to anything I’m… haha.
Sorry, ready?
Ready?
We’re good?
Yeah.
Seriously Billy, are you not listening to anything…
hahahahaha!