You know if I were to pick one of the seven Cs that made really the biggest
difference to young people's resilience, it would simply hands-down have to be
connection, the power of human connection. What does six decades of research tell
us? It tells us that the kids who are going to be resilient, the kids are going to be
able to thrive through difficult times, and and flourish during good times
are the kids who are connected. The kids who have at least one adult, more is better,
who believe in them without condition and'll hold them to high expectation.
You know when we're talking about connections, clearly the most important
connection is that that comes from their parents, but the more connections the
better, you know. Great if they have connections with extended family, with
siblings, with coaches, with teachers, with the community with culture, with
spiritual homes, all of that makes kids richer and safer. You know, some of these
connections with your own child you've earned just because you're their parent,
but I have to tell you that I want to prepare you for the fact that during
adolescence some of those connections might feel challenged. You know, you,
suddenly your child might wish you were invisible, sometimes your child might
even hate you for a few days or months, and for you to get past it without
actually believing for a minute that your connection is really
impaired, what I want you understand is what's going on. Kids, ultimately gonna
have to fly from our parental nest and that is an unbelievably challenging and
scary thing for them to do. Who wants to fly from a nest that's all comfortable
and cozy. You want to fly from a nest that's prickly. You want to fly from a
nest that you couldn't imagine staying in one minute longer.
Kids have to go through an experience of feeling like they hate you, of wishing
you weren't around, because they love you so much it hurts and they want you
around so badly that they can't imagine a future where you're not going to
always be there. So if you understand that and you understand that our connection
with our kids is challenged during adolescence not because they really
don't like us, but because they love us so much it hurts, it allows us to
maintain that connection. How else do we keep our connections going during
adolescence? It's by not creating too much drama. You know, we always want to
kind of solve our kids problems, maybe hover, react really strongly and when we
do we push kids away. Adolescence is about figuring things out of your own.
Not cause you necessarily want to, but because you must. And when parents get
really hovering and controlling or dramatic, then what happens is we push
our kids away. Parents, we should be like a lighthouse on the shoreline, a stable
force from which our kids can measure ourselves against. We should absolutely
look down at the rocks and make sure that kids don't crash against them. We
should look into the waves and trust that our kids are gonna learn to ride
them and prepare them to do so. When we're lighthouse parents, ever-present
but also trusting their growing independence, kids want to stay connected
with you, they want to keep go and looking back at the shoreline and making sure
you're there. Remember, ultimately when we're talking about our connections, we
don't want to have relationships that end at 18. We want relationships that're
gonna last forever. So while our goal is absolutely independence, our real goal if
we're going to be honest with ourselves, is interdependence. We want our kids to
be involved in our lives until we're old. We want to know our grandchildren. What's
the secret of maintaining that connection? It's not being overly
controlling. Kids have to grow up. They have to become independent. And when we
put so many demands on them, when we hover over them, when we control their
lives, it is their obligation to push us away. And when they have the freedom to
be able to stand on their own, they don't want to turn back. Instead we want our
kids to know that we want them to be independent.
We're like the wind behind their sails that's our goal for them.
We don't install the control buttons. Then what happens is when our kids learn
that they can fly on their own, they want us involved in their lives. They
want our continued presence. And why our multiple connections so important beyond
our parental love? Because we remind people that they're part of something,
part of a culture, a community, a team, a spiritual community, a family. It reminds
them that they matter. They matter to other people. The bottom line is this:
human connection is it the root of our security. It's what gives us the
confidence to be able to meet challenges and we're always stronger when we join
together connected in a common effort.