each and every single one of us
has
an unhealed childhood rule there's
something there that drew you to
the relationship that would reinforce
some of those beliefs you had due to
that childhood that makes sense right
because the thing we're looking for
is we're all looking to get hold
and the reason we like who we like is
because we see something in them
that if i could have a piece of that too
i could feel more whole
[Music]
welcome to class i'm kyle kiddleson the
host of med circle joined today by dr
ish major should i call you a
relationship expert dr ish uh you know
you
you can
i'm allowed because it's uh
it we we cover i end up covering a lot
you know and uh you you can't tease out
the emotional stuff from the
relationship stuff because it's all
relationships it's true i i've said
people go well who's med circle for and
of course i have a much longer answer
than what i'm about to give and i said
it's for a lot of people but if you're
dating
it is really for you because uh you can
learn a lot about yourself and the
people you are
find yourself in a relationship with
through a mental health education at
least that's one of the things i've
learned we're going to get some to some
med circle member questions today but i
want to start um with some questions for
you dr ish aside from the obvious what's
the psychological difference between a
romantic and a platonic relationship
well kyle
let's not skip over the obvious so
what's what's the obvious
sex
aha but is it
okay i don't know because there are
there are a select group of people in
this world more men than than women who
can have sex and not be in a romantic
relationship right
to a to a great many women's horror and
utter dismay
there are guys out there who can be in a
full-on sexual relationship and have
zero romantic feelings towards you
whatsoever it's like eating a sandwich
or drinking a glass of water it's a need
they met it and they're moving on down
the road so let's not skip over that
right so that's so there's that part
and and let's really not skip over that
i mean i have been up to late hours in
the night with my friends talking about
that very thing and it is true i mean a
lot most of my male friends when they
were single i mean sex to them was a
checklist item not a uh indication of a
romantic relationship so good reminder
right right it could be it could be an
activity but if we're if we're going
with the traditional definitions um
right you know it and this is
it's gonna sound weird uh but this is
not a knock on any of us i don't care
how much you love your partner the
reason you keep coming back to that
relationship is because how it makes you
feel
right right it it helps us feel good and
that's why we show up when we do nice
things for each other it helps us feel
good and and the main difference between
a platonic relationship and a romantic
relationship is what we expect in return
right in a romantic relationship we give
something and there's an unspoken
expectation that i want to get a little
something back right whether it's time
it's attention affection caring
connection
some type of belonging right in a
romantic relationship my goal and a lot
of times wrongly so is to be accepted by
the person i love right which
automatically means kyle we're going to
start shutting parts of ourselves down
the moment we think we're attracted to
him you know what i'm not going to tell
kyle that because he may think i'm weird
i'm not going to know that deep dark
secret just yet because maybe maybe
they'll reject that i'm not i'm not
going to wear certain things i'm not
going to talk about certain topics
because i don't want to offend this
partner this potential partner who i may
be interested in so we immediately start
shutting down some of those parts of
ourselves to gain that acceptance uh
because in those romantic relationships
a lot of times our worth is on the line
yeah because craving that acceptance
with every conversation with angry
interaction but if it's platonic
strictly platonic then the gold is
entirely different right i just want to
show up and be seen right i just i'm
going to have some interactions i'm
going to feel refreshed i'm going to
feel invigorated because i just showed
up and y'all like yep that's it he's a
bald guy likes to have fun right and we
showed up we had fun we were able to
just enjoy the time together and it's a
totally different reason for being in
the room it's a totally different
feeling and a totally different dynamic
so those are the main differences
really well
yeah now
i'm dating somebody right now
and i'm very cognizant of not seeking
acceptance and rather
attempting to display
kyle kittleson as he really is my
unbeatable opinions my actual attitude
the fire alarm's going off again um
hopefully i'm not asked to leave my
apartment don't burn down
15 minutes ago
um but um
uh so but here's here's what i run in
here's what i've run into or what i
hypothesize is that the person i'm
dating is still seeking acceptance so
when i say look i don't eat um uh
chinese food i do but i'm just using
this i don't eat chinese food i don't
want to go there he'll say well yeah i
don't eat that's cool i don't eat
chinese food either and i go yeah but
maybe you do eat chinese food and you
just lied to me because you want
acceptance right what's your
your reaction to that right so you
create right what you got to create is
some people call it a safe space i call
it a brave space right and it's it's a
brave space for folks to go
and and show all of who they are and and
know that it's going to be met with
acceptance as far as
no shame right the the brave space
doesn't have any shame in it right i'm
not going to shame you if you like
chinese food i'm not going to shame you
if you like mcdonald's i'm not going to
shame you right if you like potato chips
at two in the morning there's you can
tell me that there's no shame and so so
you gotta say you know and just say hey
well
if it were up to you what would you want
right and then and then
leave the space for them to fail
right it may take two seconds shut up
right right right it may take two
seconds it may take 20 seconds but
you've got to leave that space because a
lot of times man this is one of the
heartbreaking things i found there's
there's a lot of folks in life who just
don't get listened to
um
when we talk about mental health in
relationship are there in relationships
are there any mental health disorders
that you've see that you feel come up
more often than others that negatively
impact relationships oh yeah 100 100 was
the big three right anxiety depression
substance use substance use now more
than ever and to a very large extent
there's a fourth but much less talked
about which is ptsd and some of those
unhealed traumas all right uh but those
those tend to rear their ugly heads
later rather than sooner than after the
fact it's like oh i i guess that was
what's what's going on but the more
common ones are the big three right it's
the anxiety it's depression and it is
100
the substance use it's whatever that
thing is that's getting in the way and
keeping them emotionally unavailable to
you right
the trick for the partner right so if
i'm dating somebody uh and they're
anxious or they're depressed or they're
you know struggling with with alcohol or
pills the trick for me is to do two
things
just to accept them as they are right
this is that's a part of the package
right that's part of kyle's package
kyle's got some opinions he likes
chinese food that's part of kyle's pack
got it right
not here to change it that's the first
thing number two
is to realize that
i'm not the cause of it
i'm not making you anxious i'm not
making this person depressed i'm i'm not
the reason they drink so much because
that's a part of that dynamic as well
and then number three and this is the
big thing and this is something that i
recently
have battled with myself is to realize
it is not my responsibility to try and
fix it
right you can't i know there's about
half of the people watching me do write
that down write it down
bring that up on med circle you are not
in charge of diagnosing treating or
fixing somebody else right you are not
you cannot fix a problem
that's not yours to solve this is not
it's just not right you you're right
everybody's here having their own
experience everybody's got their own
individual mountain to climb right now
by all means when their gear gets heavy
help them lug it up the mount
right
but but you can't carry it the whole way
for them and once you can understand
that right because that's that's when it
starts to cross the line into those
codependent relationships when we feel
responsible for how the other person's
feeling and we feel like we have to
manage that by managing ourselves and
doing whatever we can to keep the you
know to keep some peace in that in that
dynamic so that's what we want to really
make sure about
so good i mean already in the first 11
minutes of this class there was that was
about five things if y'all just take
y'all can leave right now take this long
you're good to go i will send you the
replay
here you mentioned ptsd and trauma and
i'm glad you did
because
when i think of relationships and i
think of trauma i think of the chicken
and the egg it did past trauma cause
somebody to seek out maybe
subconsciously unhealthy relationships
in a pattern
and then those unhealthy relationships
cause trauma which then
brings people back into this unhealthy
uh
dating game i guess
or is it well i got into a toxic
relationship i got into a relationship
that was abusive and traumatic and now
that is the trauma i'm carrying with me
from a relationship
so when i think about those things the
questions that come to my mind are
how do we identify
the trauma that's holding us back
and how do we know that we are dealing
or trying to move through our past
trauma as opposed to
the trauma happening in the relationship
yeah yeah um so that's that is a
brilliant question um and what i would
what i would share with you is this
each and every single one of us
has
an unhealed childhood room
right one maybe
an unhealed childhood wound and maybe
it's a big wound or maybe it's a small
wound this is not a comparison we've all
got that and
90 of the time that wound happened
before we finished school
and before we started doing the serious
things right the
the the young adult things and so
there's something there that drew you to
the relationship that would reinforce
some of those beliefs you had due to
that childhood that makes sense right
because the thing we're looking for
is we're all looking to get whole
and the reason we like who we like is
because we see something in them
that if i could have a piece of that too
i could feel more whole
right
kyle is an outgoing person i'm an
introvert i'm a wall you know i'm a wall
fly but if i could right if i could if i
could run with kyle then maybe i could
feel more whole because i wouldn't be so
standoffish right we're all and so we're
all seeking those things and the reason
we're seeking that wholeness is because
of there is some wound that we felt made
us deficient maybe we realize what it is
right off the bat maybe we don't some of
us
can point to a specific time in a
specific place and a specific thing and
person who hurt us oh wow yeah well that
that obviously has to be it but then for
some of us it's a little more subtle
right
like like myself one one of my wounds
one of my wounds was hey i grew up poor
and black in the south right and so it's
like
there's a worth there's a worth wound
there right who's who's going to listen
this little black kid who's right
that that kid's not important all those
those things out there aren't for you
that's for a different type of person
not somebody like you right so that so
that so that's a worth thing that's part
of my mountain to climb and so some
wounds are very very clear
and present and you can point to it a
specific place in time and some wounds
are a little more subtle and they
develop just through
the nuance of how you were brought up in
the environment that you brought up
you obviously work with couples all the
time what are some of the common nuanced
wounds that you see
uh people struggling with well the first
one is worth right
work
hundred percent first of all i'm not
good enough how i don't deserve that
yeah i mean
everybody thinks that yeah right we we
we've got this idea in our mind you ever
you ever i grew up watching bugs bunny
in road right
at the end of that series the road water
would coyote would chase the road
running up and down through the desert
all around blah blah and then one
cartoon he actually caught the road
runner
but it was a giant road runner and he
came up to the road runner's ankle
right and he held up a sign that said
now what
right so
so we are in relationships we do the
same thing we we have this ideal person
in our mind oh they're going to be
beautiful and they're going to be tall
dark and handsome but they're going to
be you know and they're going to be
charming and they're going to be smarter
and when we find that person shows up
we're like
no
yeah
because
on on us
do i really deserve that right is that
could could that could a person like
that
find me lovable
that's the question and so that's the
question you've got to spend time
answering in a very concrete way what
are those things about me that i think
are lovable and i tell folks i want you
to name 10 things i want you to write
them down not in your phone not on your
computer i want you to write down 10
things about yourself that you find
lovable and you can't mention how you
look or what you have
wow
wow right uh i mean that might take me
10 minutes
so you know a minute per quality
yeah yeah yeah but for some folks it may
take them a week right for some reason
right i i had a client she couldn't she
couldn't get past five
and it took us months to get there and
so it's it's it's it's those things
because the sooner you can more readily
identify those things the sooner you can
identify those yeses right there's a lot
of people in your life who are saying
yes to you but because we don't believe
we're worth it we don't see the yes no
question no question no question
okay but let's go back
i have this wound i'm even aware of it
okay let's say i'm aware of this wound
but i walk into a restaurant i meet this
person and man i'm swept off my feet i
am blinded by love and i think well yeah
i did have this wound and i know dr ish
said
i might be looking for someone to like
fix me or whatever but it feels like
this guy is gonna fix me
and it feels good and i'm just gonna go
into it
can i have this person
fix quote my wound
or do i have to say no you can't do that
i can still date you but i have to go
figure this out by myself and then how
do you even do that
great question uh first of all i see
somebody in the chat from brazil so let
me give a quick to the bank
what some of my best friends are in rio
right now love love that place oh nice
so the answer kyle is yes right you can
you can be right because if the answer
was no then none of us are going to be
in relationships because there's nobody
walking around there who's whole no
nobody
there's that just doesn't
and that's not the point right uh the
point is not perfection the point is not
to complete the thing right that the
whole goal of being human is to know
that it's never going to be complete
we're never going to be done
every whatever i do today i'm going to
wake up tomorrow and want to do more
whatever i have today i'm going to wake
up tomorrow and want to have more
whoever i am today i'm going to wake up
next week and i'm going to want to be
more and that is the whole point of the
human thing we're always getting ready
to be ready to be ready so 100
you can absolutely enjoy the wholeness
of that new relationship and how that
feels and allow them to love you right
and allow them to love up on you and
love all of it while you know on your
own hey
and so right it's not a it's not an
either or it's a yes and right it's not
either either i fix this thing on on me
and then or you know i can't move
forward and have it it's a yes
yes i need to i need to do this and that
person is really really cute and i'm
digging them and i'm gonna do that too
right so so don't cut yourself out of it
right there's nothing
that we have going on
that takes us out of that loop right
that we need to pull ourselves out of
the game unless there is a serious
hardcore trauma that you just and it
just keeps you stuck right in that
flight fighter freeze mode if that's the
thing where you got to pull back and
you've got to work on that 100 to move
forward so you can actually full be
present and enjoy what's happening but
other than that go for it but but just
the mere fact that you're aware
of that thing that makes you tick of the
way your body wobbles the mere fact that
you're aware of it means that you've got
a much less chance of it blindsiding you
some complimentary series to this live
class could be attachment theory
and
some series we have on trauma so if you
go to watch.medcircle.com or open your
med circle app you'll be able to access
those series if you are a ned circle
member or on your trial thanks for
watching check out the links below for
more information on how to access this
full series and subscribe to our youtube
channel to watch new mental health
videos every week did you like what you
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