Oh my God, I miss Texas so much!
I live in L.A. which is satanic.
It's not cool
it's sad, I love Texas,
people are so fucking friendly here,
it's my favorite place in the world.
It's like people just don't understand it.
Because like Texas is one of those places,
like I'm a fifth generation Texan, people,
thank you very much.
(cheers)
And it's hard because people don't get it,
it's like 'cause Texas has a bad rep,
I don't know if ya'll know this, but.
I grew up in Texas when George W. Bush
was Governor of Texas, right,
I'm a child left behind.
This is what it looks like.
Your tax dollars, your tax dollars, your tax dollars.
I grew up when George Bush was in charge of this shit.
Ya'll are lucky I can read.
I don't know if you know this
but Texas ranks 49th in education.
49th!
Ya'll there are 50 states in the Unites States of America.
And if you grew up in Texas,
you probably didn't learn that.
50 states, 49th.
We beat Mississippi.
Mississippi, you assholes.
That's like beating Stevie Wonder at Pictionary,
it's meaningless!
It means nothing!
People are like Texas has a bunch of guns.
I'm like yeah, but they also have a bunch of stupid people.
Which is worse? I don't know, I fucking love it here.
I miss it all the time.
I didn't get to come home for the holidays
because I couldn't afford it.
The last time I was in Texas
the only plane ticket my broke ass could afford
was on an airline called Sun Country Airlines.
Has anybody heard of this?
Not an airline.
It's not an airline.
It's just this dude, Steve.
With a plane.
This is not a joke.
We were on the ground, like ready for take off,
and the flight attendant comes up to the aisle
right in front of me, and she goes
I need everybody in this row to check under their seats
and make sure they have a flotation device.
And three people go uh, I don't!
And then we took off into the sky.
They're going to die.
Today.
Afraid to go to the bathroom because
I thought someone was going to steal my flotation device.
(laughter)
Walking down the aisle with it like tucked under my arm.
Hello, hello, hello.
Rough.
It's hard.
Because I live in Los Angeles
where I have no job.
It's very hard.
Because they ask for head shots for a job, people.
Do you know how hard it is to get a job
when you look like a Bee Gees tribute group?
It's hard, it is.
And the other thing,
'cause everyone in Los Angeles is stunning.
Everybody is gorgeous, right.
Everyone looks like a fucking movie star.
Ya'll, I was just having the hottest sex
with the hottest man I have ever had sex with.
(cheers)
Thank you, I earned it.
I earned it.
(cheers)
It's hard to get laid in L.A. when you look like
Janice the Muppet got fucked by a gelfling, okay.
(laughter)
If you laughed at that joke,
you are a fun nerd.
And if you didn't laugh at that joke,
you probably get laid a lot.
I don't know.
I was having the hottest sex with this man,
it was so hot,
and we took just a little break,
like a little breather, you know what I mean?
A little water break.
And that's when he pulled out his crack pipe.
Ya'll.
I had to kick a crackhead out
of my 400 square foot studio apartment.
I was like there's not enough room in here for crack!
Get out.
Did ya'll hear Mariah Carey's last album?
She's not doing well either.
(laughter)
It's been a rough year.
It's been a hard year.
He was so hot!
He was French!
French crackhead!
I know!
And like, ya'll I'm a sucker for an accent.
You could have the flu and I'd think you sound exotic.
He was like, do you want to smoke some crack? (accent)
What?
Didn't understand the question.
He was gorgeous!
Do you know how hard it is to kick a hot French guy
out of your house, a crackhead?
It's hard!
'Cause Los Angeles people are gorgeous
and it gets in your head out there, it just does.
I have started running.
Me.
It's not cute.
It looks like someone lit a cocker spaniel on fire.
(ack ack ack)
People are like what is it?
It's so bad.
And the other thing is why the fuck do I even want
to get in shape at all
'cause it's the fucking end of the world,
what does it matter?
You know, what the fuck does it look like,
it doesn't matter, it's just one of those things.
I'm sorry, I don't know if ya'll have ever read the news,
but it's the end of the world.
Have you ever read the news?
I did, and I'm never doing it again.
I opened it up, I went
(scream)
and I closed it.
Closed it.
I don't know if you know this,
but North Korea is just firing off missiles all the time.
Nobody's talking about it.
Nobody is.
We're in this proxy war with this country called Turkey
that doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving.
You get it.
And the Amazon forest is still on fire.
Now.
I know, ya'll, I had to learn a lot of geography this week
and I'm sick of it.
I'm over it.
Amazon forest is still on fucking fire.
How annoying is that story?
Thank you, next.
I can't take it.
Every time I hear it, right,
they're like we need the Amazon forest,
it's the lungs of the planet.
I'm like that is faggy and over dramatic.
And factually incorrect
because, ya'll, the lungs of the planet
were Whitney Houston.
(cheers)
Right?
And we fucked that up years ago.
Right?
If we couldn't save Nippy,
we can kiss those Amazonian trees goodbye.
I've seen Fern Gully, I know how this is going to end.
Bad.
Bad, bad, bad.
It is the end of the fucking world,
which is so sad.
It's one of the saddest things in the world,
because I was just starting to get laid.
Things were just starting to look up for me
and it's like it's fucking over.
The problem is, here's the problem
'cause I don't want to get political with you nice people
because it is the fucking end of the world.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm tired of being ruled by ugly people.
I don't talk about the President,
but I will call his kids fucking ugly all day long.
They're fucking ugly, right?
Tiffany Trump, have you see that bitch?
Are you kidding me?
Oh, what, we're not going to pretend
like the whole family looks microwaved, hello.
(laughter)
Tiffany Trump?
Have you ever left your popcorn in the microwave too long?
If that bitch's eyes were any further apart
they'd be close together.
(laughter, applause)
She makes Cameron Diaz look normal, okay.
Fucked up.
Here's the thing, 'cause I,
living in Los Angeles, you're like
every day is the end of the world out there,
you know what I mean?
It's just like everything in L.A. is like apocalyptic.
First of all I'm from Texas,
I'm used to the two things that can kill you are
tornadoes and homosexuality.
Those are valuable threats.
I'm not even used to earthquakes in Los Angeles yet.
We have earthquakes, and it's crazy!
Ya'll, I was fucking these two daddies,
it was Beverly Hills you motherfuckers, okay.
I was fucking these old daddies in Beverly Hills,
and they wanted to put me in a sex sling.
Me.
Beloved comedian Daniel Webb
in a sex sling
on the San Andreas Fault Line,
are you fucking kidding me?
Are we going to have an evacuation drill first?
I'm supposed to expect this guy to dismount,
unharness me, fix my hair,
and then get me to safety?
I didn't make him use a condom,
what the fuck am I asking for?
And with my luck I'd be harnessed into that shit,
getting it raw and good
when the big one hit, right?
They'd find my pasty ass body under the rubble.
My poor weeping mother,
at least he died doing what he loved.