- So I wanna thank "Bridgerton"
for making married sex hot again. (laughs)
Hello, Light Menders.
Okay, so I did, some time ago,
"A Therapist Reacts Raw to 'Bridgerton.'"
I'd never seen it.
They just pulled some clips, and I reacted to it,
and you all said, "Jono, you've got to watch 'Bridgerton.'"
So I did. Mended Light.
(upbeat jazz music)
All right, so let's talk about the love story
of Daphne and Simon.
There's actually a video that recaps their love,
and I'm going to watch it, and I'm gonna give you
my thoughts on their relationship, healthy versus unhealthy,
and if you haven't watched "Bridgerton,"
it's, like, Regency-era England
in a fictional universe
where the white King of England marries a Black woman
and thereby kind of eradicates racial tensions
throughout the kingdom and brings peace and prosperity,
you know, interracially, so.
But other than that, it's very much Regency era:
very prim, very proper, very wait for marriage for sex,
or if you're having sex before marriage,
it's all very hush-hush or very scandalous,
and here's Daphne and Simon, and he wants to be left alone
because all the moms in town want him
to marry their daughters, and he doesn't want to marry
because he promised his father, his abusive father,
that the line would end with him, that he would not have
any children just to spite his father
because his father only valued him
because he was a male heir,
and his father treated him terribly
for his flaws and his stuttering and his imperfections.
Meanwhile, Daphne is also looking to get people
off of her back about getting married.
It's more complicated than that, if you've seen the show,
but I'm simplifying, but here we go.
(keyboard clicking) (upbeat chamber music)
- I suppose if someone were to find me here,
it would be one way out of marrying him.
- Oh, you cannot possibly be thinking of marrying him.
- If I am unable to secure another offer,
there may be no alternative.
Unlike you, I cannot simply declare,
"I do not wish to marry."
I do not have such a privilege.
(dramatic music) (footsteps shuffling)
- Right, 'cause you gotta get married
so someone can take care of you
because that's. - Do you intend to form
an attachment? - The era.
- With you on my arm, the world will believe
I have finally found my Duchess.
(dramatic music)
If this is to work, we must appear madly in love.
- It is an absurd plan.
- But I find it quite brilliant,
provided you do not wish to marry me,
and I do not wish to marry you.
Whatever should you have to lose?
- [Daphne] Is it awful that I'm enjoying it?
- My wild jealousy?
- Fooling Lady Whistledown.
She knows everything about everyone, even the Queen,
and yet, we have her utterly convinced
that we are mad for each other.
- We are- - Lady Whistledown
is a gossip columnist. - Indeed we are.
- In that era, which sounds like, "Okay, big whoop,"
but when reputation was everything to everybody,
and scandal, people thrive on it,
and tearing each other down so they can build each other up,
Lady Whistledown had incredible power in the kingdom
as a gossip columnist,
and they're doing this in part to,
they're pretending to be in love
and pretending to be engaged to fool her, and here we go.
- We are, always. (guests gasping)
(guests murmuring) (fingers sliding)
(footsteps tapping) What happens between.
- But there's undeniable attraction.
- Well, it is a natural continuation
of what happens at night. - Now, I can't relate.
I've never faked being in love
with somebody before. - When you are alone.
- When I am sleeping? - But I do know.
- When you touch yourself. - The idea of.
(birds chirping) (dramatic music)
- When you are alone. - Of feeling drawn
to somebody irresistibly
that you never expected. - You can touch yourself.
- To be drawn to or plan to be drawn to.
- Anywhere on your body, anywhere that gives you pleasure.
- Pheromones are powerful stuff, folks.
- But especially between your legs.
Your brother was correct.
I am and always will be a rake,
so before I corrupt you. - A rake is a scoundrel,
and he's saying, "Stay away from me.
I'm bad news."
And she's like, "I'll decide what I want myself."
- Of my own propriety.
I thought you and I were friends.
- We were never friends.
- But he has embarrassed and humiliated her,
and she's storming off, but this is, like, the lover's lane.
If you're here, it's illicit,
because people go here to hook up.
- Stop walking! - You cannot tell me
what to do. - Stop following.
- And they don't wanna be caught here
because it looks really bad. - Do not say that.
I forbid you to go any further.
- You cannot tell me what to do.
(footsteps shuffling) - Daphne.
- She's a virgin.
- (grunts) Listen! - He's not
'cause he's a scoundrel.
(suspenseful music) (Simon breathing heavily)
Hey, Light Menders.
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the expectations of others, and your responsibilities.
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or your family working the way you want,
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They've got this chemistry. (Simon inhaling)
(dramatic music)
(lips smacking) (Daphne gasping)
- My most sincere apologies.
(Daphne gasping) - But she wants him so bad.
(dramatic music)
Of course she does, 'cause he's gonna be the new James Bond.
I'm calling it. I need this.
(dramatic music)
So then, they're gonna get hot and heavy because Netflix.
(dramatic music)
And her brother's gonna come catch them,
but this is all new for her.
(Daphne gasping) And her brother's
gonna insist, "You have to marry her now.
Otherwise, you'll tarnish her good name."
(dramatic music) (lips smacking)
Because that was, you know,
and like in certain cultures today,
if you're hooking up, (Anthony grunting)
(Daphne shrieking) you gotta marry.
(Anthony grunting) (dramatic music)
(Daphne gasping) - You bastard!
(fist smacking) - Anthony!
(fist smacking) (Daphne gasping)
(Anthony breathing heavily) (clothes rustling)
- You will marry her.
We can only hope that no one saw you take such liberties
and that my sister is saved further mortification.
You will marry her! - Brother!
- (breathes heavily) I cannot marry her.
- What more reason could you have to condemn me
to shame and reproach?
Do you truly, do you truly hold me in such low regard?
- It is because I regard you so highly
that I cannot marry you.
- She doesn't know much about sex
or how things work, but he's convinced her
that he is unable to have children.
- It is your dream to be a mother, is it not?
To have a household full of love and laughter?
- Deserve to have a family. - Like the one you have known
all your life. - Full of love and laughter
like the family you were raised in.
- You deserve nothing less.
You deserve everything your heart desires.
- He's being honest,
but he's also lying. - But I cannot provide
it for you. - Because he
actually can sire children.
- How could I ever ask - He just
doesn't want to. - such a sacrifice?
- He hates himself. - Let's leave
before someone should find us. - And he believes
he'd be a terrible husband and a terrible father.
He doesn't wanna be
like his dad; maybe some - There will be
no need to resume. - of you can relate.
"I don't wanna be like my parents."
- The Duke and I are to be married.
- But through plot machinations, I mean, she said.
Not plot machinations, she says, "We're gonna get married."
And she holds him to his word, so they get married,
but he wants her.
Oh, so I think we're gonna skip this too.
(giggles) It's not too hot and heavy.
We're gonna skip from 5:15 to.
(relaxed music) (Daphne gasping)
5:50. (grunt) Okay, so they marry.
He does want her, and he does love her,
at least, in the sense of attachment or attraction,
but here's the thing: real love isn't just attachment
or attraction or affection. - I would. Simon.
- It's honesty. - Do you want me to stop?
(lips smacking) - And he's thrilled
that she's happy just with him, 'cause.
- Do you want me to stop?
- She thinks they can't have kids.
Then she discovers, oh no, he's just been (clears throat)
pulling out to keep her from getting pregnant.
(lips smacking) (dramatic music)
- It thrills me that you are satisfied
with our married life as it is, just the two of us.
- I have all that I want just here.
- How did I earn such luck?
- That, I do not know.
(dramatic music) (lips smacking)
I trusted you more than anyone in this world,
and you took advantage.
You seized an opportunity, and so I did the very same.
- I told you I cannot give you children.
- Cannot? You were adamant. (keyboard clicking)
- So she climbs on top and keeps him from pulling out,
and then he's freaking out because he's like,
"You could get pregnant."
And she's like, "Aha!
I thought you said we couldn't have kids!"
And she knew.
And so some people will say, "Was that wrong of her?"
Here's the thing: yes.
I mean, a lot of people will say in the comments,
like, "This is a form of sexual assault,
like, against his will."
You know, "He said no," and this and that,
and that's true, 100% true.
In the context of the show, like,
it's not a justified action,
and the show doesn't say she's right.
The show just says she made this choice.
And we make choices out of fear,
out of hurt, out of anger, out of pain,
and the choices hurt other people, and those choices aren't,
and we're not saying they're right.
I'm just saying we're human.
And I'm not trying to justify.
I'm saying that how do we reconcile?
How they reconcile is by seeing each other's humanity.
How do they reconcile?
She realizes that he lied out of fear
'cause he didn't wanna be getting married or have kids
'cause he didn't wanna become a terrible husband and father
like his father.
He lied 'cause he believed that he couldn't provide
real love for somebody else.
He didn't think, he just saw himself.
The reason he was a rake, a scoundrel,
the reason for that is because in his eyes,
that's all he was ever gonna be.
He didn't believe he could be more.
He thought he was a loser.
And when she sees that, even though his lies and deception
aren't justified, it helps her to forgive.
And in his case, he doesn't justify
and say it was okay what she did,
but he recognizes the place of pain that it came from,
and that allows him to forgive her, to heal,
and to move forward, which we'll get to in a second.
(keyboard clicking) - That was all I ever wanted.
Tell me why you are so adamant.
- Because I swore a long time ago
that I would never sire a child.
- I do not understand. (sighs)
- My father cared more
about the continuation of the Hastings line
than anything in the world.
More than my mother. More than me.
And so I made a vow that his efforts would be in vain,
that the line would die with me.
- I presume your plans to separate from Her Grace
have not been changed? - And she says, "You hate
your father more than you love me."
And he's like, "Ooh, ouch." - They have not.
- So he's gonna separate from Daphne,
even though they're married.
- It will cost you everything and leave you with nothing.
(rain spattering)
- I know why you made that vow to your father.
(rain spattering)
I found the letters you wrote to him as a child,
and I read them.
(rain spattering) - Daphne.
- Just because something is not perfect,
does not make it any less worthy of love.
(rain spattering) (gentle music)
Your father made you believe otherwise.
He made you believe that you needed to be without fault
in order to be loved, but he was wrong.
Should you need any proof of the matter,
then, then look just here. (rain spattering)
I'm tired of pretending,
and I cannot continue acting as if I,
as if I do not love you, because I do.
(rain spattering) (gentle music)
I love all of you, even the parts
that you believe are too dark and too shameful.
Every scar, every flaw, every imperfection.
I love you.
(gentle music) (rain spattering)
You may think you are too damaged and too broken
to ever allow yourself to be happy,
but you can choose differently, Simon.
(rain spattering) (gentle music)
You can choose to love me as much as I love you.
(gentle music) (rain spattering)
That should not be up to anyone else.
That cannot be up to anyone else.
(gentle music) (rain spattering)
It can only be up to you.
(gentle music) (rain spattering)
- Right, I do not want to be alone.
I know that now.
- One of the all-time great speeches
in any medium right there, and that's what love is.
We often confuse attraction for love,
or affection for love, or attachment for love,
but what makes love love is the total acceptance
of another person.
That's not to say that if there are behaviors
that are hurtful that we don't change them
and evolve and grow to meet our partner's needs.
I'm not saying we just accept each other as we are,
and there's no growth.
What it is, though, (clears throat)
what I am saying is that if you love somebody,
you see where they are in their journey
and say, "I love and accept you as you are now,
and I support you in becoming who you will become,
but you don't have to wait to work all your kinks out
for me to love and accept you."
And that's what she offers him,
and he's never had it before, and it's liberating,
the type of thing that we can give other people,
that we see them, and we love them, and we accept them,
and then when they change, it's not out of fear.
It's not out of duty.
It's just out of love.
(rain spattering) (gentle music)
- Right, I do not want to be alone.
I know that now.
(bird chirping)
But what I do not know is how to be the man
you need me to be, (birds chirping)
the man you truly deserve.
I, I do not know how to do this.
- You stay. (clothes rustling)
You stay, and we get through this together.
If we do this, then-
- Then nothing else will matter.
(birds chirping)
- So I wanna thank "Bridgerton"
for making married sex hot again. (laughs)
So often, in TV shows, like, once you're married,
the fire goes out, right, but that's not true to real life
or to happy, healthy marriage.
I mean, the healthy, committed relationship people
tend to have statistically the most satisfying sex
when they're in a healthy, committed relationship
with somebody because they feel safe.
They feel seen. They feel known, right.
And they feel cherished,
and "Bridgerton" gave us that, so thank you.
I think that is healthy, and it's beautiful.
We all deserve love by virtue of being human,
and we can all give that to each other.
It doesn't have to be romantic,
but we can give each other love and acceptance.
It's true, if there are behaviors that are hurtful,
we may say, "I can't have you in my life
'cause I have to love myself as well and keep myself safe,"
but people change more when they're loved
than when they're judged and when they're shamed.
They change more because they want to,
because someone believes in them,
than when they're guilted or when they're afraid.
Daphne and Simon, beautiful love story.
I'm a fan of "Bridgerton."
I think it's awesome, (hands clapping)
and I wanna thank you all for joining me today.
What has helped you to give and show real love
to the people in your life?
Who has given you true acceptance and truly seen you?
Have you ever had that?
Let us know in the comments below.
If you want to learn more about what unconditional love
looks like, Alicia and I cover the book
"Real Love and Post-Childhood Stress Disorder"
as part of our monthly book club in our membership,
in our Mended Light membership.
There's also online courses, video courses,
and monthly live Q&As there, and so you can check that out.
There's a link in the comments below.
If you need support in your life,
go to MendedLight.com, and meet with a member of our team.
Now, I was talking about healthy married sex
or healthy committed sex.
At the same time, sex doesn't fix everything,
as you'll see in this video.
"Sex fixes everything," they said,
where we challenge that notion.
Check out this video, and we'll see you next time, folks.
Thanks for joining.
(upbeat jazz music)