FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE WITH MY PANTS ROLLED
UP, STOMPING THE BIGGEST NEWS GRAPES INTO THE VELVETY CABERNET
SAUVIGNON THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO TROMP DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, MIX SOME
GRAIN ALCOHOL WITH WATER AND JUNIPER BERRIES, STIR IT ALL
TOGETHER WITH AN OLD BROOM HANDLE, LET HER SIT FOR LIKE
THREE DAYS, THEN SERVE YOU THE BATHTUB GIN OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT -- >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S GOOD FOR WHAT
AILS YOU.
IT WILL CURE YOU.
MEANWHILE, MCDONALD'S PORTUGAL HAS PULLED AN AD WHICH USES THE
WORDS "SUNDAE BLOODY SUNDAE" TO PROMOTE A HALLOWEEN DESSERT.
"BLOODY SUNDAY," OF COURSE, REFERS TO A DAY IN THE 1970S ON
WHICH BRITISH SOLDIERS KILLED 14 UNARMED IRISH PROTESTORS
DURING "THE TROUBLES."
YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM.
( LAUGHTER ) ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN RUBY
TUESDAYS HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR THEIR HAPPY HOUR: "TRAIL OF
BEERS!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
AND FOR DESSERT, TIANANMEN LEMON SQUARES!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SEE, PEOPLE, THE PERSON YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT TO IS McDONALD'S BECAUSE THEY
STARTED THIS THING.
I'M JUST DOING JOKES OFF SOMETHING THEY DID AND I --
MEANWHILE -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- HUNDREDS OF NEW EMOJIS HAVE JUST
BEEN RELEASED BY THE GOVERNING BODY OF EMOJIS
THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.
SORRY, I SAID THAT INCORRECTLY.
IT'S ACTUALLY PRONOUNCED...
(DEEP VOICE EFFECT) "THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM.
THERE IS ONLY ONE CODE.
THE UNICODE.
AND YOU WILL ADHERE TO THE CODE.
HAVE FUN."
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW EMOJIS ARE FOCUSED ON
DIVERSITY, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THEY'VE ADDED GENDER
NEUTRAL EMOJIS.
WHICH WILL MAKE IT WAY EASIER TO TEXT SOMEONE PHRASES LIKE "MY
GRANDPA IS DEEPLY CONFUSED BY THE NEW GENDER NEUTRAL EMOJIS."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS GREAT, BUT I JUST WANT
TO GO ON RECORD TO SAY, ALL EMOJIS ARE GENDER
NEUTRAL.
THEY DON'T SHOW ANY OF THE BITS AND PIECES.
EXCEPT THIS ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN A MAJOR SHAKEUP
FOR COLLEGE SPORTS, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, "THE N.C.A.A.
WILL PERMIT ATHLETES TO BE COMPENSATED FOR THEIR NAMES,
IMAGES AND LIKENESSES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
HELL, YES!
>> Jon: ABOUT TIME.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR EVERYONE
EXCEPT DUKE'S STARTING POINT GUARD, ANONYMOUS Q. PIXEL-FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN MARITIME NEWS, A
"WOMAN WHO STOOD ON A SHIP'S RAILING FOR A SELFIE WAS BARRED
FOR LIFE FROM A CRUISE LINE."
DO YOU KNOW HOW OUT OF CONTROL YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET BANNED
FROM A CRUISE?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S A VACATION FOR PEOPLE WHO
ARE ALREADY ON THE NO-FLY LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVERYONE OUGHT TO KNOW
BETTER BY NOW ANYWAY.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME A CRUISE PASSENGER HAS GOTTEN
DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE RAILS.
JIM?
>> EXCUSE ME!
PLEASE STEP BACK FROM THE RAILING.
>> I'M FLYING!
>> GUYS?
I'M SERIOUS.
OKAY, THAT'S IT!
THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST TRIP ON THE "TITANIC."
YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY SORRY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MEANWHILE -- IT
WAS A LONG TIME AGO!
>> Jon: IT WAS.
>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE, "AMERICA'S PILE OF UNEATEN BACON
IS THE BIGGEST IN 48 YEARS."
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
AMERICA'S FAVORITE FOOD IS "PILE."
( LAUGHTER ) TELL YOU WHAT.
JUST FRY IT ALL UP.
SOMEBODY WILL EAT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NANCY PELOSI.