OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, OKAY, GUYS.
I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN.
IT'S TIME FOR US TO GET A LITTLE BIT MORE SERIOUS.
SYRIA.
NOW, THE WHOLE ISSUE OF WHETHER OR NOT TO LET SYRIAN REFUGEES
INTO THE UNITED STATES IS A BALANCING ACT BETWEEN MORAL
RESPONSIBILITY AND THE RISK OF INCREASED THREATS.
IT'S HARD TO GET A HANDLE ON THE WHOLE SITUATION.
AND LUCKILY, REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MIKE
HUCKABEE HAS BEEN TRYING HIS BEST TO EXPLAIN THIS ISSUE IN A
WAY THAT EVERYONE CAN UNDERSTAND.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE COMING HERE
FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
THERE'S NO WAY TO CHECK THEM.
LET ME ASK THIS-- IF YOU BOUGHT A FIVE-POUND BAG OF PEANUTS AND
YOU KNEW IN THE FIVE-POUND BAG OF PEANUTS THERE WERE ABOUT 10
PEANUTS THAT WERE DEADLY POISONOUS, WOULD YOU FEED THEM
TO YOUR KID?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Trevor: WELL, IT DEPENDS-- HOW ( BLEEP ) ARE YOUR KIDS?
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
BECAUSE IF THEY'RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO COMPARE SUFFERING
REFUGEES TO TAINTED PEANUTS, THEN MAYBE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I UNDERSTAND YOUR POSITION IS THAT THE POSSIBILITY OF A FEW
DANGEROUS REFUGEES MEANS THAT WE SHOULDN'T ADMIT ANY OF THEM IN.
BUT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU COULD TRY EXPRESSING THAT THOUGHT IN A
LESS-CALLOUS WAY.
>> DOES IT MAKE ANY SENSE THAT WE WOULD SAY, "WELL, WE'RE GOING
TO BRING IN TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE.
WHEN CHIPOTLE HAD AN OUTBREAK OF E. COLI JUST RECENTLY, WHAT DID
THEY DO?
THEY CLOSED ALL THE CHIPOTLE RESTAURANTS.
I MEAN, HOW MANY GALLONS OF TAINTED MILK DO WE TOLERATE
BEFORE WE SAY, "TAKE IT OFF THE SHELVES IN?
>> Trevor: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GO BACK TO PEANUTS.
THAT WAS BETTER.
CLEARLY, MIKE HUCKABEE DOESN'T WANT SYRIAN REFUGEES COMING TO
AMERICA, BUT AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HE NEEDS A PLAN FOR
THE MIDDLE EAST UNLESS HE WAS GOING TO ABANDON THE REGION.
>> I DON'T THINK WE CAN ABANDON THE REGION FOR THE SIMPLE REASON
IT DOESN'T GET BETTER WITH AGE.
THIS ISN'T CHEESE.
THIS ISN'T BEEF.
IT'S NOT WINE.
THIS IS TERRORISM.
>> Trevor: THAT IS THE WORST END TO A TASTE TEST EVER.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS NOT CHEESE.
THIS IS NOT BEEF.
IT'S NOT WINE.
IT'S TERRORISM!
AAHHH!
AAAHHH!
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, IS IT JUST ME OR IS MIKE HUCKABEE ALWAYS BRINGING
EVERYTHING BACK TO FOOD?
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE SYRIANS.
HE'S COMPARED THEM TO PEANUTS, CHIPOTLE, MILK, CHEESE, BEEF,
AND WINE.
AND THAT'S JUST THE APPETIZER.
ONCE YOU NOTICE IT, YOU START TO SEE IT EVERYWHERE.
WHATEVER THE TOPIC IS, MIKE HUCKABEE ALWAYS BRINGS UP FOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, SOCIAL SECURITY.
>> THEY'RE ALWAYS GOING TO SAY WE'RE GOING TO FIX THIS ONE DAY.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
IT'S LIKE A 400-POUND MAN SAYING I'M GOING TO GO ON A DIET BUT
I'M EATING A SACK OF KRISPY KREME BEFORE I DO.
>> Trevor: A SACK OF KRISPY KREMES?
IS THAT EVEN AWE THING.
I'M JUST PICTURING HUCKABEE STANDING THERE, "I'D LIKE A
SMALL COFFEE AND ONE SASK KRISPY KREMES."
"SORRY, SIR, WE DON'T SELL THEM BY SACKS."
"IT'S OKAY, I BROUGHT MY OWN."
HOW ABOUT THE CROWDED FIELD OF G.O.P. CANDIDATES?
>> REPUBLICANS HAVE A WHOLE BUFFET.
I MEAN, WE ARE THE GOLDEN CORAL CORCORRAL OF POLITICS.
>> Trevor: REPUBLICANS ARE THE GOLDEN CORRAL BUFFET.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE, IT'S ALL GOING TO MAKE YOU SICK?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT ABOUT N.S.A. SURVEILLANCE?
>> THE N.S.A. IS COLLECTING ENORMOUS AMOUNTS OF METADATA ON
ALL OF US.
THEY CAN KNOW WHO I TALKED TO LAST THURSDAY WHEN I ORDERED
PIZZA AND WHAT I WANTED ON IT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Trevor: NOW-- WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING ON YOUR PIZZA THAT
YOU DON'T WANT THE N.S.A. TO KNOW ABOUT?
"HI, I CAN HAVE AN EXTRA LARGE PIZZA WITH WOMEN'S PANTIES ON
TOP?
ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY, CAN YOU HIDE THE PANTIES IN THE CHEESE?
THAT WAY I HAVE TO FIND THEM."
(LAUGHTER )
REALLY, ONCE YOU LOOK AT IT, MIKE HUCKABEE'S ENTIRE TAKE ON
POLITICS IS FOOD BASED.
>> POLITICS IS LIKE OPENING A BASKIN ROBBINS STORE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SHOULD SAUSAGE, YOU HAVE TO KILL SOME
PIGS.
I WISH I COULD HAVE HAD SOME MEAT I COULD PUT IN THE MEAT
LOCKER.
WE BETTER WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FALAFEL.
WE'RE TALKING CHICK AND EGG HERE.
BACON-WRAPPED SHRIMP.
THE POPEYES' CHICKEN IN TERMINAL "B."
I CUT MYSELF MAKING SALADS.
PRESIDENT OBAMA GOT ROLLED LIKE A CALIFORNIA SUSHI.
>> Trevor: THAT IS SO MANY FOOL OF FOOD METAPHORS, IT'S TOO
MUCH.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A SACK OF IMODIUM?