no I guess I should start by telling you
a little bit about who Laura is well
she's a very passionate person and she
loves science very much and loves to
talk about it all the time
much to her friends dismay and she's
also a sailor and she used to be the
registrar of the UBC sailing club though
other things she's she's a daughter
she's a sister to three big brothers
she's also an auntie to the cutest
little niece ever and she's bipolar
bipolar is a brain disorder which causes
unusual shifts in a person's mood energy
or ability to function it's unlike the
normal ups and downs that people go
through the symptoms of bipolar are more
severe in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual for mental disorders it describes
it in this way bipolar is the presence
or history of one or more major
depressive episodes present during the
same two-week period and represent a
change from previous functioning at
least one of the symptoms is either
depressed mood or loss of interest or
pleasure these symptoms can be depressed
mood most of the day nearly every day
markedly diminished interest or pleasure
and all or almost all activities
significant weight loss or weight gain
or decrease or increase in appetite
insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
psychomotor agitation or retardation
nearly every day fatigue or loss of
energy nearly every day feelings of
worthlessness or excessive or any
appropriate guilt nearly every day
diminished ability to think or
concentrate or indecisiveness recurrent
thoughts of death not just fear
dine or suicide attempt or a specific
plan for committing suicide there is
also the presence or history of at least
one manic episode mania is a distinct
period of abnormally and persistently
elevated expansive or irritable mood and
abnormally and persistently increased
activity or energy lasting at least four
consecutive days and present most of the
day nearly every day we described as
inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
decreased need for sleep more talkative
than usual or pressure to keep talking
there can be flights of ideas or
subjective experience that thoughts are
racing there's distractibility increase
in goal-directed activity or psychomotor
agitation there is excessive involvement
in pleasurable activities that have a
high potential for painful consequences
the DSN provides a common language among
professionals who treat patients with
mental illnesses by clearly defining the
criteria for a mental disorder
the DSM is ensures that the diagnosis is
both accurate and consistent camon hasta
is I'm going to be real with
you it's pretty obvious that I'm the
crazy one here my name is Laura and I am
living with bipolar so I want to offer
you today a bit of my story I want to go
beyond the traditional definitions and
give you the more of the lived
experience now I must admit sometimes it
can be frustrating to explain bipolar to
those who are not experienced in the
same mental skill Ness as I have but I'm
in a try so
I also want to talk about language and
it's interesting because before I was
ever diagnosed I had never read the DSM
I had no idea what criteria I was
falling under all I knew is that there
were times where I'm sad
there were times where I was happy and
the times where I was sad or in
depression it was kind of like this
winter state it was like things were
darker colder and times of mania are
more like summer there's high energy
things are right fine so I was about 16
when I first began to experience the
inexplicable periods of sadness there
were no external reasons for me to feel
this way my mind simply placed me there
in this depressed winter state it wasn't
until later on that I began to realize
the manic summers which were interesting
and so what I decided to do is I started
to track my moods on a calendar each day
depending on Phi was feeling if I had
higher energy or lower energy I would
place an arrow on that day I started to
notice that they would be persistent
upward arrows indicating higher energy
for about two weeks and then there would
be a shift into downward arrows which
would last for another two weeks this
was confusing for me and it was
unsettling for my mind especially in the
transition days going from high to low I
felt out of control these cycles that I
was tossed into it's scary and I needed
some relief
this is when I sought out a counselor at
Langara College in weekly cognitive
therapy sessions I was able to work
through some of these ups and downs and
highs and lows and whatever was going on
and I learned some really helpful tools
for how to find balance as a scientist I
find it very difficult to look at myself
and not apply a formula if I do this
this and this then I'll be happy if I do
this this and this then I don't have to
be sad anymore but you know I learned
that wellness is more like art and you
have to be able to see the gray and
there's not always a right answer but
I'm going to read to you a bit from my
journal because after I saw a counselor
for a while I also realized that
medication could be a helpful tool for
me and so I went to see a psychiatrist
and and it was kind of scary you know
sitting there wondering okay am I going
to come out with a Laura flash bipolar
Laura / crazy person I don't know but it
wasn't totally that way
so I started psychiatrist dadadada and
then I went for my second psychiatric
assessment at UBC a second opinion an
hour bike ride an hour wait and over an
hour talking about my moods and family
history it turns out that I am indeed
bipolar type 2 rapid cycling but
whatever I'm feeling much more
comfortable with my mental things taking
meds seems less scary and more just
something extra to you in my morning
routine
I'm still quite private though and I
don't feel comfortable sharing about my
psychiatric appointments my illness or
medication it's still new and it can be
overwhelming at times I'm working things
through and I think it's going to be
okay well is some time to think about it
on my bike ride home so what's it like
to be mad well it's kind of like wearing
really gorgeous heels like this and you
just walk around and you feel taller
there's our confidence the there's a
direction to it just things are clear
and easy there are thoughts and ideas
that just come so naturally ideas and
fishin's hopes anything is possible the
world is limitless the trouble comes is
when these thoughts don't stop when it
goes beyond control when you can't will
yourself to sleep because you can't stop
thinking of the creative project that
you want to do tomorrow or the next trip
you want to go on or your new life plan
so I have another journal really to
share with you all my secret this one I
titled zopiclone also known as little
blue pills my mental state hypomanic
bipolar season summer I didn't fall
asleep until 4:00 a.m. too many thoughts
too many ideas too much happening in my
head after three and a half hours of
willing myself to sleep I made the
healthy move and I took one of these
little blue pills a metallic taste
lingers in my mouth it feels
disheartening every time I have to take
one but I guess it's
okay even though I may have the tools I
sometimes lack the connection in the end
I was glad for my humility sleep this
guy I find that the struggle is
harnessing this energy for school
purposes and holding off on my social
and creative ambitions then there's the
other side of things the depression side
well the pressure is more like slippers
not the comfy cozy kind of slipper
feeling it's more of the need to feel
safe and secure that outside of these
slippers it's just not right and it's
kind of awkward walking around in
slippers giving a talk in front of 400
people being depressed amongst
classmates and family and friends and
roommates
and with depression there's also comes
these kind of winter glasses where
things just seem darker it's out of
focus the lenses are distorted and it's
difficult to see farther ahead so
bipolar is kind of like wearing the
depressed slipper on one foot and a
hypomanic heel on the other this is such
a contrast you know on one foot you're
walking around just up on an adventure
ready to go and see the world and then
you fall down and just can barely get
out of bed and just drag along but you
know I live like this somehow each day I
live like this
and it's funny because when I first
applied for the Terry talk
I was definitely wearing the matic heel
and
and then and then they accepted me and
so so then and then a week or so later I
became depressed and I thought is
standing here today in front of all of
you in my slippers this is impossible
so how does this fit in relationships as
I said before sometimes it can be
frustrating to try to explain my moods
to those who not who haven't experienced
this who aren't mentally skilled and and
yet I really do want to try I really do
want to start talking about these things
because even in just the title of this
talk you wouldn't believe how many
conversations have been started which
never would have happened and that's a
beautiful thing because when we start
talking about this stuff it becomes ok
so as I walk around campus I'm a biology
student my fifth year
I'm just savoring the last little bit
that I've got and I have classes over in
Buchanan and in forestry and other all
over campus and so I see the slogan that
is everywhere which says that UBC is a
place of mind so it causes me to
question what kind of mind is this is it
an open mind
is it a healthy mind is this a place
where my mentally ill mind can be i
wonder after this are you going to call
me Laura or are you going to call me
bipolar tell me is this okay or do I
have to hide thank you
you