Hey, here's something I don't think a parent has ever said.
"The kids are upstairs playing with all their old Happy Meal toys."
I don't think a McDonald's Happy Meal toy
has ever made it to sundown.
Usually they break as you're taking them out of the cellophane.
"What is this? It's broken. Toss it into the trash receptacle."
Even if you get it to work, you never wanna do it
more than once.
"So what happens? You push this button.
It shoots out four inches?
Throw it in the trash.
Somebody shut that toy factory down."
I love being a daddy.
I like taking my kids to Disneyland.
I love Disneyland.
The only thing I don't like about Disneyland is the other people.
Have you seen them there?
What the hell are they doing there?
Twice while we were in line for a ride,
the family that was behind us just got in front of us.
The first time, I didn't even know what to do.
I’m like, "Clearly, I don't have all the information here.
They were behind us, and now they're in front of us,
and how come I'm not saying something?"
So, the next line for the next ride I was on red alert.
"Spread out, kids.
Swing your hips.
Swing them. Swing them rope to rope.
You have to be careful at the switchback.
Hug the post. Hug the post! Hug the post!"
‘Cause if you don't hug the post, some worm family:
Worm people are on the planet
It happened anyway.
I'm doing our best to protect our place in line.
First it was the little kids in the family behind us. They just--
They just got up in front of my kids.
So, my heart starts going--
I look back thinking one of their parents will say,
"No, we're behind this family and have been for a half hour."
That's what I was thinking should happen.
But instead, the mom came up and said,
"What are you kids doing up here?"
"What are you doing up here?"
I looked back at the dad. Maybe he's the voice of reason.
He just squeezes up the other side,
and he says, "Well, I guess we're up here now."
That's what you guess?
That's the guess you take under the circumstances?
So this time, I had to say something.
I'm like, "Listen. We're behind this guy that's in front of you.
It's been a half an hour.
It's kind of hard not to know our place.
The guy's got like a red Mohawk,
and Backgammon pieces in his ear lobes.
It's been him and then us for a half an hour,
and now you guys are betwixt us."
And the dad goes, "Okay. Go ahead,
if it's that big a deal to you."
"It is.
It's that big a deal to me.
I want my family flying around on elephants before your family.
It might sound absurd to you,
but I like the way it makes me feel inside."
Play me as the jerk.
I wish I had handled it differently.
I wish right when he would have stepped in front of me,
that I would have just reached into
the pockets of his cargo shorts
and just pulled out his belongings
and just hurled them.
Just as far as I could humanly hurl.
And then just grabbed her purse and just whipped it
into some distant flowerbed
watching Disney receipts slowly descend back down to Earth.
And then when they looked at me weird, I'd go,
"Oh, I thought you wanted complete anarchy.
Yeah. When you just step right in front of us
in a clearly roped-off line,
I thought that was a signal all semblance
of right and wrong was out the window."