(pencil scratches paper)
- I'm Mike Dempsy, the messed-up mind behind
South Florida's most frightening haunted house,
Murder Mansion. (girl shrieks)
We've got over 50 actors, high-tech effects,
and seriously gruesome scares that The Florida Sun called
"30,000 square feet of pure fear." (actor growls)
Who cares if it's not Halloween?
With my new haunted house,
you can get your fright fix all year long.
- (emotionless) Come out, come out to Murder Mansion.
I just want to play,
even if it's January.
- Murder Mansion... if you dare.
-(announcer) Murder Mansion: located on Route 10 next to Denny's.
- I'm Mike Dempsy, the messed-up mind behind Murder Mansion.
Guess what.
Turns out people don't want to go to a haunted house
when it's not Halloween. So I turned Murder Mansion
into POTUS Palace,
South Florida's most American Presidents' Day house.
- Hail to the chief.
- We've got over 50 actors
playing all of your favorite presidents:
Reagan, JFK, even...
Chester Arthur.
There's over 30,000 square feet
of authentic historical reenactments
The Florida Sun called "educational."
- No one knew it at the time,
but I was in a wheelchair with polio.
- Come out, come out to POTUS Palace.
Happy birthday, Mr. President.
- POTUS Palace.
This Presidents' Day, free the slaves with Honest Abe.
- I do not think much of a man
who thinks he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
- (announcer) POTUS Palace:
located on Route 10 next to a 24-hour breakfast joint.
Denny's didn't want us using their name.
- I'm Mike Dempsy, and it turns out not only do people
not want to go a haunted house when it's not Halloween;
they never want to go to a Presidents' Day house.
So now I'm in massive debt. (breathes anxiously)
So what I did was I turned POTUS Palace into Dad's Domain,
South Florida's most patriotical Father's Day house.
We've got over 50 actors playing all kinds of fathers:
goofy dad, libertarian dad, skeleton dad,
even my dad. - Hi, Mike.
You're still sinking all of your savings into this money pit?
- The Florida Sun called it,
(disheartened) "Why does this exist?"
(football crowd cheers, whistle blows)
- Come out, come out to Dad's Domain.
I just want to play...
catch with my dad.
- So come on down to Dad's Domain, where the f--
(lawnmower rattles, eagle cries) Oh!
- (announcer) Dad's Domain: located on Route 10,
next to a restaurant that rhymes with Benny's.
- (chuckles maniacally)
Oh, I'm Mike Tempsy, and it turns out
Dad's Domain wasn't the touching tribute to my father
that I thought it would be.
So I'm turning Dad's Domain
into CVS,
South Florida's most courteous and efficient CVS.
- (pharmacist on PA) Your prescription is ready!
- We've got over six employees and lots of Tylenol.
Florida Sun called it, "We don't review drug stores."
- Come out, come out to CVS.
Convenience in savings.
- CVS.
Vitamins are on sale. (ding-dong)
- (announcer) Located on some highway!
Route 10 didn't want us using its name.
- (deadpan) I'm Mike Dempsy.
(enervated) It's Halloween again,
and I don't have any money to buy back
all the Halloween decorations I sold
for that apparently illegal drug store.
So I'm turning CVS
into Spooky President Dad Haunted Pharmacy.
We've got skeleton fathers
and a five-year supply of feminine hygiene products.
And this girl, who apparently has no home or family.
Why don't you leave?
And The Florida Sun won't return my phone calls.
(as Nixon) Buy these adult diapers, or I'll kill you.
Spooky President Dad Haunted Pharmacy.
Every paying visitor gets free Adderall
leftover from my legal CVS.
(cash register chimes)
- (announcer) Spooky President Dad Haunted Pharmacy.
How can we still afford these billboards?
(actor yells, cash register rings)
♪ (easy-listening music) ♪