Hey Pals, how are you doing?
in my recent video about the pros and cons of being trans,
trans I briefly mentioned one of the
cons being losing people that you love
and losing friends family members.
That got me thinking about relationships in
general and toxic relationships and
behaviors that people can exhibit.
It's also mental health awareness month so I
thought it would be perfect to talk
about toxic relationships and how to
get out of them.
Even if you don't think there are toxic people around you
I think it's really important that you can
identify the symptoms I guess of them so
that you can prevent it from happening
in the future.
If you are experiencing a toxic or
abusive relationship then I hope this
video helps you.
My definition of toxic people are just people who make you feel
like crap on a regular basis.
So the first thing I have on my list is to
identify these behaviors.
I found a list online consisting of like six symptoms
the first thing I have on my list is
intimidation, so if people are trying to
make you feel nervous or scared around
them or like they have power control over you.
The second one is belittling, so again
quite similar to the first one but just
like making you feel stupid or like
lesser of a person, maybe like a bit of a
burden for just existing.
The third one I've got is criticism, so when people are just
like criticizing everything you do
basically.
There's a difference between
constructive criticism where people are
just trying to help you improve in a
nice way and constant criticism just
pointing out all of your flaws and
making you feel crap for them all.
Another one is gossiping, I think this is
something that a lot of us experience or
do ourselves especially in school and
stuff.. It's a good habit to cut out of
your life I don't think it really brings
you anything.
If someone is engaging in
negative talk about other people
especially if they're doing it about
every single person they know, they are
most likely doing it to you, even if
you are the best friend, so it's just
something to keep in mind.
Another thing
is if they're forcing you to engage in
that negative talk when you don't really
want to.
Guilt tripping is a big one, when
people just make you feel crap for the
littlest things.
An example of that would
just be someone doing something nasty to
you and hurting your feelings maybe you
telling them and calling them out on it
and then them flipping it over as if
you've made them out to be this terrible
person and that it's all your fault.
The last thing I have written down is
forceful behavior, I think this is just
one of the biggest red flags you can
have.
If someone is forcing you to do
things and not taking your boundaries
into account then that is definitely not
okay.
Even if it is small things where
you've said no and they continue to do
it to get reaction out of you that's
still not OK and they should know what
no means.
If you can identify these kind
of behaviors in the beginning or at
least early on in your relationship with
someone regardless if it's romantic or
not then it might be possible to prevent
it from becoming a toxic relationship.
That's not to say that it's your
responsibility to stop someone from
becoming abusive or toxic, it's their
responsibility.
Simple responses like
"why're you being like that?" "why did you
treat me like that?" and also things like
"don't speak to me like that, that wasn't
okay." are valid things to say you're
allowed to call people up on things when
you don't feel comfortable with them
it's okay.
There's a quote from the TV
series
Lewis written by Lewis CK that says "when
a person tells you that you said them
you don't get to decide that you didn't."
I just think that quote is so relevant
for things like this.
Occasionally when
you call someone up on something that has
hurt you, their response might be "my
intention wasn't to hurt you therefore
this issue is yours." that's a pretty good
example of what not to say to someone if
they come to you telling you that
something you've done is hurtful.
If you're realizing that this person is
showing signs of abusive behavior, toxic
behavior, manipulation, whatever you
want to call it, it might be worth
writing these things down either on your
phone or your computer just somewhere
where they're not going to find it.
That way when you have moments of thinking
that you're overreacting about the whole
thing, you have something to look back on
to remind yourself that you're probably
not.
Second step is talk to someone
Talking to people really helps I find
especially if they are professional I
guess, so people like youth workers,
counselors, teachers that you trust,
teachers that you know will be willing
to help.
Sometimes it's good to talk to
your friends as well especially if they
are caught up on like healthy
relationships and stuff like that.
The reason it's important to talk to someone
about it is because we can really down
play certain events that happen to us
sometimes.
You could be casually talking
to someone about what has happened and
be like "oh yeah it's no big deal it was
partly my fault as well because they
said so." and that person you're talking
to could be like "whoa hang on a minute
do you just realize what you just said?
this is serious."
Sometimes talking to
people makes you realize that you're
being manipulated or abused or really
heavily caught up in a toxic
relationship.
It's really easy to talk
yourself out of telling people as well
because you might think that your
problems are too much of a burden for
other people, but a lot of the time
friends are really grateful when you
come to them to help.
Try not to worry about putting your problems on
other people.
But if you are feeling that
way counselors, youth workers, teachers
that's what they're there for.
Step 3 on my list is to confront the person.
Sometimes this is the most scary part.
If you feel capable or well enough to do so then
it is important to confront the person.
I find that the best way to talk to people
is where you can see them and hear them
that way you can kind of tell the tone
that they're talking in instead of
assuming through text.
I guess meeting up
with them in person is the best option
but if you can't handle that video chatting
would be the second best.
That way you
can have a friend
to the side for support and the other person
won't know that anyone is there.
If you
really can't handle being seen then the
next option would be a phone call or
something like that and last resorts
would be texting or writing a letter.
So I would just like message them and be like
"hey can we chat at some point soon
please?"
When you confront these people
about how you feel, they're probably
going to respond in a few ways.
They might apologize genuinely and want to
change that behavior for the better if
someone comes to you and is like "soz that
you feel that way, pal." that's not an
apology..
An apology is when someone understands
what they've done wrong, how it's
affected you, and comes up with a way to
prevent it from happening again.
Another way they might respond is just throwing
off completely and trying to turn on you
again, as if you're being too sensitive
or overreacting..
Perfect example of toxic
behaviors if you are genuinely upset and
hurt, by what this person's done.
Something else they might do is just get
really defensive and angry at the fact
that you've called them up on some
behaviors that they're exhibiting.
If that happens though, I guess you kind of just
proved your point that this person is
probably not someone that you want to
have around.
The last part is cutting
ties, or moving on with it if you decide
to keep this person in your life.
It's probably very tempting to disappear on
this person and just delete them from
everything and never see them again
as if nothing's happened.
I used to be
the person that freaked out and deleted
all my social media from a group of
friends and just disappeared off the
face of the earth without any
explanation.
I think it's important to
ask yourself how you'd feel if you were
in the other person's shoes.
Having a
relationship with someone no matter what
kind it is and having this person
disappear without any answers so you're
left wondering what happened whether or
not this person is even alive anymore
and
like just.. what?
I think it can really
mess with your head on both sides with
the lack of closure of that disappearing
gives you.
Really I think it talking
about it is a lot of the time the best
option, not always but a lot of the time.
So again you could just like video call
this person and say something along the
lines of "hey I think we're different
places in our lives,
I feel like this relationship is
becoming it toxic or unhealthy for the
both of us and I think it would be best
if we took time apart or just left this
friendship as it is or relationship or
anything."
Mention that you don't
have a grudge against this person but
you just need your space
and your time away to be okay.
Sometimes you can't talk to these people about how
you're feeling,
for instance family members.
There's risks
that come along with losing one family
member because there's so many ties and
connections within family trees and it's
just like .. ugh.
so yeah, if one person in your family
tree is really messing with you and you
can't cut them out it can be really
really difficult to deal with and just
so frustrating.
If that is the case I
think it comes down to finding ways to
make yourself feel better about the
situation, and finding some sense of
closure within what you can and can't do.
One thing you can do is write out a
letter to this person as if you're going
to send it to them and send it to
someone else or just destroy it, shred it,
burn it, throw it in the bin.. don't litter
but get rid of it.
Just so you have this
kind of tangible product at the end of
it that you have control over... yeah.
Another thing you can do is the social
media cleanse were you just get rid of all the
people that are making you feel like
crap, and this can include family members.
Sometimes people get really offended
when you take them off your social media.
Something I did a while ago
was deleting my whole facebook and
creating a new private one that was just
for really close friends and people that
I knew I needed to talk to.
That way
people didn't feel as left out if I
didn't accept them.
I think people get more offended if you accept them as a
friend and delete them, then if you just
don't accept them at all in the first
place.
If that again is really impossible
then it might just be worth muting them
or doing what you can to kind of have
their stuff not be on your timeline.
Then there is social gatherings family
gatherings where everyone is there and
you can't totally avoid the person that
is making you feel like crap.
So your options are to either avoid the social
gatherings completely, talk to the
person in charge of social gathering
depending on the severity of the event
they might not want the person there
either.
I guess the other option is to go
to the party and try to see this person
as a completely stranger, so you've got
no attachment to them whatsoever, no good
feelings, no bad feelings, just nothing.
I know that can be very difficult some
people, I know it would be very difficult
for me to and it definitely wouldn't
take away all of the pain of the
experience or the friendship or whatever,
but it would help just a tiny bit to
recognize that this person has no
control of me no power over me
whatsoever and they're just a human that
exists on this earth at the same time as
me and that's it.
Finally understand that
your feelings are completely valid and
it's okay to feel the way that you're
feeling.
If you're watching this video
with someone in mind I'm glad you're
doing something about it and recognizing
that it might not be the healthiest
thing in the world.
But yeah that's it
that is my long video on toxic
relationships.
I hope everyone's doing
well, I hope you're having a great day,
and a great week, and a great month and
a great everything, and I will speak to
you soon.
Goodbye.