Can you tell people who talk too much to stop talking?
I mean, you could… but you’d probably offend them. And we definitely don’t want
to be rude.
Ugh, conversation hogs…amitire?
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a strategy for speaking up when someone starts to hog
the conversation?
Well you’re in luck, because we’ve got one for ya.
We’re actually going to approach this problem from two vantage points:
First, we’ll look at it as the person who wants to interrupt the chatterbox.
Then, we’ll look at it from the perspective of someone who doesn’t necessarily have
anything to say, but notices the conversation is being dominated by a single person, to
the exclusion of others.
Remember, a conversation is only a conversation when everyone has the chance to voice their
thoughts. If just one person is doing the talking, that’s a speech.
Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with speeches. But more often than not,
we are looking for a conversation.
So stick around to see how we can ensure we get a word in edgewise.
What is up Explearners. Mary Daphne here of explearning.co where we believe social skills are the key to the Good Life.
What is the Good Life? It’s a life where you call the shots, you have a crew you can count on, and you, my friend are on a mission you care about.
Alright so, if you’re the person who wants to speak and there’s someone hogging the
floor, what do you say to jump in? How can you signal that it’s your turn to talk?
I have 3 letters for you: T-R-P.
Transition Relevance Place. This is a term from the field of conversation analysis. It
indicates a point of completion at the end of the utterance. This is the time at which
another speaker can jump into the conversation.
So, in order to get the chance to speak, you need to be on the lookout for a TRP.
Let’s examine a few examples of transition relevance places so we know when we can jump
into the conversation.
(1) “When we went to Japan, we had the best mochi.”
That is a complete utterance. Now obviously you wouldn’t jump in at “Japan” because
the speaker hasn’t finished the point of the statement. But after “mochi”, there’s
a natural point where you can jump in. That’s your TRP.
If you don’t choose to jump in, then the speaker will likely continue with another
utterance. That’s okay if nothing comes to mind. But what if you wanted to hear more
about mochi? You could say something like, “I absolutely love mochi, do you have any
idea how they make it?”.
Or to the contrary, what if the topic of mochi totally bores you and you’d rather hear
about the city they were in? You could go with, “You know, I’m not wild about mochi,
but tell me more about Tokyo!”
The point is, by identifying your TRP, you can guide the conversation toward your interests.
On the other hand, if you miss your TRP, you cede control to the speaker, and who knows
when your next opportunity may come. For all you know, you might be stuck listening to
an elaborate story about the intricacies of mochi making for the next five minutes before
you can signal that you’d like to switch topics.
Now let’s look at another TRP.
(2) “A lot of people didn’t love the final season of Game of Thrones because it was fast
paced, but I’ve got to tell you, I really enjoyed it and think they did a good job wrapping
up loose ends, particularly with some of the lesser-known characters.”
OK this one is a bit longer, right? The speaker extended their utterance by using conjunctions
like “because” and “but.” There were probably a few possible TRPs in there, but
if they didn’t pause while speaking, it could be tough to jump in.
This may have even been intentional on their part to ensure you didn’t jump in. When
you want to extend your turn, you add conjunctions and omit pauses. You can also alter your intonation,
waiting until the end of your turn to lower it (because a lower intonation signals the
end of your turn).
Savvy conversation hogs employ these tactics to keep talking and talking.
So be ready to fight for your airspace.
A great way to do this is to politely interrupt them with phrases like: “Absolutely, and
guess what else…” or “A quick point on that note...”, or “Before you go on….”
Notice how these interjections are building on what the person is saying. That ensures
that your interruption sounds collaborative, rather than combative. It softens the fact
that you’re putting an end to their soliloquy.
Be sure when you do this that you are assertive with your language. Avoid hedges and superfluous
fillers like “so, um, hmm”. You can even use a slighter louder voice with a lower pitch.
But resist the temptation to speak rapidly – you don’t want to sound desperate. Rather,
you want to command their attention.
Now it doesn’t end there.
You may notice someone else wants to add a thought. This is an opportunity to help them
get into the conversation.
Being the ace conversationalist you are, you notice the person is struggling to signal
turn-taking.
In this case, I task you with finding a TRP and jump in for them. When you do, you can
say something like “Jane, were you about to say something?” or “Matt, did you have
something to add?” or “Maybe we pause for a second to discuss -- does anyone else
have a view on this?
It’s helpful to say the name of the person and turn towards them, signaling inclusivity.
Smile and make them comfortable speaking their mind.
Remember, the quiet people often see things that the blabber mouths don’t, so when they
speak, listen up!
----
Okay, so there’s your interruption game plan. Let’s quickly recap:
Listen for your TRP, transition relevance place. A TRP might be a place where there’s
a pause, when the sentence ends, or where there is falling intonation.
When it comes, seize it. Jump into the conversation and guide it toward a place you want to go.
Keep an eye out for others who might be struggling to get in, and give them a helping hand
By the way, that final one is a total pro move. Others will really appreciate you stepping
in on their behalf so that everyone can be heard. Doing so not only scores you good karma
points, you also build your reputation as a capable leader.
Cha - ching!
So now that I've shared our thoughts, I want to hear about what works for you. What other
strategies can you share with the Explearning community to participate in group conversation
where there seems to be one dominant voice? And what challenges have you encountered with
getting a turn to speak?
Share those two things with me in the comments below.
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And remember, the writeup of these lessons are always available on our blog at explearning.co/blog.
With that, have an awesome week, Explearners.
Thank you so much for joining me and I’ll see you next time for your next Explearning
lesson.
Happy Explearning ⚡