- So when I thought, oh you know what I wanna do?
I wanna jet ski across the country.
People said, that's impossible.
Turns out they're right.
(audience laughs)
But then I said what about jet skiing
from Chicago to New Orleans?
And they said,
Eh,
it's physically doable,
but it's incredibly stupid.
And I said, let's do it.
I jet skied from Chicago to New Orleans.
We got some jumping fish!
To try to raise $50,000 for Heifer International.
- Do the people at Heifer International know
that this is what you're doing?
- So they could provide 500 goats and 1,000 chickens
to African families in need, and help create a sustainable
economy for their communities,
and I really thought I can do it.
Let's get wet for goats!
(screaming)
(pounding orchestra music)
(slow motion bleat)
- Really gonna ride a jet ski to New Orleans, from Chicago?
- Yes.
- There's no way you'll do this.
Let's run down every reason why you're not qualified.
You haven't been on a jet ski in over 15 years.
- I'll figure it out.
- You're not a good swimmer.
You don't have a waterproof phone,
so you have no real sense of where you're going
- But I believe in myself?
- Yeah, you're not doing this.
- I'm happy you guys believe in me, so thank you.
- Yeah. - You wanna do a show?
- Let's do a show.
- How fast are you gonna be going?
(laughter)
- He's never gonna stop.
- 20 miles an hour? - You don't even know?!
How do you keep pirates from stealing the jet ski for you?
Pirates are gonna steal you jet ski.
Then you're just gonna be stuck
in the middle of the country.
- I'm excited that you guys are here to see me off
possibly on my last day of being alive.
(laughter)
- I'm nervous about jet skiing from Chicago to New Orleans.
Somewhere in here is what we're doing.
This is how well organized this idea is.
So here it is, this is the route that I take tomorrow.
Chicago to TBD! (laughter)
- I was wondering if everybody would be willing
to come up on stage so we can get a photograph,
like a class picture, for this night.
Ready?
- [All] Let's get wet for goats!
(audience cheers)
- Thank you very much everybody!
I'm happy you exist.
(driving rock music)
- Kurt is actually facing 1200 miles of waterway
on six different rivers.
Part of that, like the upper Mississippi, is never designed
for recreational boating.
The hazards to be faced on the river
include changes in weather,
opposing heavy commercial traffic.
We also have to be facing the fact
that there aren't any gas stations along that way
so we have to have a land support team
that is with us at all points in time.
(epic fanfare)
(light applause)
- Hello, fellow Chicago-mites.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy day
of eating bowls of cheese and being into sports.
I stand before you now tremendously honored
to take my place
in the pantheon of great explorers and adventurers.
Men like Ponce de Leon, who sought the fountain of youth,
and instead discovered Florida, where people now go to die.
Why do I choose to jet ski from Chicago to New Orleans?
Because every day,
870 million people go hungry and that's unacceptable.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauds)
I would like to now welcome the mayor of Chicago.
Not even gonna use the stairs.
Thank you so much, mayor, for being here with us today.
I really appreciate it. - I'm not the mayor.
- Let's get wet for goats!
(audience cheering) - You really shouldn't
You shouldn't cheer for this.
He's not going to accomplish this.
- Here we go!
- I have no faith in you.
- Here we go!
How do we.
Oh. (engine starts)
Let's get wet for goats!
(invigorating rock music)
- You're waving cause you know he's gonna die, right?
- Yeah.
- Aw yeah!
(lock signal horn blares)
What is this?
- It's a lock.
- What does it do?
- I don't know, but it stops us.
- I'm sure at some point during the six months
while we were planning this, someone mentioned locks to me
but I wasn't paying attention.
I was dreaming about jet skiing.
It turns out there are 22 locks
between Chicago and St. Louis.
That's just the first 150 miles!
Each one is a potential four hour delay.
So immediately it's like, the trip is over.
How many miles have we gone so far?
- About a mile.
- About a mile?
- But, we've raised 12 dollars.
(mystical music)
- Kurt, Kurt!
You're going to fail.
Seriously you're gonna fail.
This is a stupid idea.
- No!
I'm gonna do this.
We're gonna do it together.
- Yeah. - We'll do this for goats.
We'll do it for chickens, we'll do it for Africa,
we'll do it for America!
I was gonna jet ski away but we're in a lock.
- We're in a lock.
- God dammit. - I know.
- We are seriously fucked.
(heavy industrial music)
- Guys, thank you so much
for watching the first episode of Roustabout.
If you still wanna help out, click on the link to heifer.org
right here.
Help make the world a little bit of a better place.
And, watch the next episode of Roustabout.
It's around here, click on it.
It's just a click.
I don't know where it is though.