- Have you ever said,
"How much easier would it be
"if everyone just told the truth
"all the time?
"You said this,
"and it doesn't mean that.
"why would you lie to me?
"Saying that it's three o'clock,
"when it's 2:58."
Welcome to this month's Patrons Choice video.
And our topic today is,
why do people lie to me?
So I started jotting some notes
down about this.
And it's quickly turning
into a full on thesis.
I'm gonna try and go through
what I've got so far,
in reasonably quick succession.
I'm gonna make some graphics,
so you don't need to actually see.
These are just notes for myself.
But I'm going
to outline a couple of different
ways that people lie.
Because what I've noticed,
I know I do this,
and I've seen other Aspies do this,
because we can be a little bit
black and white sometimes,
and we like to define things
in really clear categories,
sometimes we lump all of these things
into the one category of lying.
And that makes it harder
for us to understand what's going on.
The first thing
that we talk about with lying
is deliberately, maliciously,
giving someone the wrong information.
So, trying to trick them,
trying to manipulate them.
And that is a form of power.
Because information is power.
And if I give you the wrong information,
then you're going to
make a less good decision.
And that could potentially benefit me.
So that's kind of what we typically
think of about lying.
But there are actually lots
of other things that can
sometimes seem like that,
but are actually
something quite different.
I wanna really contrast between
that kind of lying, and pretending,
projecting an image,
omitting information,
refusing to tell you something,
and using language in the wrong way.
So if we start with the first one.
Pretending is kind of like
lying, isn't it?
Because I'm not being genuine.
I'm putting on an act.
I'm putting on a mask.
I am projecting an image,
which is actually the second one,
which we'll come to in a minute.
I'm trying to be a different person
in a particular situation.
And I know that I've done
this a lot in my life.
And it's because,
instead of being authentic to myself,
I'm doing, and saying, and wearing
things that I know other people
want me to wear.
Because it's socially appropriate
for whatever reason.
Interestingly, people on the spectrum
are often very good at this.
We're often good at acting,
and wearing a mask,
and mimicry, and things like that.
And when other people do that,
sometimes we get upset by that,
because they're not being genuine.
And when we realize
they're not being genuine,
it triggers this
sort of violation of the honesty.
"Why were you lying to me?"
So a couple of reasons that we pretend.
We might pretend to ourselves,
because we would prefer
to believe a different thing.
I might pretend to be happy,
when I'm not actually feeling very good.
Or I might pretend to be confident,
when I'm actually really
not confident at all.
And that image,
and mask, and performance
gets shown to others,
because sometimes it's nice
when others think that I'm happy.
I get less questions about,
why are you depressed all the time?
Or actually a really good one
for me is about being tired.
I'm tired a lot of the time.
And I have to pretend
that I'm not tired.
Otherwise, I get so many questions.
Why are you tired?
Have you tried this?
And I just don't want any of that.
So that's one of the reasons
I pretend sometimes.
So another...
Way is when we project an image.
And this is like giving a half truth.
My analogy for this is,
it's like a Rubik's Cube, right.
Is it red, or is it yellow,
or is it blue?
It's actually all of these things,
depending on which side you're looking at,
at a particular time.
The question for this is,
do you show all of yourself
all of the time?
And that was kind of rhetorical,
cause I'm speaking to a camera.
It's impossible to show all
of ourselves, all of the time.
Which means that,
in any given moment we have to choose
which image we project.
And sometimes that can feel
like a half truth,
because it seemed like this person
was really confident,
but they were actually
faking, for example.
So another way...
That sometimes feels like lying
is when people omit information.
So a similar question for this is,
is it possible to say everything
that you want to say?
Is it possible to say
everything that you need
to about a particular thing?
There is so much detail
that for the purposes
of efficient communication,
I have to assume some things
that you're automatically
going to understand.
I'm not gonna stop mid sentence
and start defining every word
that I use, for example.
There's some kind of assumed knowledge there.
So while it's definitely possible,
to omit information
in a way that's deliberately designed
to trick someone.
Just because there was
a misunderstanding,
because we assumed the wrong thing,
does not necessarily mean that,
that omission of information
was deliberately designed
to manipulate us, or trick us.
Because we have to assume
things all the time.
Another one that was a really
big thing for me,
because I actually
believe in transparency.
I believe it would be so much easier.
Have you ever said,
"How much easier would it be
"if everyone just told the truth
"all the time?"
I know that has been
something that I've thought,
from time to time.
And I get really angry
when people refuse to tell me things
that would really help me.
But actually, something
I've realized recently is that,
it's a degree of privacy
that you can't force people
to tell you the truth.
And that kind of sounds a bit
counterintuitive at first,
because we talk about honesty
as if it should be
something that we apply all the time.
But I can't force somone
to tell me something about themselves.
I can't force somone
to tell me anything.
So if somone refuses
to tell me something,
that's because
that information is private.
And I'll give you...
An analogy to understand
what I mean by
privacy.
I'm wearing clothes
at the moment, right?
Now in a way,
I am masking my body.
So you can't see my body.
All you can see is the clothes
on the outside.
It's not really a secret
that I'm doing that.
You can clearly see
that I'm wearing a jacket,
and you can't see what's underneath.
If you know anything
about human anatomy,
you can probably have a pretty
good guess of what's underneath.
But that's kind of beside the point.
It's not about the knowledge
of what's underneath, it's about
how much we openly show
in any given situation.
There are some situations
where it's socially appropriate
to be naked, for example.
There are some relationships
where it's socially appropriate
to see each other naked.
And there are some
where if that happened,
you'd be like,
"Okay, this is a bit weird.
"I'm not sure how I feel about this."
So I guess the point of that analogy
is to emphasize that,
how much you tell people,
and how honest you be,
in any given situation,
it depends on the situation,
and it depends on the relationship,
that you have with that person.
And how
much
is appropriate to share.
A question I have
for this to ask you is,
do you have any secrets?
Is there any information
that if others knew
they could use it against you?
That's why we keep secrets.
Because if I told everybody,
then some of that information
could be used against me.
So I'm
trying to protect myself in a way,
by not telling everybody,
everything, all the time.
Now this last one is a very
stereotypical Aspie thing to do.
And it's to get hung up
on the language,
when people use language
in the wrong way.
I know I definitely have a preference
for when people use language, literally.
And when people are really
inaccurate with language,
that can sometimes bug me,
because I said,
"But you said this,
"and it doesn't mean that."
And I can get really hung up
on that sometimes,
especially when I was little.
I would say things,
like to my parents.
"You said this,
"which means this,
"and now you're doing this,
"which is different to what you said."
And from their point of view,
they were just being a little bit sloppy
with their language.
They were using
it a little bit inaccurately.
And a really good example,
is I used to get upset with the time.
Like when I learned to tell the time,
I'd ask my parents,
"What's the time?"
And they'd say, "Three o'clock."
And then I would look at the time,
I'd say, "It's not
"three o'clock, it's 2:58.
"Why are you lying to me?
"Why would you lie to me?
"Saying that it's three o'clock,
"when it's 2:58."
Clearly in their mind, they rounded.
And it's roughly, three o'clock.
And so that's what they were
communicating to me.
But I couldn't understand why someone
would be inaccurate,
when we have digital clocks these days.
I could understand when you have
an analog clock, and you say,
"Oh, it's roughly three o'clock."
Cause it's hard to be too accurate.
But for a digital clock,
it says two, five, eight, 2:58.
Surely, you could just relay
that information to me.
So I was getting very upset.
But I thought I was getting upset
because they were lying,
and trying to trick me,
or manipulate me,
or give me the wrong information.
Whereas actually,
I was getting upset because
they were being less accurate,
than I wanted them to be.
So it really helps to understand
why certain behavior can make
me feel upset.
A question for you to reflect
on this one is,
have you ever been misunderstood?
Have you ever said something,
or done something,
that was taken in the wrong way?
In a way that you completely
did not intend?
Whose fault was that?
Was that 100% your fault
for not being clear
in your communication?
Or, was it 100% their fault
for not listening to you properly?
And you were trying to say this,
and they should have done
a better job trying to listen to you.
The answer is that communication
and understanding,
is always a two way street.
And it can't be blamed
on any one of the parties.
If there is a misunderstanding,
it's because there was a gap somewhere,
and the two people need to work
on better understanding each other.
Okay, well might leave it there.
But this has been
an attempt to be really quick
about why do people lie to me.
And some of the reasons
that people lie.
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your say in next month's
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And I'll see you another time, bye.
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