Today I'm going to share with you three surprisingly simple truths
that make it easy to forgive someone who hurt you.
When you know and understand these three truths you'll be in a position to actually choose. Now,
first, it'll be helpful to understand what forgiveness is not and then we'll get to
those three simple truths. I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist. Forgiveness comes
up a lot in the work that I do with people because we get hurt. Anytime
you're in a relationship you're on the risk of being hurt and also of causing some hurt.
But you've probably already experienced this where someone has hurt you. What is
forgiveness? Well, first of all, what is it not forgiveness is not saying that it was okay,
it wasn't. When someone hurts you that's not okay. It's not okay for anybody to hurt anyone.
It happens all the time but forgiveness is not saying that it was okay. Similarly, forgiveness
is not letting someone off the hook for their misdeeds. Now, think about this for a minute,
do you really have the authority to let someone off the hook for some bad choice that they've made?
No, you don't. So, that's not what forgiveness is. It's not pardoning them for their crimes or
their sins. You don't have that Authority. That's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not some
great gift of benevolence that you're bestowing on some other person. That's not what it is. If you
think it's that, you're going to be very hesitant to give that huge gift to someone who hurts you.
It's not a gift for them. Let's get into what forgiveness is but before we do that would you
just think who came to your mind as we're having this conversation as someone who would appreciate
seeing this video, knowing this particular issue. Will you send this to them? There's a little share
button right down there. Click on that, you know who to send it to. Now, let's get to those three
surprisingly simple truths about what forgiveness is. Truth number one, forgiveness is a choice.
I want to put the power right back in your hands. Notice that sometimes our resistance to forgiving
is because they didn't apologize. You know I was working with a client early in my career
who had been severely abused and mistreated by her stepfather. This abuse happened over a
period of about eight years from the time she was eight till about the time she was
16 and without getting into the nasty details of all of that you can appreciate that this is
wrong. Abuse in any form is wrong and we don't make any arguments that what he did was okay. Remember,
forgiveness is not saying that it was okay. When it came to the part of our relationship where I
suggested to this client that it's time to start considering forgiveness she almost fired me.
Her response are immediate and visceral as she said, "He never even acknowledged that it was wrong.
He never apologized. He never even admitted that it ever happened", and that was her response to
my invitation for her to consider forgiveness. It was probably all true I don't think he did ever
take responsibility for that mistreatment that he had inflicted upon her. So, she can't forgive
or can she? Remember, the first simple truth is forgiveness is a choice. It does not depend on
the other person's repentance or willingness to acknowledge or take responsibility.
It doesn't depend on their apology. She can choose it for herself. Now, let me give you a little more
context around this because the abuser in this case had been dead for almost a decade at the time of
this conversation. How soon is this guy going to apologize and make it possible for my client
to forgive? Yeah, I'm not going to wait around for that. It doesn't depend on his apology and that is
the good news, it's a choice. Just let that sink in for a minute, that's truth number one. Do you
remember earlier when I said forgiveness is not some benevolent gift that you're bestowing on
someone else something of Great Value that you're giving away. Here's truth number two,
forgiveness is for you. It is a healing gift that you give yourself. It's not for anybody
else it's for you. Remember, you don't have the authority to forgive someone of their misdeeds
or their sins or their crimes. You don't have that kind of authority. So, what is this forgiveness?
It's a gift that you give yourself. There's a movie that I watched with my daughter and she
was laughing at me because I get a little teary sometimes when I'm touched by things that I was
in this movie. It was Cinderella okay, the 2018 version live action Cinderella movie and there
was something in that really got my attention and hit me in the fields actually. Do you remember
when the prince showed up and he's trying the glass slipper on everybody and big surprise it
fits Cinderella. They didn't change the story much, okay, it's a predictable outcome. But she's
getting ready to leave with her prince for her happily ever after and she stopped on her way
out the door. She turned around to her stepmother who was sitting right over there on the stairs
defeated and dejected and remember this woman had mistreated her ever since she came into
her life and she turned to that stepmother and she said three words, do you remember?
"I forgive you", she said that to her stepmother and then she turned and left with her prince.
What was Cinderella doing? Was she saying it's okay? No, it wasn't. Was she saying, oh, you're off the hook
for your misdeeds. No, she doesn't have that kind of authority. Was she giving her stepmother some gift?
No, it was for her. Look at what she was doing, she's heading off to her happily ever after,
She realizes on her way out the door or whatever that she's still got a little burden here of grievances
and hurt that she had accumulated over the past what however many years with her stepmother and
she turned around and she said, "I don't want to take this with me", floop, there you go. You can
do whatever you want to with that. I'm out of here and I'm not taking that with me. Can you appreciate
the gift that she just gave herself? I'm not taking that with me. I don't care what you do with it. She
didn't stick around to see what her stepmother's response to that would be. She's just like, "No,
I'm leaving it here. I'm out of here. Happily ever after is waiting for me over there. I'm not taking
it with me", that's how it's a gift to yourself. You don't have to pack it around. You don't have
to carry the grievances that are poisoning your own heart and mind. You can leave them there.
What they do with it? Still live to them. You got it? Here's the third surprisingly simple truth that
I think makes a huge difference. Forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better past
which frees you up to enjoy your present and your future for that matter. Think about how I worded
that, it's giving up your demand for a better past. I have to be treated better in the past.
How ridiculous is that? When we hang on to it, that's not even possible.
So, when we give up our demand for a better past we are now free to enjoy our present and our future.
Awesome. One of my dear friends Elizabeth Smart you may remember her name from the news that came out
when she was 14 years old she was abducted and then severely abused and mistreated for a period
of nine months. When she was finally rescued which she brought about by the way that's a
whole other inspiring story. But when she was finally rescued her mother told her Elizabeth,
this man who had abducted her, "This man has stolen nine months of your life do not give
him another second", and she took that to heart as she realized, "I can't change my past. It is what it is.
But I can live better now and moving forward. I'm not giving him another minute of my life".
That's what we're talking about, forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better past
so that you can enjoy your present and your future. That is still in your control. Can you
see how those three simple truths are going to make it easy for you to give yourself that
healing gift of forgiveness. There's more. I've got another video ready for you watch
that one next, how you can reprogram your mind to stay strong and positive. I'll see you there.