♪ From the halls of Montezuma ♪
♪ To the johns of Camp Lejeune ♪
♪ We have over loaded (beeps) ♪
♪ We are ass clowns through and through ♪
(laughing)
You can stack a (beeps), you can storm a beach.
Now go back and do it drunk.
- [Marines] Go, go, go, go go, go, go.
♪ Up in the morning with the risin' sun ♪
♪ Gonna (beeps) all day til the (beeps) done ♪
Welcome to NJPtv's Mandatory Fun.
Your weekend safety brief and safe space.
My name's John Stites, I'm an Army infantry veteran,
stand up comedian, Shake Weight operator,
and your humble host.
Let's watch some videos, hoo rah!
- Hoo rah!
- [Marine] Hey, give me two.
- Dude, Marines will do anything to avoid a working party.
So here are some pro tips for proper skating
straight out of the lance criminal handbook.
Mandatory Fun in now way condones skating,
unless it's ice skating.
Man those chicks are hot.
Hell, the dudes'll do in a pinch.
- Hoo ah.
- S, stay away from First Sergeant.
K, keep a low profile.
A, act busy.
T, take your time.
And E, escape and evade, skate.
To avoid the working party
you've got to be slower than the rest of your squad.
Now this video was obviously staged.
I mean we all know Motor T can't PT.
They drive everywhere.
Dude, their motto is death before dismount.
(screaming)
Speaking of things you hate.
- [Soldier] Oh my gosh.
- Now besides tactically wearing your watch backwards
on leave, what's the most boot thing
that you've ever done?
- [Soldier] Oh my gosh.
- Dude if you close your eyes and listen to the audio
it's legit like Hallmark decided to get into porn.
- [Soldier] Oh my gosh, oh my, oh my.
- Gee whiz.
- [Soldier] Oh my gosh.
- Now, he's mostly impressed by it's girth.
- [Soldier] Oh my gosh.
- Congratulations Marine, your dumbass
has just won a bout of cancer
and a life sentence to the VA.
Have fun jockeying for chemo with the Vietnam guys
who actually earned their (beeps) from Agent Orange,
you jackass.
- Make my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill.
- Our next video just proves what we all knew already.
When no enemy is present, Marines will invent one.
Like, enemy snowmen.
(laughing)
Dude, I'm all for staying frosty and all,
but come the (beeps) on.
(operatic music)
(door thudding)
This guy's ruined more doors than Jim Morrison's coke habit,
am I right? - Hey-o!
- Oh, corpsman up, corpsman up.
I think Lance Corporal Lou Kang over there
never skips leg day, ever.
I think this guy's dead, like for real dead.
What's the fatality on this one?
Green Weenie, finish him!
Now, if only he were wearing his glow belt.
Now they say that 80% of accidents happen in the home,
and 100% of accidents happen in the Marine Corps.
- All right, this is gonna hurt.
- It's always worse when you know it's coming.
- (laughing) Ow!
- I wonder if they have a safe word?
It's probably skin carrots.
Dude that is for sure 10% disability, minimum.
That's 5% per brow, ingrates.
- [Marine] What's in your pocket, Marine?
Let's see it, that is not in regs.
- Just remember kids, catcalls are punishable
under the UCMJ, and that is no S-H-I-T.
You don't think that's (beeps) adorable?
You, my friend, are a sociopath.
Even First Sergeant would be giggling
at the sight of that pocket cat.
Oh, who am I kidding?
First Sergeant is a (beeps) savage.
If he found that furball in her blouse,
it'd be a catastrophe.
Okay, it's a (beeps) pocket.
- Pussy, what about 'em?
- We don't need anymore (beeps) cat jokes.
This one's already purr-fect. (chuckles)
All right (beeps) stains, that's our show.
Listen, keep sending us your best videos.
The top clips will receive an original t-shirt
inspired by your epic video.
Now let me see if I can make this as simple as possible
for you ASVAB rejects.
You send video, we pick video, you get shirt, got it?
And remember, we're legit not trying to get you NJPed,
so don't do anything that I wouldn't do.
And if you do, make sure First Sergeant
can't see your face in the video, ya dumbass boot!