-CNN held the second round
of Democratic presidential debates last week.
And once again, they had to split it up into two groups.
And my complaint was not enough candidates in one night.
So I decided to hold a debate of my own.
All 20 candidates are right here, right now,
and they're ready to go, so without further ado,
here's the "Late Night Democratic presidential debate."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the "Late Night 2020 Democratic presidential debate."
I'm your moderator, Seth Meyers.
Congressman Delaney, let's start with you.
The latest polls have you at less than 1%.
Who is still supporting
your presidential campaign at this point?
-The people who are forced, like my dad.
[ Laughter ]
-Governor Hickenlooper, if you were President,
what would be your goal each and every Halloween?
-Startle and frighten every man, woman and child in this country.
[ Laughter ]
-Mayor Buttigieg, where is Mike Pence not allowed
to stand when he's around women?
-Within cheating distance.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Sanders, as President,
how would you improve the new Starbucks menu?
-By ending all of the incredible complexities
that are driving every American crazy.
[ Laughter ]
-Mayor de Blasio, is it possible for someone
to be a Democrat and still be despised in New York City?
-I know from personal experience, it can be done.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Senator Bennet, how many people here
do you think have no idea who you are?
-Half the people in this room.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator, be honest.
-Almost everybody in this room.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Klobuchar, a lot of your critics are worried
that if elected, you'd spend most of your time
making origami cranes in the Oval Office.
What's your response?
-As your President, I will not fold.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Gillibrand,
what's really going on with President Trump?
I mean, how did he get this way?
-He had an allergic reaction to eggs,
and his whole body turned red and puffy.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Booker, what do you think the inventor of the Roomba
is going to do next?
-Create a vacuum that's ultimately gonna destabilize
the Middle East.
[ Laughter ]
-Mr. Yang, this is amazing.
I heard that you recently visited an alternate universe.
How are things different there?
-Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Sanders, I know you love to skateboard.
What would you say if the cops busted you and your friends
for skateboarding at the park?
-This is not radical.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Klobuchar, when my family and I go out to dinner,
we're always full before our entrees arrive.
What are we doing wrong?
-This is a bread and butter issue.
[ Laughter ]
-Governor Hickenlooper, be honest.
What did you say after you lost your virginity?
-Thank you. And what a night. I've loved it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Vice President Biden, I heard you have all the Showtimes,
all the HBOs, and all the Cinemaxes.
How much are you paying for cable?
-My plan costs $750 billion.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Sanders, what's it like at a Cracker Barrel
at 4:30 in the afternoon?
-19 million elderly people in it.
[ Laughter ]
-Senator Klobuchar, when you walk your dog,
where do you leave the dog poop?
-Sitting on Mitch McConnell's doorstep.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Senator Warren, I know how they grow regular corn,
but how do they grow that tiny little corn
you sometimes find in Chinese food?
-With small farmers.
[ Laughter ]
-Mayor Buttigieg, what is President Trump's
favorite PornHub category?
-Naked racism.
-Well, it looks like we're out of time,
so on behalf of all the candidates, good night.