There she is.
-All right? -Here's one.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dunno.
To get away from the smell of two gypsies
fucking my wife.
They're not even proper jokes.
Also, it's racist.
Shut up. Why?
The smell of two gypsies fucking my wife?
The smell was coming from her.
Use your noggin.
She had a terrible feminine hygiene problem.
She was the one that stank.
I used to say to her "You got a proper stink on
going down there in that cabbage".
Okay.
Okay, we love that.
Okay.
And we roll.
Anti.
I'm so proud of you.
Anti, this isn't your line.
This isn't your line.
We broadcast on Twitter
and show you how we do the work.
Testing my testes all over your nan!
Right in her fucking mooey.
She was like Oh, thanks babes--
I've never heard mooey before.
So go back and do that again.
Let me give you--
I've never heard mooey in my life.
Oi, what you been eating?
Don't fucking worry about what I've been eating.
What I won't be eating
is that fucking number seven breakfast down below
She was like "Oh, thanks darling.
I fucking needed that".
"Gone in me eye, I've gone blind".
What you been eating?
Don't fucking worry about what I've been eating--
Stop it.
Sorry, sorry. I tried.
I tried.
What you been eating.
Okay, just pick it up from there.
Hey, what you been eating?
Don't fucking worry about what I've been eating nana.
You fucking get yourself out the fucking door
and don't slip over all that fucking hairy monkey,
you dirty old toss pot.
Hairy monk--
She's like "Thanks babe, I fucking needed that".
Fucking looked at her.
Right, okay.
Listen, okay.
To anyone who doesn't understand,
this is really difficult.
I can't tell you.
Mind you, I was high risk with AIDS.
That's 'cause I liked it up the ass.
My choice.
I'm never gonna get that.
You go again. Just do one more.
Mind you, I was high risk with AIDS as well.
That's 'cause I liked it up the ass.
My choice.
Missionary, missionary, missionary, missionary,
missionary, missionary, missionary, bored.
Turn round, let me see your ass.
Let me see your ass.
Sorry.
Sorry. Don't apologise.
Jesus Christ.
Boring.
Turn round, love. Let me see that ass.
Not even the ass, I like the anus.
Let me see that ass.
Not even the ass actually, I like the anus.
I don't like the ass, I like the anus.
The eye of mystery.
Right down her neck.
Sorry.
Saved by the bell.
Show me your ass.
Please sho--
Sorry, sorry. I can do it.
You know the Wilson brothers?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
They had a go on her once.
One of each tit, one on the barnacle.
You know Lucas Holt?
-Yeah, kind of. -Right-angled dick.
Goes off on one direction, shoots off on another.
Know Adam Hayworth?
Yeah.
Biggest willy in Tambury.
You know Gordon Walker, the groundsman?
Yeah.
He hung her up by her ankles once.
Fed on her minge like a hot pie.
Joe, I don't know how you're doing it.
-I'm thinking about-- -I fell over.
I'm thinking about dead relatives.
And do bring your wife along.
It's mostly for women.
I don't have a wife.
Gay? Even better.
Definitely not.
I can see the fear.
We're like "No".
I know your "I'm not gonna laugh" face now.
Which is always exactly the same as laughing.
Gay? Even better.
Definitely not.
Gay? Even better.
What was that?
I can't tell him I work for a free local paper,
he'll think I'm a loser.
None taken.
Tell him…
You're an investi--
I can't say the word now.
Investigative journalist.
Tell him you're an investi--
Okay, I can never say the word now.
That's it. Lunch?
Tell him you're an investigave jour--
Tell him you're an investigave journalist.
I know, let's go from the top.
Okay, yeah.
I can't tell him I work for a free local paper,
he'll think I'm a--
Can't look at you.
It's going…
I can feel it creeping on.
-What? -Your willy.
Thoughts?
He can take a little bit harder without hurting him.
I know you're trying to miss.
Just a little bit, like a--
Like you sort of. Like you really wanna--
That was too close.
Bad idea.
One more. Last time, Brian.
He's never gonna work with me again.
D'you like chess?
-Pardon? -There's a horse.
There's a what? I'm sorry?
There's a horse.
Must be a new one.
She had a terrible feminine hygiene problem.
I should know, I live with it. Believe me.
Just do it again. Just like that.
The smell was coming from--
Right, okay.
Lovely pair of eyes.
I used to say to her
"You got a proper stink on down there".
She'd say "If God had wanted my snatch to smell nice,
he wouldn't have stuck it next to me asshole".
Right, that is unbelievable.
The Larry Grayson look he had. It is amazing.
I used to say to her
"You got a proper stink on in those knickers".
-Cut. -Sorry.
Who qualms with the asshole?
So, I'm young, free and single again.
So…
I was wondering…
Right, okay.
So, I was thinking…
Do you…
So…
I was wondering…
So…
I was wondering…
Look at Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot.
Fuck me, what was up with him?
No one cared.
-Rain Man was the same. -D'you know what--
No one knew what that cunt was up to.
Alright, I'm ready.
Okay, get this.
Gill thinks--
It's the eye roll.
Man talk "Get this".
Okay, get this, right,
Gill thinks I'm not very adventurous.
The puff.
And action.
The olives have still got the stones in,
so just be a bit careful with them
Okay, I can't take people being boring.
It makes me laugh.
Nice drop, innit?
Okay, right.
Okay. You can't speak.
-Have we started? -We haven't started yet.
He keeps being boring on purpose.
Which was did you come?
No, okay.
Is it merino wool?
It's pure cotton.
I think she always wanted to do something artistic
'cause she could always find the camera.
You know, wherever I was in the room.
Even if I shoved it underneath her minge.
Even when I stuck it underneath her chuff chuff.
Bang!
She looked over, waved at me and came on the lens.
She was laughing at one moment.
Ecstasy.
Laughing at me.
And coming.
At one point she was laughing at me and coming.
At the same--
He was a big man.
I enjoyed having him in the house.
What you thinking?
I don't want to think.
Heart-breaking what he said.
Let's watch The Chase.
You know, five years ago I could have knocked one out
and got it straight down your throat.
Fuck!
Sorry.
You all right?
It's like a big ol' barrage balloon up there.
Sorry sir, I just don't like little Gary staring at me.
No, that's fine.
Put your map down, look at your stockers.
You keep looking at her tits?
-No. -Why not?
Well, he's a baby.
Right, yeah,
he's not the one making all the noise, is he?
You are.
To keep him amused.
You're a big, annoying cunt.
You big cunt!
You're a big, fucking cunt!
It's great down here.
You've got a little bit of aftershave on, don't ya?
Yeah, little bit.
Anti, quick.
Lie down.
Get up.
Go, get up.
I think we've blown this take.
Lie down.
Good girl.
I'm soaked. I can't--
-Hello you! -Stay. Anti.
I've washed in a sausage and she still doesn't love me.
Oh God!
-D'you have any ice? -Yeah.
Is that the fridge? I don't know, I don't live here.
Is it?
Hygiene is paramount.
-You can write it down. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, you went every day for what? six hours?
Six or seven hours.
Bernard. Did Bernard get you?
Bernard got me.
I wasn't eating all the time.
I'd fall asleep now and again, but--
Just a machine. Just keeps going.
I wasn't eating all the time.
I'd fall asleep now and again, but
I'd wake up if they tried to take my plate away
What is he looking at--
-Tired? -Hmm, little bit.
-What you been in? -What?
-What? -What, what?
I di-- A musical, Taxi Driver.
Fair enough.
Are you looking at me, 'Cause I'm looking at you
I don't see anyone else
You could be fucking looking at
Bang Bang!
I'm a taxi driver
Pick up my fare and I'll drive you where you wanna go
Bang Bang!
I don't know what to do.