You've probably heard the term helicopter parent. But as a helicopter
parent a bad parent?
The term "helicopter parents" I first heard when I was reading a book called
"Parenting With Love And Logic". Do you remember this one, VIcki? -Foster Cline and
Jimfay. There really had an amazing impact on me in my professional development. And
on us as parents. -Right. -They coined the term helicopter parent. Now, what it means?
If you can picture a helicopter. For starters, it's got the rotors up on
top. And that allows it to hover. And it just kind of sits in the air. Helicopter
parents hover. -Everything their child does. -Right. I think the reason we hover,
Vicki is because we want to make sure that they... -Whatever. -Right. Make sure that
they do their chores, make sure that they get their homework done, make sure that
they're safe. -Make sure that they're treated right, make sure everything. You
know, I think we need to remember that it's actually kind of natural for us to
want to hover. That's a very neutral tendency. And so, we don't want to beat
ourselves up for it. Because it is kind of natural. My whole job as a mom
[Stutters]. -Love them no matter what even if. You know this. -Yes. But part of it you feel like,
"Boy, I just need to teach them so much and make sure they're safe and send them
out in this world the best they can." You know, we get really stuck in that
thought process. And so in doing so, we want to kind of watch over them and
hover a little bit. -The question that we let out with "Is a helicopter parent a
bad parent?" No. But there are some very specific consequences to that hovering.
-And you know what is the most interesting to me, I didn't actually see
this as a consequence while my children were little. I kind of came across it
when they were older. And that is that when you hover over them, you are sending
the message. I don't really trust you to be able to handle this. And it never
dawned on me that that might be what I'm telling my child by kind of being
helpful. I saw myself as trying to be helpful.
Stepping in, doing things, providing things for them. Information,
trying to protect them from rough situations. And it didn't even dawn on me
that by doing that, I was saying, "You know, I don't really trust you to be able to
handle this." -Let's take a little closer look at that. What are the messages that
we send when we're hovering or being a helicopter parent. Vicki just mentioned
that the "I don't really trust you to be able to handle this" message is hidden in
the hovering. -Like I don't even think I ever even thought about that being a
message I was sending until I looked at it from the outside through another
person's blog. -Well, let's take that up a step. "You're not capable of
handling this." Can you imagine actually telling your child that? But that's kind
of what the hovering says. It's like, "I'm going to stay right here. I'm going to make sure that
you do this thing that I asked you to do because you obviously are not capable
enough, smart enough, bright enough to handle this on your own." -That's not a
message we want to send. Right? -It's pretty harsh, isn't it? -Yeah. Another
message is "Don't worry, I'll do the thinking for you. Let me figure it
all out and just hand it to you because I'll do the thinking."
-Ooh! Economically, just think about how that's going to impact your child.
Because kids are constantly trying to figure out, "Okay, what's going to be the
easiest thing for me to do here? Should I worry about this? Should I let mom worry
about this? Hmm.." So, they're going to go with "Let mom worry
about it" every time. If you're hovering, you're giving the the message that
you're willing to actually do that. Another message that we've kind of
gotten in a habit as a community as a culture telling is that "I don't want you
to fail. Failure is bad." And I think when we hover were kind of preventing them
from failing. And that message is that failure is bad. That's not a really great
message for us to raise our children believing. -Because they're going to learn
so much from their mistakes. -Matter of fact, I heard it this morning that
failure is only bad when you make it into a bad thing for you personally. -Do
some thinking around that one. I think that's really powerful and important. You
know, the other that it tells our kids when we're
hovering or being a helicopter parent. "Hey, whatever the issue is right now, only
important while I'm standing here. While I'm physically present. While I'm
hovering." And that's not really the message we want to send either. So, as an
alternative, what messages do we want to send our kids? Let's get into that next.
-The most powerful message that we can send our child is "You are capable of
doing this." We want them to know that we believe in them and that they are
capable. Not only that we believe in them but we want them to learn that they can
believe in themselves. -I did the video not too long ago about the most damaging
thing you could ever tell your child. And it surprised some people to... Go watch the
video. It's right here on the channel. The thing that surprised people, it's, "You
can't. You can't." I think that's the most damaging thing you can tell your child.
So, like Vicki was saying here. Let's send the message that "You can handle this. You
are capable, you are bright enough. You are smart enough. I know you're going to get
this. I'm not too worried about making a mistake because actually that's probably
a good thing in your learning curve. You can handle this." It might be just because
I don't want to do all of the work or all of the thinking. But it also relates
to child development because what if we could send the message "You're thinking
determines your outcomes. The better thinking you do, the better your life is
going to be. And so, it's not about me doing all of the thinking for you. I
trust you to do that." This is another powerful message that I think we want to
send our kids. -Right. Yeah. And realizing that my own work is one of the
principles of my happiness. This is what we're teaching a child. Your thinking and
your work is going to bring about your happiness. -Right. And it helps them to
link up cause and effect too. So, that's another good reason to stop the hovering.
The bottom line here. You're not a bad parent if you're a helicopter parent.
It's a natural thing like we talked about. I mean, it kind of comes naturally
to most parents to hover. I hope that through
this video, you've been able to see that there are some messages were sending
through that that maybe we didn't even realize we were. -Right. -Not really the messages
we want to send. There's so many other resources available to you and you can
get on top of this. We are not going to leave you hanging. We've got your back as
a parent. And we are honored to be on your team. Spend some time here on the
channel. We have so many videos about this and other topics that you're going
to find helpful as you get to be a more positive parent.