- I speak Spanish, too.
I'm fluent in Spanish.
I don't tell people, though.
I like to surprise 'em.
'Cause one of the perks about being black
and being fluent in Spanish is occasionally,
you get to hear other Spanish people
say racist shit about you right to your face.
(audience laughs)
That's always a good experience.
Sometimes it can get weird.
One time I was in an Uber,
and the driver was on the phone,
and he said something about me in Spanish.
So he got off the phone, I tried to let him know,
like, "You, I understood what you said about me."
And then he tried to pretend
that he didn't understand Spanish!
(audience laughs)
I was like, "But I just heard you,
I heard you speaking Spanish!
And you're wearing three rosaries!
(audience laughs and claps)
I know you understand Spanish, Alejandro!"
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
I'm in a good mood, too.
A lot of people, I'm always in a good mood,
that's kind of my thing, I'm always happy,
I'm always very positive.
People thing it's weird.
Lot of people ask me, "Ey, you're never angry?
Are you in therapy?
How come you're never angry?"
I don't do therapy.
This is how I deal with my aggression.
You guys can try it if you like.
Before I leave my house,
I like to listen to at least 45 minutes
of gangsta rap music.
(audience laughs)
That's black people therapy,
that's how we work on our issues.
Song about gunshots and police sirens,
it's like a white noise machine for us.
(audience laughs)
Makes us feel centered.
And I like old school rap, that's my favorite.
I like old school.
Tupac is my favorite rapper.
I love Tupac.
He's been dead over 20 years,
but his music still makes you relate
to things you never been through.
Stuff you never experienced,
you hear Tupac talk about it, you're like, "Yeah.
(audience laughs)
I know what you mean, Tupac.
(audience laughs)
I get it."
My favorite Tupac song is "Dear Mama."
"Dear Mama," that's a song he writes to his mom.
In it, he got a line where he says to his mom,
he says, "Even as a crack fiend, Mama,
you always were a black queen, Mama."
And I don't think my mom's ever tried crack,
but that did not stop me
from writing those lyrics on her Mother's Day card.
(audience laughs and claps)
Tupac had me inspired.
I was like, "Wait till you read this, Ma,
this is from the heart, I mean -
(audience laughs)
I mean this."
(audience laughs)
I like to joke around with my mom like that,
'cause she doesn't understand.
My mom speaks Spanish, that's her language,
'cause she was born in the Dominican Republic.
But she moved to this country as a teenager.
So she's been living in the United States
for over 45 years now,
still don't speak a word of English.
(audience laughs)
People think that's lazy.
I think that takes skill.
(audience laughs)
You know how committed you gotta be?
(audience laughs)
To live somewhere for 45 years
and not pick up on a single word?
(audience laughs)
That takes Navy SEAL-level training.
(audience laughs)
And I don't know why we say that to immigrants anyway.
That's what we expect from immigrants.
We're like, "If you're gonna move to this country,
you gotta learn our language
and adapt to our culture."
We say that, America.
The country that won't adapt to the metric system.
(audience laughs)
The international unit for measuring,
we're like, "Yeah, we're not gonna learn that."
(audience laughs)
And the rest of the world, they try to convince us.
You ever traveled abroad?
They try to talk you into it.
They're like, "Look, kilometers.
It's a lot easier."
(audience laughs)
And we're like, "Yeah, but we already made our signs,
so I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
We can't change, you guys gotta change, I'm sorry."
I think not adapting to society
is the most American thing you could do.
And I'm a proud American.
I was born and raised in New York City,
and if I ever had to live in another country,
I ain't adapting to shit.
(audience laughs)
I'm bringing New York City with me.
(audience laughs)
I gotta New York attitude,
I can't live anywhere else.
I could be in the nicest place,
I could be in Canada,
I get on the train, pissed off for no reason.
(audience laughs)
Like, "Yo, why nobody masturbatin' in here?"
(audience laughs)
Nobody masturbates on your trains?
I don't feel safe.
Take me home, I don't like it here.
(audience laughs)
What're you guys hiding, I don't like it.
(audience laughs)
I think that's one of the perks
about being from New York City.
Lotta people don't like New York,
'cause it's not that we're bad people,
it's just we deal with so many weirdos on a daily basis,
it's tough for us to care about
what the rest of the country cares about.
Like I travel now, I go all over the country,
there's places in this country
people are arguing about gender pronouns.
That's ridiculous.
People will argue with you about how you wanna be addressed.
That's crazy.
In New York, nobody's arguing about that.
You want me to call you "they"?
I'll call you "they."
There's a crack head in my neighborhood
I gotta call "Beyonce."
(audience laughs and claps)
That's what he go by,
he told us one day at the bus stop.
He was like, "Yo, my name is Beyonce!"
And then he started peeing on the bus, right by.
I was like, "Oh, Beyonce, love the name, we got it."
(audience laughs)
We don't got time to argue with you,
we got to go to work!
This is New York City!
(audience laughs)
I'll call you whatever you wanna be called!
(audience laughs)
One time it got awkward.
One time this dude wanted me to call him "King."
He told me his name was King Jonathan.
And I had no problems, like, "I'll call you King,"
but I wanted to make sure.
I was like, "Are you sure that your first name is King?"
He got upset that I even questioned him.
He was like, "Don't worry if my name is King, okay?
I think a king is somebody who knows their worth
and I know how much I'm worth,
so I consider myself a king."
I was like, "That's fine.
But Uber says I need to look for a Jonathan.
(audience laughs)
I don't know if you want to send 'em an email
and let 'em know about your kingdom,
but they probably don't know.
(audience laughs)
'Cause you drive a Toyota Corolla."
(audience laughs)
That's why I love being from this city.
A lot of people complain about the cost of living here,
which is true, cost of living is very high,
rent is very high,
but that's one of the benefits
of having a high cost of living.
Nobody judges you by what you do here.
If you survive in New York,
in New York, people kinda just encourage it.
All right, get it how you could get it, you know?
There's this dude on my block that sells water.
He sells those dollar Poland Springs bottles of water.
He's been selling waters for five years,
I never bought a water from him,
I always kind of just walk right by him.
The other day I was walking by
and he stopped me and he was like, "Hey, man.
Do you live on this block?"
And I was like, "Yeah, I live right up the street."
And he was like,
"Then you should definitely buy a water from me,
'cause I could easily be on your corner selling drugs."
I was like, "You easily could be selling drugs?
(audience laughs)
Then you should be selling drugs!"
(audience laughs and claps)
Like, "This is New York City!
You gotta have ambition to make it in New York City!"