-Here's a question that comes up sometimes, if my marriage is on the brink of divorce.
What can I do to save it?
Hi, we're Paul and Vicki Jenkins we're both professionals who work with people day in
and day out. We've also been married for over 30 years. We've got three steps for you that work
and it goes back to what we learned in elementary school about what to do when you're on fire. -Stop,
drop, and roll. You know, this happened to me right before I started elementary school. So, I hadn't
learned about it, my coat jackets caught on fire and when I started I was jumping around and
my dad was trying to get me to stop and hold still and roll around on the ground and so that is where
I first learned about stop, drop, and roll. -I hadn't forgotten that video. -Did you remember that story?
-You were actually on fire. You were like looking at homes or something and somebody's cigarette.
-Yeah, some man was. -Ignited your coat. -Ans it started on fire. -Well, when I came up with the
stop, drop, and roll. I remember in elementary school they used to teach us that and then boy scouts too.
Because sometimes you catch fire when you're in scouts. -Well, because unfortunately. But the thing
is when you're in a situation where you're like on fire, your first instinct is just to go and
start running around and you just kind of lose it right and that's why our first step is stop. -Stop.
So, if your marriage is on fire remember we're talking about being on the brink of
divorce. What can you do to save this thing? Stop and breathe. You need to regain your mind
because the panic that you feel sometimes in a desperate situation whether you're on fire or
your relationship is not going to help what you need to do. So, stop breathe and I mean literally,
take some deep breaths in through the nose, hold briefly, out through the mouth, nice and slow.
This changes your brain, it changes the flow of blood in your brain, and gives you access to the
parts of your brain that you need to use to solve this problem. -One of the things this stopping and
breathing does is it takes some of the urgency out of the situation. You'll feel like I have to
fix this right now but the problem I promised didn't start right now and so just take some of
the urgency out of it. That doesn't mean that it's not important, it is important.
But it's not necessarily urgent and so if you take a minute to stop and breathe it's going to put
yourself into a better place to think about how to act next. -I love what you said about
taking the urgency out. It's important but it's not urgent and during the time when you're stopping
and breathing we're also going to do some self-care. You need your very best self to show up
if we're going to make a difference in this relationship. So, do some self-care and I'm talking
about getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, getting regular exercise, having periods
of prayer and meditation for yourself, so that you can take care of the person that you're bringing
to this relationship. And sometimes, it's really important to find a trusted source to talk with
that can help you see your own thoughts and how they are making you show up. -So, you're
talking about like a coach, or an advisor, counselor. -You know, I've used coaching, and it
just really helps you take a step back and see how your experience thinks and how your choices.
I think a lot of the times we don't even think we have choices, right? And sometimes finding a
coach just opens your eyes to the fact that there are choices. -Helps to clear some of that head
trash that goes on and all the thinking that might be getting us stuck. I also love this analogy that
one of my coaches shared with me that, "You can't read a label from the inside of the bottle", and so you
need somebody on the outside of the bottle to help you read the label. -So, the first step is stop.
-If we go back to our on fire analogy it's stop, drop, and roll, right? So, let's go to drop next.
What you're going to drop primarily is your need to be right. -Man, this is a hard one. But once you can drop
the need to be right it opens up the opportunity to focus on the relationship. -You're also
dropping your need for that other person to change. After three decades of clinical experience.
I can't tell you how often a couple comes in and and they both want me to change their spouse.
Your need to have that other person change is getting in the way and it's creating
a dynamic that's not helpful. So, we have to drop our need to be right. I was just thinking about
my friend Brett Williams, he wrote a book the title You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married.
-And it's funny but there's a lot of truth to that. -There really is. So, you drop your need to be right.
You drop your need for anyone else including your spouse to change anything. Now, you're going to have
some resistance at this point, most likely. Because you know that they need to change something. -Well
and you know, and you're right that things would be easier if they changed. -Things would be better
if they shaped up easier and better. -But that's not who you're in control of, right? So, we're going to
drop the need to be right and be willing to examine what can I do. -Well, here's the other
rationale for that and it goes back to some research that was done by the Gottman institute
Doctors John and Julie Gottman and others have replicated this where they found the number one
problem that comes up in a relationship starts with criticism, okay. They called it the four
horsemen of the apocalypse, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and the criticism comes
when someone else wants you to change something. Think about it, if I come to you and say, "Look,
you really need to change something", you're gonna feel criticized even if I don't intend it that way.
So, we're gonna throw you a bone here because guess what? You're right.
You are right, things would be better if your spouse shaped up but that's not helpful. Because
as soon as you think that they feel criticized and then boom we're off to the races with the conflict.
Before we get to the role part of our strategy I'm going to be sharing with you nine principles.
You don't have to scramble to write these down. I've got them on a pdf for you just go to the URL
on the screen drpauljenkins.com/9principles. You're going to want to have this in
your hand so go grab it. -So, our final strategy is to roll, roll out a new strategy if you think your
marriage is on the brink of divorce. -You know, I'm remembering I went to the conference where
the ottomans presented that research I referred to earlier and I came home from that conference
all pumped up and excited because of everything that I had learned and I was sharing it with you
and you said something so brilliant that stuck with me all of these years. You said, "Oh, so do
more of what works and less of what doesn't. Is that what you learned in a couple of days, Paul?",
and I'm like, "Yeah, you just summed it up", -And I remember hearing it in some sort of a conference
or something where when you were dating you kind of knew what worked and then you got married and
you stopped doing it you did things that didn't work anymore. So we need to roll out new strategies
of things we know that work and just be willing to stick with those for a while. -The research is
really clear about this. We know what doesn't work I already shared that with you criticism is going
to kill a relationship. So, instead of doing that what do we do? The nine principles hopefully you
grab that pdf. Let's put the URL back up on the screen drpauljenkins.com/9principles.
These nine principles are guaranteed. Now, when I say guaranteed usually people's skepticism
meters go off just stick with me for a minute. I have been a shrink for three decades. I have seen
crazy stuff you can't shock me and in that 30 years or more of clinical practice I have never
seen anything that couldn't be resolved in a marriage with the proper application of these
nine principles. That's how powerful they are and I've seen some pretty goofy stuff.
So, these nine principles work. Let me just give you a little preview of what we're looking at here.
The first one is positivity. When I say positivity I'm coming from my background as a professional
psychologist. I don't mean the trite fluffy just think positive that you hear from those
motivational speakers out there. I mean, learn how to operate the equipment of your own mind.
That's what positivity is for me and it's the starting place of everything else because it
literally affects how you think. How you think affects how you feel. How you feel affects how you
show up in this relationship. It has to be the starting point and that's only the first
of these nine principles. -Remember these nine principles are in context of rolling them out.
It's really important to remember that you are the one rolling them out you're not
steamrolling them over your spouse and saying, "You have to do this", these are what I can do
if my marriage is on the brink of divorce. -The good news about this is you can make a positive
impact on this relationship even if you're the only one working on it and that's good news.
There's nine of these principles, we're not going to go into all nine here in this video.
But grab that pdf once again drpauljenkins.com/9principles we've got them
all on the list there for you. Now, here's how you use it and Vicki you just led into this because it's
not something to beat up your spouse with. It's not something you going to say, "Oh, you need to do this
one and this one and this one", better because even though you're right that's not helpful.
These are for personal use only. Can I re-emphasize that for you? These are for personal use only. So,
you look at the list and you ask yourself. Okay, which of these nine principles can I apply? Which
of them can I work on? I guarantee you're gonna find at least three or four. -But what if you can't
save this marriage? -I got a bonus for you. Remember, I promised this at the beginning. Here's the thing
with those nine principles. Those principles guarantee the best outcomes for you regardless
of the status of your marriage. Here's what I mean, let's say that this marriage does go to a divorce
and sometimes they do because it's a team sport. You can't unilaterally save this marriage.
You can make a big impact like we've talked about. But what if you can't save it?
You're still in the best position to apply those nine principles if your marriage doesn't last. Most
people when they get into a situation where a divorce occurs they abandon some of the nine
principles. -Definitely. -Like, positivity we already mentioned that one. But what about forgiveness
and respect and compassion and love? Those are all on the list. They throw those out the window
and instead, they go to blame and bitterness and anger. Do you know any bitter angry divorced people?
It's kind of a silly question but we all know. -And we're talking about divorce
but what if you have children involved in this yeah and you know I work with kids
day in and day out and the kids that really struggle the most are the parents who have
abandoned. -Those nine principles. Those nine moral principles and are so mean to each other
that their children are suffering. -That's the bonus. The nine principles are going to help you
either way. So, grab those get busy focusing on what can I apply from that list of nine principles
and you're guaranteed to have better outcomes. Remember, you don't have to do this on your own.
We've got those nine principles all ready to send to you drpauljenkins.com/9principles.
We'll get that PDF in your hands, good luck with this.