Not every SCP can be a winner. Take a look at some of the entries in the
sandbox, and understand that writing is a difficult, complicated craft.
To make something interesting, well-formatted, and compliant with an entire pre-existing
universe is a monumental task. So of course, there are a bunch of writers
just dicking around with the format and making dumb jokes.
These aren’t gonna make it into the mainline list of entries, but there’s gotta be a
place for all of these joke entries to go, right?
Enter -J classification. The joke SCPs. These are entries that are silly, goofy, nonsensical,
or just plain stupid, made for the enjoyment of the community without being taken too seriously.
Some of these jokes are as lasting as major entries.
Some are just one-off gags created with the sole purpose of making a very niche group
of people exhale out of their noses. It’s fun for the whole family!
Hello horror heads, and welcome back to the scariest channel on YouTube: Top5ScaryVideos.
I’m your horror host, Keegan Hughes, and today we’re counting down the top 5 SCPs
that are ABSOLUTE JOKES. Prepare your sides, they might just fly off.
Before we get going, make sure to give this video a big thumbs up, and subscribe for more
maniacal mockery. Outrageous, so what’s the deal with airplane
food? NUMBER FIVE: SCP 7475-J
Shark punchers rejoice: your hero has arrived. This is Turbo Shark Pulverizer 6000, the smiter
of the deep sea. This heavily mutated humanoid was discovered
roaming the Pacific Ocean, seeking out sharks to punch.
Clocking in at over 2 meters, with the ability to withstand insane water pressure, swim at
over 80kmph, and secrete moistening fluid to survive on land, this is a mean, lean,
shark punching machine. He claims to be the Shark Punching Center’s
top agent, and nobody can really disagree with that.
7475-J is constantly demanding to be provided with sharks to punch, is capable of punching
at 85kg per square centimeter while punching sharks, and indeed was originally discovered
while, you guessed it, punching a shark. In fact, Turbo Shark Pulverizer 6000 refuses
to engage in situations not involving sharks, and is actually quite weak while not punching
sharks. He’s not very smart either; boasting an
IQ of 65, this fiend is aggressively single-minded, and will often forget that things other than
sharks exist. You would think that the threat level of a
shark-minded weirdo would be low, but he’s actually caused a fair deal of trouble while
in containment. The first containment breach occurred because
he was bored of waiting for a new shark to be delivered.
Instead of biding his time, TSP6000 requested a set of kid’s snorkeling gear with a shark
motif. The mask was then forced on random passersby,
and once sufficiently shark-like, he would then punch these folks in the face.
Another containment breach involved punching people for apparently being part of a shark-loving
agenda, despite not looking at all like sharks. This shark-obsession ended up being 7475-J’s
downfall. A researcher offhandedly told him he must
be part shark, based on his rough, grey skin and underwater abilities.
This sent the predator pummeller into a trance, in which he constantly punched himself in
the face. He threw enough self-inflicted punches to
cause brain damage and amnesia. Now, researchers are constantly reminding
the shark puncher that he is part shark in order to keep it contained.
There’s a couple lines from the transcript that read:
NO, I HAVE TO PUNCH THE SHARKS! No, 7475, you ARE the sharks.
Poetic. NUMBER FOUR: SCP-2206
While not officially a -J entry, this one is funny and creative enough to warrant a
spot on the list. 2206 is an anomalous radio broadcast coming
from another dimension, detailing the exploits of teams in the MLB.
Not Major League Baseball, mind you, it’s MAXIMUM League Baseball.
The broadcast can’t be contained or stopped, so folks over at the foundation have started
a disinformation campaign to make the public think it’s a popular parody of the baseball
culture they love so very much. This has led to the creation of a fictional
website, merchandise, advertisements, and the staging of live shows emulating the broadcasts.
Honestly, I get it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they updated
it to have a podcast too. The baseball being played in this league is
noticeably different than the sport so widely enjoyed.
Batters can only advance if they hit the ball, no walks allowed.
The playing field is larger, and the fences around it are extra tall and strong to protect
the audience. On-field fights are common, if not expected,
and seen as a legitimate way of contesting a call.
Injuries and fatalities are normal, and use of performance enhancers is mandatory.
This just sounds like a great way to ramp up interest in traditional baseball!
Mandatory juicing! Imagine the possibilities! Every team in this league has a real-world
correspondent, and they’ve all got some hilarious backstories behind them.
The Boston Red Shirts hold the record for most fatalities in a single game, in which
they lost their entire roster and had to draft spectators onto the team. They won the bout
1-0. The Detroit Wolverines appear to have a few
immortal teammates. The Houston Colt .45’s are responsible for
the 1972 ban on firearm use during play. The list goes on and on.
NUMBER THREE: SCP-729-J Just leave it alone, okay?
Nobody wants to be near this thing, just let it be.
Fine… fine, I’ll explain it to you. 729-J is a plushie made from the devil’s
couch stuffing. Not literally, but that is a line in the containment
procedures. Everyone and everything is afraid to go near
this thing. And it looks like a rabbit marshmallow peep.
Even MTF Nu-7 HAMMER DOWN refuses to approach it.
The reign of terror began during a containment breach involving 106.
The corrosive, pocket-dimension creating old man had cornered the good Dr. Hessen before
it spotted 729-J and backed away slowly, never breaking line of sight.
The entire time it kept both middle fingers up, which is completely understandable.
Eventually it rematerialized in it’s containment chamber, and remained there for quite some
time. After this, 729-J had many run-ins with scary
and dangerous SCPs, all of whom were paralyzed with fear.
2006 screeched, and turned into something resembling 729-J. It has not transformed since.
When tossed into the 1322 wormhole, the yellow plush bunny was returned in under 6 minutes
tied to a white flag. 303, the door demon, actually opened the door,
and quickly ushered the rabbit and the person holding it through.
The only non-fear-stricken person is Dr. Hessen, who claims it’s just a normal plushie that
she ordered online as a little gift to herself. Yeah, right. Tell us where you really got
it. The Factory, right? NUMBER TWO: SCP-049-J
You all know the Plague Doctor, now meet the Plague Fellow.
Do you remember that painting of Jesus that got restored and ended up looking really…
derpy? Yeah, this is basically 049, but restored
like that. 049-J is a humanoid entity wearing the period
appropriate garb of a medieval plague doctor. If you look under its mask and robes, you’ll
find moss, wadded up tissue, and other, smaller plague doctor masks.
Most of the time, this one is compliant with the Foundation, but for whatever reason it
will often blatantly lie and sweat profusely. It claims to be a powerful magical doctor
wizard, capable of curing anything. It is unable to cure literally anything, and
usually just makes everything worse. While not really anomalous, 049-J is really
good at evading capture and escaping. The Foundation mostly keeps him around to
see what he does next. Maybe he will actually pull of some magic.
He speaks like a buffoon trying to sound intelligent, and the interview log attached to the file
is one of the most hilarious I can remember. “Yes, hmm, quite very well, I have the cure
good sir, indubitably yes, I am a doctor.” Would you trust this man with your life?
He was presented with a patient suffering from a sore throat.
Quiz time! Did he A: administer some sort of anti-inflammatory
B: Advise the patient to drink lots of fluids Or C: Beat them to death with a shoe.
I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on that one.
After claiming to snfffffff smell pestilence, and absolutely mutilating his patients, he’ll
often slip away. Usually this is accomplished through a good
bamboozling of any attending personnel. Hey look! More pestilence!
Seeya! NUMBER ONE: SCP-420-J
You know what it is. The GOOD stuff.
Yeah……. This entry is basically an extended log of
two extremely stoned researchers trying to write something that looks like a normal entry.
Genius. They claim to have found some really good
stuff back in Jamaica, and brought it back to experiment on.
The greenery is put through SCP-914 on VERY FINE, which made it very fine indeed.
Once finished with the foliage, they then plant the remaining seeds in SCP-124 to make
it grow faster, which works very well for them.
The rest of the entry consists of them giving it to different SCP’s and seeing what happens.
Which quickly devolves into cheesy pot jokes about monsters.
Hey, man, what if we gave some of this to that freaky statue thing?
Why man, he’s like, already stoned! In my head I’m picturing Shaggy and Scooby
Doo as Foundation researchers. There’s an extended experiment log that
makes me chuckle, and I’d recommend checking it out yourself.
They think about giving it to 682, seeing what happens if Bobble the Clown gets his
grubby little clown fingers on it, hell they even give it to the cursed basketball DVR.
This stuff is very anomalous if it can impart some intoxicating effects on things without
lungs. The last piece of the extended log is my favourite
though, where someone accidentally drops their huhhhh jazz cigarette on the steps in SCP-087.
Somebody got a picture of what happened next, and I have to admit that I sat there with
my head in my hands for a little while after seeing the result.
Try explaining what makes this funny to someone who isn’t hopelessly immersed in SCP content.
Don’t do drugs, kids. Maybe avoid SCP addiction, too.
OUTRO So? Did you chuckle?
Have your eyes been opened to a wide world of dumb, jokey SCPs?
Which joke SCP is your favourite? Should we do more of these?
Make sure you let me know down in the comments. Speaking of comments, let’s take a look
at some of your more vivacious ones from the TOP 5 SCARIEST SCP CREATURES THAT MANAGED
TO ESCAPE - PART 4: Kermit the Thot Slayer says “If I was on
death row, I’d eat 6lbs worth of bacon with a diet coke to watch my figure.”
Kermit! You… you’d eat bacon? What would Miss Piggy say?
ArcmageZaln says “I wonder how they keep SCP 1838 from places like the Super Bowl?”
It’s my own personal canon that anomalies just really don’t like football. I can’t
explain why, but they really don’t care for it.
Justin Flemings says “My last meal would be myself”
That’s hardcore. Imprisoned for cannibalism. Death by autocannibalism.
goaTbOi12 999 says “R.I.P. Keegan’s lunch” I… I really appreciate your support in this
trying time. Appreciate your lunches while they’re still here, you never really know
what you’ve got til it’s gone. Jozsef Vikar says “I have found a Yoda PEZ
Dispenser during one of my walks in the woods. Can it be an SCP?”
Hmmmmm. An SCP it can be, if you write it. Just uhhhh be careful, Disney’s corporate
lawyers are always watching… And that’s all the time we have for today!
Before I try to enter Terabithia on a rainy day, make sure to give this video a big thumbs
up, and subscribe for more humorous happenings. Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next
time.