Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I'm joined here with my 17 year old son Porter
and today we are going to be role playing the four basic skills of self-government.
In this video we're going to talk a little bit about self-government and what it is and why
these four basic skills are so important and then Porter and I are going to show you some role plays
of what these four basic skills might look like. Porter, we're talking about self-government today
and self-government has really changed our family. When I say changed, you probably don't remember it
because you were a baby and you've just always been raised but trust me, it has changed me
as a mom. I'm a pretty calm person but I didn't used to be. There was a time when I got angry and
it's because I did not understand self-government. So, let me share my definition of self-government.
Self-government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation
and possessing a knowledge of your own behaviors so that you can control them. I started teaching
foster children self-government before you were even born, Porter, that's how long ago it
was. He's 17, it was like 20 something years ago but we took in foster children that were all
between the ages of 12 and 18 for multiple years doing treatment foster care and during that time,
we recognized that their whole hearts and outlooks on life would change if they could learn the
skills and principles of self-government. So in my best-selling book Parenting A House United I talk
about the way to set up an environment so that a whole family can learn self-government. So, this
means we're going to be teaching in this book four basic skills and we're going to role play those
for you today. But there's also five skills for parents, they're teaching styles for how to correct
problems, how to help a child when they're having out of control behavior, how to make sure that the
child is taught what to do in the first place, how to have appropriate meetings and follow-up
sessions with the child. There are many things that I talk about in here to help handle literally any
family problem that you could find but today we're just going to focus on the four basic
skills because those four basic skills truly are the recipe that is underneath all of the other
components. So, Porter these books right here which one of them has your name on it. Porter Earns A Quarter
are all about your siblings and each one of these books teaches one of the four basic skills.
So, Porter talk to me, London Larae Says Okay teaches what? Following instructions. Following
instructions, we're going to talk about that one. Porter Earns A Quarter teaches what? Accepting
"no" answers. Accepting "no" answers and criticism, same skill set and then Big Win for Quinn,
big brother. What does that one teach? Accepting consequences. Accepting consequences. It's important
to accept consequences. If a person does not get the opportunity to accept consequences, they can't
learn self-government. They can't. Otherwise all their problems will be somebody else's fault. They
have to know that. Okay last one, big sister Paige. What does Paige Takes The Stage teach? Disagreeing
appropriately. Disagreeing appropriately. This one is vital so that everyone can feel like they are
understood. Now out of all four of these, Porter, people are gonna expect this green one to be
your favorite but what's your favorite? The purple one. The purple one, disagreeing appropriately. Why?
Because it gives you a chance to be heard without being yelled at. Yeah, I mean do we yell at you
though? No. We never yell at you but it's true. You feel like if I start getting angry, I'm gonna yell
which then means maybe somebody else will yell. It's called a power struggle but if you can be
understood without a power struggle, all the better, right, and that's what disagreeing appropriately
does for Porter and for all of us in the Peck family. so, let's talk about these four basic skills
and how to use them. Porter we're gonna do some role plays and that's kind of fun because we
like to act out and be a little- well, I shouldn't say act out, act up, no that's bad. we
just like to act anyway. So we're gonna do some acting but before we do that acting,
Porter, we've got a special message to deliver to our viewing audience which is what? Subscribe.
Totally, subscribe. Click the button. There are so many videos on this channel you're not going to
want to miss them so subscribe now. Alright so Porter we're going to first start with
following instructions. We need to do a role play on what that looks like so that people know
how to use this skill and it's actually not that tough, right? So let's do a reminder on the steps.
So, the steps to following instruction are look at the person with a calm face, voice and body,
say okay or ask to disagree appropriately, do the task immediately and check back. Okay that seems
intricate but it's really not bad, right? Porter can do it like in his sleep. You've probably dreamed it.
Probably. We've done it so many times. Okay so Porter let's say I'm the mom and you're the son.
I know that's a stretch but let's go ahead and go with that and I'm going to give you an instruction.
Now when I give an instruction, I always say I need you to whatever it is and I might follow
it up with a please but I don't usually say will you please because I don't want to be passive
and Porter's kind of smart. He could even have a tendency to be strong-willed sort of smart alecy
in a little way and so Porter if I were to say Porter would you please do the dishes? What might a
strong-willed kind of smart alecky person say? No. Oh, see because I asked a question. So, we're going
to keep things really straight forward and I am going to give him an instruction using the deepest
level of communication, which is a need level which is totally appropriate for a family member
like a parent to need a child to do something so this is what it looks like when Porter looks at
the person keeps a calm face, voice and body, says okay or asks to disagree appropriately,
does the task immediately and then checks back. Porter, I need you to sweep the floor. Okay? Okay
mom, I did that is there anything else. Porter, let's take a look. Wow, you did a great job. You
know you looked right at me, you kept a calm face, voice and body, you said okay then you did the task
immediately and then checked back. You did a great job at following instructions and because you did
it so quickly, you can have more time to play your game. Now high five. Okay, so that's it, that's how it
works. Do you see how simple it is? He literally just had to be calm and look at me and say okay
and then check back but did you see what happened when he checked back what do i
always do when you check back? Praise. Praise because when a person learns self-government.
They are learning cause and effect. So when good things happen then they need to get praised.
When someone makes the wrong choice then they need a correction. This is the type of feedback that's
gonna be helpful. Okay so Porter which one of the four basic skills do you want to role play next?
Let's do accepting "no" answers. Okay all right Porter let's do accepting "no" answers. How about
you tell everybody what are the steps to accepting a "no" answer? Look at the person
with a calm face, voice and body, say okay or ask to disagree appropriately and drop the
subject. Okay four steps, it's even more simple than the other one but what is the hardest of
those steps? Drop the subject. Oh, why is it so hard? Because you have to say okay and be okay.
Let's do one where I don't drop the subject. We're gonna have you be daddy, okay, and I'll be the child.
Let's do one where I don't drop the subject so that people can see what that might look like
you know because there's a lot of different ways that people don't drop the subject.
They sometimes pout, whine, won't talk to you go and ask dad or mom if they're gonna make a different
decision you know keep talking about it, bringing it up again and again. It could look different so
let's practice it the wrong way. Me doing it the wrong way, you be the right way every time and
then we'll do it the right way. Does that sound good? Yep. Okay so I'm gonna ask you a question
and then you give me a no answer. All right let me see. Dad, can I use your car tonight for a date?
I'm gonna give you a "no" answer. Do you remember the steps to accepting "no" answer. Yeah, you look at the
person, you keep a calm face, voice and body, you say okay or disagree appropriately and then you drop
the subject. All right good job. I'm gonna have to give you a "no" answer because I need my car tonight.
Okay, Nicholeen just now. Oh, wait Porter, you're gonna correct me. You are awesome. Okay I'm gonna
stop him at the beginning of that correction. So Porter knows exactly what to do. e knows exactly
the words that I will say every single time. He has lived with this since he was born. He knows this, he
can teach this it's so good but you see that he knew exactly I did not do it. Even if I was gonna
go walk away, he knows that's not okay. We're not going to leave an interaction not calm like that
and not dropping the subject. So now let's do it the right way. Hey dad can I use your car tonight?
I'm gonna give you a "no" answer. Do you remember the steps to accepting "no" answer? Yeah, you look at the
person, you keep a calm face, voice and body, you say okay or ask to disagree appropriately and then you
drop the subject. Great job. The answer is no, you can't use my car tonight. I need it.
Okay. Great job. All right so now he's telling me I did good so you're praising me for accepting
a "no" answer so I get that positive feedback that was kind of a short one,
it's usually a good idea and appraised to give a little bit more extensive feedback
but still, super good there. So, Porter knows I did everything just right and I dropped the subject.
Porter, I feel like there's another skill we could use right now in our role plays that
would give me a little bit more of a voice because people might be wondering like well but what if
she really needs it for something important? Does she just have to say okay
and the answer is no. I can say okay or disagree appropriately. Disagree appropriately. So let's talk
about disagree appropriately. All right so Porter, we're gonna do disagree appropriately. Remember the
steps to disagreeing appropriately are you look at the person, you keep a calm face, voice and body,
you say that you understand the other person's point of view, you share your point of view,
you listen to what they have to say and then you say okay and drop the subject. So I'm going to be
doing all those things. You see that I am dropping the subject in this one too which means at the end,
if he still says no then I have to say okay and be done with it. I can't hold on to it anymore.
Okay are you ready? Yep. All right we're gonna do the same role play that we have been doing all the
way along and then we'll maybe mix it up and we'll do another one where you're the child and I'm the
parent. Okay. Dad, can I use your car tonight? I'm gonna give you a "no" answer. Do you remember the
steps to accepting "no" answer? Yeah, you look at the person, you keep a calm face, voice and body,
you say okay or you asked to disagree appropriately and then you drop the
subject. All right great job. I'm gonna have to give you a no answer because I need the car tonight.
Okay may I disagree appropriately? Yeah. Okay thanks dad so I understand that you don't want me to
use the car tonight because you have to use the car tonight but it's Porter's birthday
tomorrow and I wanted to get him a gift for his birthday and I felt like tonight I could probably
go after I was done with my homework so is there some other way that I could get to the store
or something like that so that I could get him a birthday gift before his birthday tomorrow?
You know that's a good point, I didn't think of that but I still have to go into work but
you could ask Quinn to take you. Oh okay, thanks dad. All right so dad gave me a solution to my
problem because I chose to disagree appropriately. Now Porter, would disagree appropriately if I ever
say to you dad may I disagree appropriately, the answer is what yes, aha but then in the
end he still gave me a no answer. I had to say okay about it but and then he gave me another solution
so I was fine with that, it was totally great. Sometimes the answer might just be no and that's
it, it's no and then I have to just still accept it even if there's not another solution that's
given, that's just how it goes. But you want to teach your children that if they ask to disagree
appropriately especially if it's the first time they are asking for that one interaction, that
you will definitely hear them out and say yes. Now if they're just using it to wear you down, that's
a different thing and we can talk about that on a different video. So Porter let's practice me being
the mom, you being the porter and I'm going to let you ask me a question this time and do a disagree
appropriately. Okay all right. Actually let's do a different one. I'm going to give you an instruction
and you don't want to do the instruction and so you're going to disagree appropriately. Does that
sound good? Okay. Porter I have an instruction for you. I need you to load the dishwasher. Okay? Okay
can I disagree appropriately? Sure. Mom, I understand that you want me to load the dishwasher but I am
actually in the middle of cleaning my room so can I finish that first? Oh that's right. I've
already told you to clean your room and you are doing such a great job sticking on task with that.
Yes, let's go ahead and have you do the room and then afterward, after you've checked back for that,
then we can start the dishes. Thanks so much for bringing that to my attention. You did a great job
at disagreeing appropriately and just bringing things to light. High five.
Okay so there you go. Disagreeing appropriately. It totally works, it should work most of the time
especially if it's not a really big issue. So make sure that you help the children with that.
Now there's one skill that we are not done yet which we definitely have to role play, let's do
that one now. All right the last one we have to do is accepting consequences and remember this one's
super vital for teaching cause and effect. So what happens is Porter is not going to do something
that he should have done. One of the steps, he's going to miss it then I'm going to correct him
and he's going to accept the consequence. So to accept a consequence, Porter will look at me,
keep a calm face, voice and body, say okay or disagree appropriately and then he will do
his consequence. He's just gonna pretend it for now and then he will check back and drop the subject.
So, Porter let's practice accepting a consequence, okay? We're going to start with an instruction. I
think that's going to be probably the best way to go so I'll give you an instruction and then
you miss one of the steps and then I will do a correction and you'll get the opportunity to
accept that negative consequence. Okay all right, Porter, I need you to clean the bathroom please.
Okay all right Porter, just now I gave you an instruction and you looked at me for a second
but then kind of looked away and you didn't keep a calm face and voice and body. You went
and you did say okay though which was great and I know you were going to go and do that
and I want to honor that because that shows me that even though you weren't in the mood, you
were still a little bit willing but we didn't keep calm so we weren't following instructions.
What you should have done is you should have kept a calm face, voice and body and then done the task
immediately and then checked back. Since you chose not to do that, you've earned an extra chore. Okay?
Okay great job of saying okay. All right Porter for your extra chore, I need you to dust the countertop
over there and so what we're gonna do is have you dust the countertop and check back and then
you'll get the opportunity to go and do your other chore. All right okay, okay good job on saying okay.
You looked right at me, you're just staying totally calm, okay go ahead and do that and then check back.
Mom, I wipe the countertop off, is there anything else? Oh, let's take a look at that,
that looks really great. You didn't miss a spot. I gotta tell you Porter, I know that your heart
is in the right place because you have maintained calm this whole time of accepting the correction,
you did a great job of following through with your extra chore and checking back. I think we're going
to do a few practices on following instructions and then you can go ahead and do your original
chore. Okay okay. Now we're not going to do those practices in front of you because that
takes a little bit more time but just know that part of a good correction is doing those practices.
Porter and I have been working at these skills since Porter was born and I've got
to tell you it's made a difference in his life. Porter is there anything that you want to tell
anybody about how these skills have impacted you? It made me a more calm person, a more
confident person and they've just really blessed my life. Yeah, they've united our family too in such
a way that we can solve problems without having to be upset at each other or power struggling which
is super powerful. If you have enjoyed this video, I am pretty sure you're going to love the next video
which is a full class. In fact it's a course, it's 10 modules and you can learn all about calmness so
go to the description below this video. There's a link it says teachselfgov.com/toolkit. Click
on that link and you can have the calm parenting toolkit for free and we will be sharing with you
other skills to improve your calmness. There's so much to self-government, we've just scratched
the surface today but as you can see, it truly is transformational and not too hard either.