♪ Dramatic Yelp Reviews ♪
-Now, you should know that all these Yelp reviews and responses
are 100% real.
For each of these, I'll be playing the customer,
and Aziz will be playing the owner, okay?
[ Clears throat ]
Here's the first one.
I'll get in character.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Light laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
What?
-Wow.
-Wow!
Whoa! My bad.
-That got heated -- That got heated fast.
-Real quick.
Whoa.
That's the owner saying that.
All right, here we go.
Whew.
Let's do another one here.
-All right.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Light laughter ]
-[ Scoffs ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-That would be good
if they did sign up for that loyalty program.
[ Both laugh ]
All right, so we switched it up a little bit on this next one.
This one is for a dentist's office.
-Oh.
Okay.
-Yeah.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-Ooh!
Ohh!
All right.
I -- I feel like any film
where within the first five minutes
there's topless women "prancing around,"
it's pretty apparent from the cover that's what you're in for.
[ Laughter ]
-Exactly.
I-I don't even know -- Yeah.
Why would you even --
Well, why would you choose that film?
-Also, if you're the dentist,
just take the one with nudity out.
[ Laughter ]
Who's like, "You got anything with a little nudity,
maybe a little Diane Lane 'Unfaithful' action?
I want to see a little
bonin' while I'm getting my cavity filled."
[ Laughter ]
You can say "boning"!
[ Laughter ]
-No. -They're not bleeping --
You don't need to bleep -- You don't --
If anyone here is a guest on a late-night talk show,
just so you know,
"boning" doesn't need to be bleeped, as far as I know.
[ Laughter ]
-I don't know for a fact.
-I wonder what's happening at home right now.
Is that being bleeped?
Do they know what I'm saying?
-No, we describe it as something else --
-Spelled B-O-N-I-N-G.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-And it involves --
the definition is taking a bone out of a steak.
-Yes, exactly.
[ Laughter ]
-Legally, I think, now we can say "boning."
[ Laughter ]
If you give it --
No, it's when you take a bone and you shove it into a --
-Hey, hey, whoa, no, hey!
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, that would be de-boning.
-I just want to get my --
I just want to get my cavity filled.
That's all I...
[ Laughter ]
I didn't -- They made that joke.
I didn't make that joke.
-Exactly.
-You made it, yourself.
They made that joke themselves.
-We were talking about teeth.
We were talking about the dentist, teeth, exactly.
-Next time, we should actually get these people in here
so we can find out what really happened.
-Yeah, I would do that. I would do that.
Just want to see actually what happened.
'Cause they're real people.
-I'd love to meet that crazy dentist.
[ Laughter ]
-Here we go. We have time for one more.
This one's actually from an auto-repair shop, okay?
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
That is up for an Emmy Award, right there!
Aziz Ansari!