LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DAVE CHAPPELLE!
♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU AGAIN. YOU KNOW, BEEN A LONG TIME.
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. SO PLEASE BE PATIENT.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN
THE ELECTION. I DID SUSPECT IT.
SEEMED LIKE HILLARY WAS DOING WELL IN THE POLLS AND YET -- I
KNOW THE WHITES. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS AREN'T AS SURPRISED AS YOU USED TO BE.
AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF BLACK AMERICA WHEN I SAY THAT WE
ARE ALL PRAYING FOR AMEROSA. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE'S
DOING IN THE NEWS. BUT AMERICA'S DONE IT.
WE'VE ACTUALLY ELECTED AN INTERNET TROLL AS OUR PRESIDENT.
THE WHITES ARE SERIOUS. NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.
HAVEN'T SEEN WHITES THIS MAD SINCE O.J.
SCREAMING WHITE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES, AAHHH!
I'M NOT SAYING I'M ENJOYING IT, I'M JUST SAYING I'VE NEVER SEEN
THIS BEFORE. I WATCHED A WHITE RIOT IN
PORTLAND, OREGON, ON TELEVISION THE OTHER NIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] NEWS SAID THEY DID A MILLION
DOLLARS' WORTH OF DAMAGE. EVERY BLACK PERSON WATCHING WAS
LIKE, AMATEURS. I'M STAYING OUT OF IT.
IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE KAEPERNICK AND LET THE WHITES FIGURE THIS
OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.
HOW MANY OF YOU THINK IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE'RE
DEALING WITH? DON'T FORGET.
DON'T FORGET ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON.
SHOOTINGS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
ALL THESE SHOOTINGS THE LAST YEAR.
THE WORST MASS SHOOTINGS IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.
PULSE NIGHTCLUB WHICH SHE SAID ISIS DID.
TURNED OUT THAT WASN'T EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED, THEN ISIS IS SCARIER THAN I THOUGHT,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE VERY DEEP COVER OPERATIVES.
GOING OUT DEEP FOR THIS ONE, I MIGHT HAVE TO GET A GRINDER
ACCOUNT. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUMP A FEW GUYS OFF TO THROW THEM OFF THE TRAIL.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE LEDGED ALLEGIANCE TO ISIS BEFORE HE DID
WHAT HE DID. WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING
IN ISIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE I WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX
WITH A GIRL, RIGHT BEFORE I DID I SCREAMED OUT WUTANG.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M IN THE WU-TANG CLAN.
THAT JUST MEANS I'M SHOUTING WUTANG OUT.
MORE SHOOTINGS THAN I CAN LITERALLY COUNT.
YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE GODDAMN ZOO WITHOUT SEEING SHOOTING OUT
THERE. THEY SHOT A GORILLA AT MY LOCAL
ZOO. THE CINCINNATI POLICE SAID
SHOOTING THAT GORILLA WAS THE TOUGHEST DECISION ITS DEPARTMENT
EVER HAD TO MAKE. I SAID, YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE A
LOT OF N -- IN GORILLA COSTUMES THEN.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT? WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT BLACK
LIVES MATTER? NOW I ADMIT THAT IS NOT THE BEST
SLOGAN. BUT McDONALD'S ALREADY TOOK, YOU
DESERVE A BREAK TODAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I GUESS IT'S KIND OF CATCHY BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BITING
IT. EVEN THE POLICE BITE IT.
BLUE LIVES MATTER. WHAT, WAS YOU BORN A POLICE?
THAT IS NOT A BLUE LIFE, IT'S A BLUE SUIT.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT? TAKE THAT BLUE SUIT OFF, FIND A
NEW JOB. IF I COULD QUIT BEING BLACK
TODAY, I'D BE OUT OF THE GAME. THAT IS THE NEXT BEST THING, I
BECAME A RICH BLACK PERSON. WHICH IS HARDER THAN YOU'D
THINK. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW.
YOUR LIFE BECOMES GENTRIFIED. LIKE BROOKLYN.
ALL YOUR BLACK FRIENDS START MOVING OUT, ALL THESE NEW WHITE
FRIENDS START MOVING IN. YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING THINGS
TO FRIENDS YOU GREW UP WITH THAT YOU NEVER DREAMED YOU'D SAY.
SORRY, YOU CAN'T COME WITH US, ONLY ENOUGH ROOM IN THE BALLOON
BASKET FOR FOUR. [ LAUGHTER ]
DONALD TRUMP, HE DID IT. HE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
I FEEL BAD SAYING IT. I'M STAYING AT THE TRUMP HOTEL
RIGHT NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT BUT HE
MAKES A SWELL HOTEL SUITE, I TELL YOU THAT.
HOUSEKEEPING COMES IN IN THE MORNING, CLEANS MY ROOM.
GOOD MORNING, HOUSEKEEPING. GRAB A BIG HANDFUL OF PUSSY.
BOSS SAID IT WAS OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
SORRY ABOUT THAT, LORNE. ALL MY BLACK FRIENDS WHO HAVE
MONEY SAID THE SAME THING WHEN TRUMP GOT ELECTED.
THAT'S IT, BRO, I'M OUT. I'M LEAVING THE COUNTRY.
I DO COMING WITH US? NO, I'M GOOD, I'M GOING TO GET
THIS TAX BREAK, SEE HOW IT WORKS OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S HOW IT IS BEING DAVE
CHAPPELLE. FIRST TIME I GOT SOME MONEY,
DIDN'T WORK OUT LIKE THIS. MOST UNLIKELY THING HAPPENED
EVER, A BLACK PRESIDENT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
COME ON EVERYBODY, LET'S START THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE.
I JUST GOT THIS MONEY! I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE!
TRUMP WENT TO GO SEE OBAMA LAST WEEK, SEE THAT?
YEAH. YOU SEE TRUMP'S FACE WHEN HE
CAME OUT OF THE MEETING? TRUMP GOT SONNED.
HE LOOKED SHOOK. LOOKED LIKE HE GOT SHOOK.
PROBABLY CAME IN THERE, HOW ARE YOU, MR. PRESIDENT?
GOOD TO SEE YOU. HELLO, DONALD.
HOW YOU FEELING? OH, GOD.
GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS JOB LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT
HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. REALLY?
IT'S NOT THAT HARD, AT LEAST YOU GET TO BE WHITE WHILE YOU'RE
DOING IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M JUST SAYING, I'M A LITTLE
NERVOUS. NERVOUS?
COME ON MAN, RELAX, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MET THE ALIENS YET, IT'S
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO
DO. BUT I KNOW OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB.
I THINK WE'LL ALL MISS HIM WHEN HE'S GONE.
DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THANK GOD HE LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.
THIS IS THE FIRST BLACK DUDE THAT EVER HEARD AMERICA'S
SECRETS. AND I'M HAPPY HE LIVED.
IF -- IF SOMEONE THREATENED OUR PRESIDENT, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME
THAT I'D WANT HIM TO BE STEREO TYPICALLY BLACK.
HE'D BE ON THE NEWS LIKE, AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT WAS
CARRIED OUT TODAY ON THE PRESIDENT.
IN A BIZARRE SERIES OF EVENTS, THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF WAS ARMED.
[ LAUGHTER ] FIRED BACK.
KILLING FOUR PEOPLE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INCIDENT.
HE THEN RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT, SCREAMED OUT "CHI-TOWN" FOR SOME
REASON. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, BEFORE I GO, I DO WANT TO SAY ONE THING.
THIS IS NOT A JOKE. BUT I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT
I SAY THIS. BECAUSE THEY'RE MARCHING UP THE
STREET RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK. A FEW WEEKS AGO I WENT TO THE
WHITE HOUSE FOR A PARTY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN
THERE IN MANY YEARS. AND IT WAS VERY EXCITING.
AND B.E.T. SPONSORED THE PARTY. SO EVERYONE THERE WAS BLACK.
AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I WALKED THROUGH THE GATES.
I'M FROM WASHINGTON, SO I SAW THE BUS STOP, THE CORNER WHERE
THE BUS STOP USED TO BE. WHERE I USED TO CATCH THE BUS TO
SCHOOL AND DREAM ABOUT NIGHTS LIKE TONIGHT.
IT WAS A REALLY, REALLY BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE WENT INTO THE WEST WING OF THE
WHITE HOUSE AND IT WAS A HUGE PARTY.
AND EVERYBODY IN THERE WAS BLACK.
EXCEPT FOR BRADLEY COOPER, FOR SOME REASON.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND ON THE WALLS WERE PICTURES
OF ALL THE PRESIDENTS. OF THE PAST.
NOW, I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS TRUE, BUT TO MY KNOWLEDGE THE
FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT THAT WAS OFFICIALLY INVITED TO THE WHITE
HOUSE WAS FREDERICK DOUGLASS. THEY STOPPED HIM AT THE GATES.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TO WALK OUT HIMSELF AND ESCORT FREDERICK
DOUGLASS INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN AGAIN AS FAR AS
I KNOW UNTIL ROOSEVELT WAS PRESIDENT.
ROOSEVELT WAS PRESIDENT, HE HAD A BLACK GUY OVER.
AND GOT SO MUCH FLACK FROM THE MEDIA THAT HE LITERALLY SAID, I
WILL NEVER HAVE A N -- IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN.
I THOUGH ABOUT THAT, LOOKED AT THAT BLACK ROOM, SAY ALL THOSE
BLACK FACES AND BRADLEY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND I SAW HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY WAS.
THESE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED.
IT MADE ME FEEL HOPEFUL AND IT MADE ME FEEL PROUD TO BE AN
AMERICAN AND IT MADE ME VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF OUR
COUNTRY. SO, IN THAT SPIRIT, I'M WISHING
DONALD TRUMP LUCK. AND I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM A
CHANCE. AND WE, THE HISTORICALLY
DISENFRANCHISED, DEMAND THAT HE GIVE US ONE TOO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A TRIBE
CALLED QUEST IS IN THE BUILDING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪