Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
Y’know, I was walking down the aisles of the video store the other day,
and I noticed something I haven’t seen in years:
Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue.
Immediately, a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me,
and I just knew I had to see this piece of shit again.
Now for those of you who don’t remember this special, I’ll give you the skinny:
In the early 90s, ABC said they were gonna do a half-hour special featuring kids’ favorite cartoons.
You name it: Duck Tales, Chipmunks, Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, the works.
When you’re a kid, this is the equivalent of, like, Elvis meets the Beatles.
I mean, the world could just explode right there.
So for weeks, we’d been waiting in anticipation, and finally, the big day came.
It was Saturday morning, all the kids are up, and we’re hyped as hell.
And who do they get to start off this groundbreaking event?
None other than the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HIMSELF.
Oh my God, George Bush is starting this thing off!
Oh my God… George Bush is starting this thing off.
That can’t be good…
He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and about how to maintain the American family.
But when you’re a kid hyped up as hell, all you can hear is:
BLAH BLAH BLAH, I’M AN OLD PERSON,
BLAH BLAH BLAH, I’M KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR CARTOONS,
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
So after he’s done blabbing, the show finally begins.
And it’s just like the commercials say.
Everybody’s there!
The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, Alf… for some reason.
I don’t know, maybe he snuck in the back, I dunno.
But bottom line, everybody’s there. It’s unbelievable. It’s a dream come true.
So, now that all our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?
Simon: Marijuana.
...
…Scusi?
Simon: Marijuana.
Di—
Did Simon of the Chipmunks just say “marijuana”?
Wh—what would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say “marijuana”?
No, no no no no, this—this has gotta be some kind of mistake.
It—it can’t be the same marijuana we’re thinking of.
Simon: An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.
Oh my God…
Wh—
Why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana?
Wh—what kind of a slap in the face is that?
I mean, Simon shouldn’t know what marijuana is!
Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood! He’s from Alvin and the Chipmunks, for crying out loud!
Jesus, I feel so dirty!
Simon of the Chipmunks just said marijuana!
Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?
Bugs: What’s this? A joint?
*smack*
WHY DOES BUGS BUNNY KNOW WHAT A JOINT IS?!
Bugs Bunny shouldn’t know what a joint is!
If Bugs Bunny knows what a joint is, that means he knows what drugs are!
If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are,
that means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are!
And if the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are,
well, that…
JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMN MUCH!!
Hoo…
So, if you haven’t put it together yet:
All our favorite cartoon characters, that we grew up with,
are coming together… to talk to US about…
…drugs.
This is going to be a long half-hour.
So it turns out the special’s not even about the cartoon characters.
It’s about a little twerp named Michael, who has a stinkin’ drug problem.
He sinks to a new low when he steals his sister Corey’s piggy bank.
He uses it to get more drugs, which he hides in a box that he keeps under his bed.
And what exactly does he keep in that box?
A Silly Putty egg, four turds, and two cinnamon buns glued together.
Because hey, he was high, and he thought it was a good idea at the time.
Corey thinks about telling her father, but he’s too busy being an alcoholic…
…and gay… and the Brawny Man.
To make matters worse, Michael is followed around by this obnoxious puff of smoke, voiced by George C. Scott.
Smoke: Hey, he needed me! All his cares went… poof.
Okay, that was lame.
But I like his next speech a whole lot better:
(VO from “Patton”): This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap.
The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality…
…don’t know anything more about real battle than they do about fornicating!
Now THAT’S a puff of smoke I can follow!
Garfield: Bizarre.
But tell me, where did this slippery slope of marijuana abuse begin?
Well, luckily, Bugs Bunny has a time machine that’s able to show us.
Bugs: Heheh, I borrowed it from some coyote.
*wah-wah*
We find out that Michael just wanted to fit in, and that’s why he started smoking marijuana in the first place.
And once you listen to how he talks, can you really blame him?
Michael: You guys cruisin’ for lung cancer, or what?
Somebody give that kid a joint!
After that, we get some more narc speeches from the Ninja Turtles, Duck Tales, and the Muppet Babies.
Because when I think drug abuse, *oh yeah* I think Muppet Babies.
Baby Kermit: ABANDON BRAIN!
Now after some long-winded speeches, the characters get together and they do the most logical thing they can think of:
They have an intervention.
With an Alan Menken song.
♪There’s a million wild and wonderful ways to say no!♪
Ah-choo! Guess I’m allergic.
♪And a good excuse is something you never outgrow♪
It’s bad for my complexion!
♪Go on, push eject, protect yourself♪
♪Get up and gooo!♪
Those drugs are so boring!
*make it stop*
♪There’s a million zillion wonderful ways to say—♪
*BLAM*
If you survived your suicide attempt, the special ends pretty much as you would imagine it:
Michael gets off the drugs, he makes up with his sister, the puff of smoke disappears,
and his attentive parents are none the wiser.
So, what kind of message are kids supposed to get from this special?
That if they smoke weed, all their favorite cartoon characters will appear?
Yeah, that’s a top-notch moral right there.
Alvin: Is he kidding?
And if you don’t get off the drugs, these suckers get violent!
In fact, I was shocked at how cruel some of these cartoon characters really are. I mean, look at this:
They lock people in burning buildings, run them over with a roller coaster,
blow ‘em up, drown them.
Even Winnie the Pooh gets his ass handed to him.
Pooh: BOTHEEEEEER!
Jesus, these suckers are mean!
Baby Piggy: GYAAAAAH! *crack*
Another problem I have with this special is that everybody cries at the drop of a hat.
Watch:
*CinemaSins ding*
You see?
So, okay, what exactly are these cartoon characters trying to tell us?
There’s nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
*hat magically reappears*
Eh, fair enough, I guess. So the next time that you—
What’s up, doc, is your life, if you don’t cut it out!
Okay—
You’re excellent just the way you are!
Got it!
We don’t always see things the way they are.
Okay, I—
Just believe in yourself!
Well, I—
We care about you!
Well, maybe—
Everyone’s got problems, kid.
Yeah—
Why don’t you just say no?
Got it—
You gotta believe in yourself!
Would you shut up?
Listen to us!
Yeah, I heard you—
You use, you lose!
OKAY! GOD!
You know, I thought this would be really cool, but you know what? This really blows!
All my cartoon characters are fuckin’ narcs!
I mean for crying out loud, how many times do you have to hammer this shit in?
If everyone was jumpin’ off a cliff, would you go too?
Maybe after seeing this shit!
I mean for crying out loud, do you know what the irony is?
I think that most of these cartoon characters were on drugs long before this special ever came out.
I mean, look at it:
Garfield’s always hungry, Pooh’s happy as hell,
Daffy’s hyped up on speed, and Michelangelo—well, listen to him!
Your brain must be, like, REALLY messed up!
I even think our beloved President smoked a doobie before he came out. I mean, look at him!
He’s looking at Barbara’s head like it’s a giant cheeseburger!
*sigh*
Maybe I’m being too harsh on this special.
After all, they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
Drugs aren’t your pal, pal! They’re your enemy!
A very sound point. Any objections?
I make ‘em feel good!
He’s got me there!
*bubbling*
*Wonderful Ways to Say No plays*
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*
Mary Jane.