Hello I’m from the Australien Government
Have you noticed how we make everything good, shit?
One by one, we’re taking the things you know and love
Medicare...
TAFE...
the ABC...
ARC...
the National Archives...
Public schools...
Handshakes...
Desks...
And turning them into conduits for our shitfuckery
That’s because
WE MAKE EVERYTHING GOOD, SHIT
In today’s episode of "Make Everything Good Shit", we look at the CSIRO - your trusted science agency
which has earned a reputation for great inventions: Wifi, Space stuff, Aerogard
Unlike gas companies: which have earned a reputation for poisoning aquifers
ripping you off with high bills, and paying no fucking tax
So we thought: hey!
What if we could let those gas companies use the CSIRO brand to regain your trust
and keep making the ching-ching?
Introducing GISERA
GISERA is an alliance between your beloved CSIRO
and the five biggest c*nts, I mean companies, in Australia’s fracking industry
It’s a great set-up: they provide the money, and the CSIRO provides the logo
Those gas companies are very modest so whenever GISERA publishes it’s research
they give CSIRO all the credit
No need to mention them
Of course CSIRO scientists care deeply about their integrity
But don’t worry, GISERA fixed that problem by putting gas executives on all the committees
that oversee its research
And just to be sure, we also cut hundreds of CSIRO climate scientist jobs
and made the rest fear for their jobs if they speak out
WE MAKE EVERYTHING GOOD SHIT
GISERA has made some terrific findings
Like that time they said this river being on fire is totes normal
and has nothing to do with the thousands of fracking wells all around it
Turns out it does!
Or that time GISERA found our fracking emits less than the US
Sure gas companies told it which wells to study
and sure it only measured the well pads, ignoring all the other infrastructure...
and pipelines …but let’s not get caught up in the details
And of course that time GISERA discovered fracking is safe for the environment
By testing SIX - out of Queensland’s 19,000 gas wells
Sure those six wells were chosen by Origin who were so thoughtful they even paid for the research
But that was good enough for us
So now we can tell you: “the CSIRO says fracking is safe for the environment”
And that’s how we’ve been letting your trusted science agency be infiltrated and hollowed out
By these earth-fucking tumours
But don’t worry: you still have your trusted Bureau of Meterology
Hello I’m from the BoM, and today’s forecast is brought to you by our sponsors who gave
us millions to not mention climate change
WE MAKE EVERYTHING GOOD SHIT!
In NSW, expect Santos to fuck the beautiful Pilliga Forest
with a high chance it’ll also take a shit on surrounding farmlands unless you lock the gate
All approved as safe thanks to research by...
GISERA
Moving to the NT: Watch out for this new piece of shit on the block run by Liberal Party donors
which is ready to frack the outback now that the moratorium has been lifted
Thanks to research by...
GISERA!
Speaking of moratoriums, Victoria’s just lifted theirs
So watch out for gas companies lining up to drill the Great Ocean Road
Unless you tell them to fuck off
Which is how you saved Cribb Point from AGL
You know, the wankers who’ll sue you if you use their logo to expose how they’re
Australia’s Biggest Climate Polluter
And in WA: if allowed to proceed, this flaming-shit-comet will wipe out not just our climate targets
but also the Murujuga Rockart: home to the oldest known depiction of the human face
How appropriate
We’d like to warn you that all this will lead to more extreme weather events
droughts, floods, and hotter, more frequent bushfires
But the very same guy who founded GISERA
and who turned your CSIRO into a cheer squad for gas companies
Is now our boss
And he loves to remove all mention of climate change from our public statements
Please send help
Back over to you at Bullshit HQ
Thank you, BOM.
What’s that?
How can we let your most trusted and beloved agencies be infiltrated and corrupted
by these soulless fucking parasites?
Awww sweetie, that’s what happens when your Government’s been captured by the fossil fuel industry
Join us next week for another episode of We Make Everything Good Shit
As we take a look at Universities, the NDIS, and Your Life in General
Authorised by the Department for the Gas-Led Shitfuckery