WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
CHIEWBL CHIEWBL OCC>> I'VE GOT T THESE PEOPLE HAVE ENERGY.
I DID NOT GET A GREAT NIGHT'S SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DIDN'T GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP?
DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE STARTING A LITTLE AFTER 10:00, HE FIRED A
SERIES OF ANGRY AND INCREDIBLY LONG TWEETS.
( LAUGHTER )
IS THE SOUL OF WIT."
AND HE IS EVIDENTLY WITLESS.
HIS FIRST--
EVIDENTLY.
HIS FIRST TARGET OF HIS TWEETS WAS HEALTH CARE.
YOU SEE, HE'S DECIDED HE WANTS TO KILL OBAMACARE IN THE COURTS.
REMEMBER "REPEAL AND REPLACE"?
WE'RE GOING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: WELL, AFTER NINE YEARS, THEY STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN
AROUND TO THE "REPLACE" PART.
THEY HAVE NO PLAN.
IN FACT, NOT ONLY DO THEY NOT HAVE A PLAN, "THERE IS NO
PLAN TO MAKE SUCH A PLAN."
( APPLAUSE )
MACK A PLAN, BUT THEY ARE WORKING HARD ON A PLAN FOR YOU
TO NEVER FIND OUT THAT THEY WILL NEVER HAVE HAD A PLAN.
BUT TRUMP, EVIDENTLY, THINKS NO PLAN IS BETTER THAN OBAMACARE:
"EVERYBODY AGREES THAT OBAMACARE DOESN'T WORK.
PREMIUMS & DEDUCTIBLES ARE FAR TOO HIGH.
REALLY BAD HEALTHCARE!
EVEN THE DEMS WANT TO REPLACE IT, BUT WITH MEDICARE FOR
ALL, WHICH WOULD CAUSE 180 MILLION AMERICANS TO LOSE THEIR
BELOVED PRIVATE HEALTH INSURANCE."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BELOVED.
AMERICA'S PRIVATE HEALTH INSURANCE IS BELOVED:
"MY DEAREST CIGNA, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN
MY HEART BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T PAY FOR THE VALVE REPLACEMENT I
DESPERATELY NEEDED, AND NOW I'M DEAD.
WISH YOU WERE HERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
BELOVED.
THEN TRUMP REPEATED HIS NEW CATCHPHRASE: "THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY WILL BE KNOWN AS THE PARTY OF GREAT "HELTCARE."
YES, NOT HEALTHCARE, "HELTCARE."
HE'S GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS WITH TECHNICALITIES.
"AS PROMISED, I'M PROVIDING GREAT "HELTCARE."
YOU'LL HAVE ACCESS TO THE BEST DOTORS.
NOW, WHO WANTS A FREE "MERMAGERM?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ).
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP MET WITH THE HEAD OF-- WHO DID HE
MEADE WITH?
HE MET WITH THE HEAD OF NATO TO TALK ABOUT-- WHO KNOWS?
BECAUSE HE JUST TALKED ABOUT WHATEVER WAS ON HIS MIND AND
SAID HIS IMAGINARY OBAMACARE REPLACEMENT IS GOING TO BE
GREAT.
>> WHEN THE PLAN COMES OUT, WHICH WE WILL BE SHOWING YOU AT
THE APPROPRIATE TIME, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN OBAMACARE.
SO WHEN THE PLAN COMES OUT, YOU'LL SEE IT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP): "TRUST ME, DESPERATELY SICK
PEOPLE, JUST KEEP BREATHING.
( LAUGHTER )
IN YOUR PANCREASES UNTIL SOME LATER TIME.
AND I PROMISE YOU OR YOUR NEXT OF KIN WILL LOVE IT."
AND TH THAT FANTASTIC--
SO AMAZING, IMAGINARY HEALTH CARE.
AND THAT FANTASTIC HEALTHCARE PLAN CAN BE YOURS FOR THE SMALL
PRICE OF RE-ELECTING THE MAN WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT
IS.
>> IF WE GET BACK THE HOUSE, AND ON THE ASSUMPTION WE KEEP THE
SENATE AND WE KEEP THE PRESIDENCY-- WHICH I HOPE ARE
TWO GOOD ASSUMPTIONS- WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A PHENOMENAL
HEALTHCARE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF "IF"s.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF "IF"s AND "BUT"s WERE A PUNCH IN
THE NUTS, THAT WOULD STILL BE BETTER THAN HIS HEALTHCARE
PLAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO YOU'LL GET GREAT HEALTHCARE IF YOU ELECT HIM.
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- WE'RE NOT DUMB.
WE HAVE MEMORIES.
HE PROMISED THE EXACT SAME THING BEFORE THE LAST ELECTION.
>> WE'RE GOING TO GET RID OF OBAMACARE AND COME UP WITH
GREAT, GREAT, POWERFUL, WONDERFUL HEALTHCARE.
EVERYBODY'S GOING TO BE TAKEN CARE OF, MUCH BETTER THAN THEY
ARE TAKEN CARE OF NOW.
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN THE UNITED
STATES, AND A SYSTEM YOU CAN AFFORD.
YOU WILL HAVE THE BEST HEALTH CARE YOU'VE EVER, EVER HAD.
>> Stephen: AT LEAST COME UP WITH A FRESH LIE.
( LAUGHTER )
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN WHO MADE IT FULL CIRCLE BACK TO THE PRAIRIE
TOWN WHERE HE STARTED.
(AS SALESMAN):
METHYLATED ARSENIC SPIRITS I SOLD YOU THREE YEARS AGO DID
NOT CURE YOU BUT, IN FACT, GAVE YOU PSORIATIC DROPSY AND
COOPER'S DROOP.
BUT I BRING YOU THE CURE: MORE SWEET ELIXIR!
( LAUGHTER )
HIS THREAT TO CLOSE THE MEXICAN BORDER.
>> Reporter: IS IT YOUR INTENTION, SIR, TO CLOSE THE
BORDER THIS WEEKEND?
WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO NOT CLOSE THE BORDER?
>> WELL, I HAVEN'T MADE THAT INTENTION KNOWN, AND I'M READY
TO CLOSE IT IF I HAVE TO CLOSE IT.
(AS TRUMP):
YOU'LL SEE.
I MIGHT EVEN CLOSE THE BORDER USING MY INCREDIBLE OBAMACARE
REPLACEMENT.
NOW, HOW DO YOU CLOSE A BORDER WITH A HEALTHCARE PLAN?
GOT TO ELECT ME IN 2020 TO FIND OUT."