if you go to a house that's a strip club
in the woods down a dirt road with no
lights Dothan Alabama those are
ferocious
[Music]
[Applause]
welcome to this is not happening
presents the worlds of blunder if you've
never been to this show before this is a
bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real that happened give it up
for my friend and yours mr. Joe Rogan
[Applause]
I've been travelling doing stand-up
comedy for a long time I started going
on the road back in 1998 and that was
started going the road because a Dice
Clay we were at the Comedy Store one
night like you should do the road okay
just want to talk to me I'll listen you
know and I I started going on the road
both doing stand-up comedy and working
for the Ultimate Fighting Championship
which back then was really like doing
porn in 1998 you didn't want to tell
people that you what are you doing this
weekend I'm gonna see a cage fighting
event Dothan Alabama I'm working so I
fly into this place and I'm hanging out
with these fighters I'm in my 20s and
I'm completely baffled by the whole
situation like you ever see that cartoon
where there's two dogs there's a little
dog that's hanging out with the big dog
and little dogs like we would go in
spike the big dogs like shut up I was a
little dog and I'm just hanging out with
a slew of dudes who can rape me and one
of them wants to go out and if you're
around like these big giant like this
one dude let's just call him Bob we'll
calm Bob sighs real name but Bob was
this giant wrestler dude who's like 250
pounds of American muscle and Mexican
supplements and we're hanging out in
Dothan Alabama what is ba ba ba ba ba
buh see we're there with this other dude
who is the local deejay you know we have
to do like morning radio to promote the
event there's this big event down there
and morning radio guy talks like morning
radio guy it's like what do you guys
want to do there's a voice that somehow
another they're all allowed to use and
it's not like you know you're doing a
real like he's doing Jack Nicholson no
they're all just doing the voice they do
at work
it's basically the same thing as the
strip club DJ voice there it's very
interchangeable DJ guys like hey I know
where the girls are this is club just
outside of town let's head out there
right now so we get him his car we hop
in DJ guy's car and we start going out
of town and we're in homeboys car and
he's playing that you know his station
we're talking and Bob is like man I've
gotta be some booze around here man I'm
telling you dude I be some around
here and we start going down a dirt road
I notice there's no more lights and I'm
like what's going on it's like this is
where it is so we go down this dirt road
this is all true story with down this
dirt road there's no lights and we get
to a house it's a house and the
house has a nylon sign like one of those
signs you know I you know like temporary
sign and it just says gentlemen's club
at a house I'm like oh this
is a mistake man I'm awake I'm sober now
I'm not high again so I'm thinking this
is a terrible terrible place to be and
the DJ guys like we go there all the
time don't worry about it buddy come on
in all right we walk in the door it's a
regular door there's like
bookshelves people have their shoes
there there's a staircase like
this is insanity man we go in this room
and if you've ever been to not like an
established affiliate of a strip club
who's ever made a mistake
and gone to a house with a vile
gentlemen's club sign in the middle of
Dothan Alabama you will notice that
there's a strange thing about the food
chain when it comes to strip clubs and
the less attractive have to be the most
aggressive it's sort of how nature
balances itself out it's like you know
hyenas are desperate as they gotta
make happen right away
they're not Turtles with this plenty of
food and they live to be a thousand no
they gotta get done right now so if
you go to a house that's a strip club
with a vinyl sign in the woods down a
dirt road with no lights in Dothan
Alabama those are ferocious they
move on you man you don't get a
chance to sit down they're on you okay
and it's a strange scene man
first of all there's like it's the only
thing that makes strip club ish is that
this red light bulbs they used in red
light box so I sit down the train kills
like man he's looking around and this
girl immediately comes up to me and it's
a thing that a gal will do when she's
trying to get you to do a private dance
with her and that thing is to
immediately put her knee where your
penis is okay and then they move into
you and start talking to you this is a
sexy pose okay but not when you're
wearing sweatpants and wrestling shoes
and your breath smells like you ate a
hundred and fifty sandwiches and
had a drunken mariachi band fart in your
mouth for a year I'm not bullshitting
she's wearing sweatpants and
she's got wrestling shoes on and she's
gangster you wanna dance
do you want it hits me like a
broken fire hydrant of stink
and I don't know what to do and I'm a
polite person I try to be nice we're all
different I don't know I don't know how
she got here so I'm sitting there and
all I could think of all I could think
of is I have a girlfriend she doesn't
let me your dances what the y'all
missing I'm a bad ass
[Music]
I have up this is like a
movie you take the wrong turn then eight
hours later you're pleading for your
life in a basement but this is a
disaster so I got to find the trained
killer so I go over my man we got to get
the out of here I get up to him and
he has found the only attractive girl
within miles and she has gravitated
towards his alpha presence and she's
sitting in his lap and she weighed 90
pounds I know this because he told me
she's in his lap and he loves so amigos
she won't bomb 90 pounds having exactly
this videos a push it's gotta be tight
like could you imagine breaking a human
being down to that he was calculating
mass and size
it's a good'n it's a keeper the girl
would point to every other man in the
room
like you know like 10 times you tend to
regazzi completely sober at this point
and I'm like hey dude why don't you ask
your friend over friends know who's
a friend check path so we happened DJed
mr. nicest car kiss 107.5 whatever it is
he's in there all right everybody get in
the car
so the trained killer and the 90-pound
are in the backseat but breath
wants to sit on my lap very few things
less attractive then when you're on a
dirt road and a road with no
lights and you go to a house and there's
a vinyl sign that says gentlemen's club
and a girl with breath wearing
dress shoes and sweatpants also talks
black she's white and she's got freckles
come on dog let me see your lap dog I'm
like you can't sit in my lap my
girlfriend doesn't let girl sit my lap
she keeps she keeps doing this to
the back of my head she's behind me with
the 90 pounder in the trained killer you
don't know what I'm just thinking we're
gonna get to the hotel room I'm just
gonna get the this is all gonna be
a memory well apparently the trained
killer had realized that this is gonna
be a problem
and he was looking over oh man she gonna
be a problem man this up for me
so as soon as we pull into the hotel the
hotel Isis you know overpass thing a
little little circular around about sort
of a thing in the front with a roof on
it we pull into that thing that
trained killer kicks open the door
grabs a 90 pounder
he's got some ass and squat legs
on him he's just making leaps and bounds
and there's no way she's tied up in the
seat belt no you don't ditch me by the
up so breath breath is
running after the trained killer but
this puts logs on his back
and runs up stadium stairs so he's just
running with this girl he gets her to
the elevator the elevator doors open he
turns and looks at boom just like a
horror movie the door shuts just in the
nick of time and this is 1997-1998
whatever it was there's no cell phones
back then you couldn't text your friend
oMG what room are let her are you that
are you in no he was gone he was a he
was a ghost that door shut she had a
fake I don't even know if he was real I
don't have a photo of him I don't have a
contact number he doesn't have an email
address the doors shut he went to many
floors and many rooms it was over it was
over but breath would not accept
defeat so she starts throwing a
hissy fit oh no
no you ain't doing this to me
and so she starts yelling
to try to get attention one of the
managers runs over to her ma'am what is
the problem please can we stop this and
she goes I need to know where she says
his name UFC
he's all with my girl we came together
we leave together wrestling wrestling
shoes sweatpants freckles tank top it's
a mess as a disaster okay you the last
person you want screaming in your Lobby
there's a white girl with wrestling
shoes on sweatpants talking like a black
girl obviously shit-faced drunk looking
for a cage fighter
may or may not have kidnapped her friend
comes over they grabbed it by the arms
they're trying to get her out of there
she's like I'll leave I'll
leave I need to use the restroom I need
to use the restroom first
which is one thing that drunks will
always do when drunks are kicked out of
the bar they always want to get that
last victory they just let me have a
little something let me use the bathroom
you can't just kick him out won't you
let me use the restroom real quick so
they won't let her use the restroom like
ma'am you cannot you are rude you're
yelling your your awakening are people
you got to get the out here they
push her outside the door she doesn't
take two steps from the door she pushes
him forward cuz she's done this before
alright she knows not to piss on her
sweat pants cuz she been there done that
just push the sweat pants for it she's
yelling at the hotel go y'all got me out
here passing in the street like I'm some
kind of
[Applause]
um I'm sitting in my car just sitting in
my car laughing my ass off thinking this
might be the best person I've ever met
in my life I got all the people that you
were meet in your life that just will
provide you with something you could
think about forever I've met some
inspirational I think
about her all the time
[Applause]
[Music]
Joe Rogan everybody that's Joe Rogan
thank you very much for doing it
wow what a disgusting story that girl
what is she doing now she's gotta be a
mother
she's gotta be last week I told you to
leave me some comments out here about
the most disgusting stuff you've ever
seen and we got disgusting stories like
this one next week I'm gonna ask you to
give me the best shipper names you've
ever heard so if you're ever into a
horrible ship club or a good one leave
on the comments below don't forget to
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follow me and that's it everybody
I'll see you next Tuesday
[Music]