I have-- I have an eight-year-old son
and a five-year-old daughter.
We have parents here tonight? Parents, yeah?
(cheers and applause)
But not tonight, not tonight.
That's my favorite thing.
No matter how much you love your kids.
When it is date night or go-out night,
as soon as the babysitter shows up,
you mentally tap the fuck out.
You're just like, "Listen, these are your kids,
"you understand? Unless they get full-blown AIDS
"or crack their head open, these are your kids.
"Look, here's $700 for pizza. Get in the car, get in the car.
"She shit her pants. She's crying from the window.
"Just get in the car. We'll let this bitch deal with it.
We don't even like her."
And I love-- I love having one of each,
because, uh, even at those ages,
you know, eight and five, you can really see
the difference in sexes
and you can just see how much more
emotionally mature females are.
Females are on another fucking level.
Like, my little boy is a beautiful, empathetic
eight-year-old little boy.
He's amazing in school. His friends love him.
His teachers love him.
But my daughter, she's deeper.
It's just another level. It's just like--
Little girls don't look at their daddies.
They look through them, you know?
My daughter looks at me like,
"I know all about you, asshole."
You start thinking of all the bad shit
you did in your life.
You know, it's amazing. Like, here's how deep it is.
Right now, okay, Star Wars is big in my house, big.
We got the DVDs, we got the toys,
we go to all the movies.
So my son says to me the other day, he says,
"Daddy, can we have a lightsaber fight in living room?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, fuck yeah, gimme the-- gimme the--"
I like Star Wars. I like nerdy shit.
I'm gonna say I love nerdy things.
I love Star Wars. I love Harry Potter.
But I feel like people don't believe me when I say that
because of my New York look and demeanor, you know?
Let's be honest, guys, my face looks like
this shirt should have pizza flour on it.
Right?
(laughter and applause)
What do you want, a pepperoni and a sausage, yeah?
Pepperoni and sausage, yeah.
Pepperoni. Clean the soda machine.
I told you last Thursday, asshole.
Prick likes the Mets.
That's my favorite thing about Italians.
Italians always throw an insult at the end
that has nothing to do
with what they were originally mad at.
They just wanna hurt you. You know, they'll be like,
"No, I told you to clean the soda machine.
"The tubes gotta get clean, otherwise people get sick.
His mother's fat."
(laughter and applause)
"No, no, no, I should've fired you last Thursday.
"You didn't do the dishes. We had to open up late.
Guy's a bad father. Stupid kids."
So now I'm in the living room
having a lightsaber fight with my son,
role-playing-like dad.
You know, we're having a good time.
You know, and he cuts my leg off,
and I'm hopping on one leg.
Then he cuts my arm off and I drop the lightsaber.
Then he puts it up to my chest
and backs me up against the wall,
and I'm like, "All right, Lucas, you won.
You just beat Daddy."
And I look over and I see my little girl Sophia
just locked in.
You know when you see a little kid
just, like, locked into something,
mouth half open, wheels spinning.
And I know she wants to say something.
She just popped out like a gangster.
And she goes, "Hey, Daddy."
She goes, "I wanna have a lightsaber fight
with you, too, but I'm Darth Vader."
And I said, "All right," you know?
A little weird you wanna be on the dark side at this age,
but... choosing evil at five
is a little concerning to a parent.
It's like, "Whatever you want."
My little girl is holding this red lightsaber
twice the size of her body,
and she's psyched she was doing
what her older brother was doing with her dad.
And we're just, you know going back and forth,
and she cuts my leg off
and I'm hopping on one leg.
Then she cuts my arm off that's holding the lightsaber.
I drop the lightsaber. Now she's getting cocky.
Then she cuts my other leg off
and I fall back on the couch
'cause I don't have a choice now
'cause I don't have any legs.
And I said, "Oh, sweetie, you won.
You just beat Daddy."
And in the most adorable voice you people
could ever imagine, she just goes, "Not yet,"
and put the shit to my throat and cut.
(laughter and applause)
She said, "You gotta get the throat.
That's the most important part."
And I was like, "All right, the game's over.
I gotta talk to your mother."
That's the difference between men and women right there.
The other day, we're driving as a family.
You know, my wife's obviously in the passenger seat.
Kids are in the back.
We're having this really nice Sunday drive.
You know, it's a Lexus,
so it's, you know, big wheelbase, fully loaded.
And we're driving, and I see my wife's hand.
Right? Her hand is just sitting right there,
and I see the ring that I bought her.
And, I don't know, the moment was right.
I just grabbed my wife's hand to hold it.
And I put it right here.
Holding my wife's hand, and put it right on my thigh.
And about after a minute, minute and a half,
the handholding thing was over.
You know, it's just like I love you, but fuck off.
It's sweaty, it's awkward.
Like, you know, like, when two people hold hands,
one person starts to have a panic attack,
like, "Look, you're holding my hand hostage.
"Okay, fuck off. I love you too.
It's awkward, it's weird. It ran its course."
So I put the hand back, and she goes, "What was that?
What was that?" And I go, "What?"
She goes, "Why did you... Why did you just,
you know, hold my hand out of nowhere?"
I was like, "Well, you know, I saw it there.
"I saw the ring that I bought you.
"You're my wife. You know, I love you.
I figured I'd hold your hand."
And she gives me this devious look,
and she starts blushing.
And she gives me this devilish look
and she smirks and she goes, "Oh...
I thought you were trying something."
I was like, like what?
Getting jerked off in front of my children?
What kind of sick--
What kind of sick animal do you think you married?
It's like, I know it's Easter. I'm not that excited.
Like, "You know I like to get jerked off before I eat ham.
Let's go!"
My daughter was in the car.
"Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"
"My job, sweetheart. Now look out the window."