Have you ever found yourself saying sorry for things that didn't really deserve an apology in
the first place? I once had a friend ask me, "Do you always apologize after giving someone a gift?"
Now, it shook me a little bit because I had no idea I was doing that. But when
I started watching myself, I totally did. I grew
up in a culture of over-apologizing, and it wasn't until my 30s that I realized how harmful it can
be. Now, saying sorry too much undermines how others see you and how you see yourself,
and that can really impact you, both at home and in the workplace. In this video you'll learn why
you say sorry too much, how this messes up your relationships, and how to stop over-apologizing.
[Music] If you'd like to learn how to improve your self-esteem, we've got a course on that taught by
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you'll learn practical ways to improve how you see yourself and how you talk to yourself. And to be
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more, just check out the link in the description. Okay. So let me tell you about Barbara. Barbara
would apologize for everything. Like if she was working at the table and her boyfriend,
Joe, sat down next to her, she'd say, "Oh, I'm sorry, let me move this out of your way." Or if
Joe was ever upset about something, she'd assume it was her fault, and she'd apologize profusely.
If she didn't make dinner she'd apologize. If she did make dinner she'd apologize if it just wasn't
right. But for her it was never just right. Joe was starting to get really annoyed, so he began
to dismiss her apologies, and this made Barbara wonder if he was mad at her, so she'd apologize
even more. Now, one day Joe decided to take a different approach. He sat down with Barbara
and explained to her how constant apologizing was causing him to feel like he couldn't express his
own feelings or opinions. He told her that he loved her and respected her but that he needed
her to be more assertive and to believe in her own worth. Now, Barbara was shocked.
She thought that apologizing was helping the relationship, but she learned that it was actually
making both of them feel less secure in it. Now, apologizing too much doesn't just happen at home;
it's really common at work. I saw this post that perfectly encapsulated the problem. Do you do this
when you give a presentation? Do you start with an apology when you make a suggestion? Do you preface
it with a handful of pre-apologies? Maybe you're worried that you might come across as bossy or
presumptuous if you don't apologize. But instead, saying sorry too much makes you look uncertain,
unskilled, insecure, easily manipulated, and it interferes with good communication.
So why do people over-apologize? The first reason is probably low self-esteem. If you if you feel
like you're not good enough, you may apologize to seek approval from others. So when you say like,
"Oh, I'm sorry that these cookies I'm giving you aren't perfect," and the other person says, "No,
they're great," this this behavior is a form of reassurance-seeking that can become kind
of addictive. It's an attempt to bolster up your own doubts by seeking validation from others. It
might feel relieving in the short term, but only internal validation is sustainable in the long
run. Okay. The second reason is to avoid conflict. You may apologize preemptively to try to tone down
any anger or disagreement. And again, while this may work in the short run, it's going to lead to
poor communication, resentment, lack of clarity, and lack of good ideas being shared, which really
leads to more problems in the long run. Number three is avoiding vulnerability. In some in some
twisted way, apologizing is a defense mechanism. It's an attempt to avoid being disappointed if
you assert your needs and get told no. And this is related to people-pleasing tendencies. Some people
may apologize excessively because they want to be liked and to avoid upsetting others. It's founded
on this faulty mindset that you should never impose on other people, that other people's needs
are more important than your own. Some people also might apologize excessively as a way of
being polite. Right? In some cultures apologizing may be seen as a sign of respect and humility,
while in other cultures it may be viewed as a sign of weakness or subservience. And some people
apologize excessively simply because it's a habit that they've learned. They may have grown up in a
culture or environment where they were taught to apologize frequently. Now, researchers have
also found that gender contributes, as women will often say sorry with greater frequency than men.
According to this recent study, women reported offering more apologies than men,
but they also reported committing more offenses. So this finding suggests that men apologize less
frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.
Over-apologizing has also been associated with mental health conditions like anxiety, trauma,
depression, low self-esteem, OCD, perfectionism, and more. So what can you do like if you think
that saying sorry too much has become ingrained in your everyday communication and psyche? Let's
strategize together. There are four steps to stop over-apologizing. Number one: understand
your triggers. Take a minute to think about the situations that trigger your apologies. Do you do
it more with family and friends or with colleagues at work? What is it that really stimulates you to
apologize frequently? You could you could write about this in your journal. And then number two:
if you catch yourself about to say I'm sorry for something that's not your fault,
try to pause before responding and just take a breath. And then number three: you could try
rephrasing your response. So often an apology can actually be rephrased and turned into a statement
of gratitude or an assertive statement instead. So for example, you could try saying something like,
"Oh, thank you so much for your patience" instead of, "Oh, I'm sorry for making you wait."
And a big part of this is learning how to be assertive, and that requires you reminding
yourself that it's okay to have opinions and using "I" statements to express your feelings
and needs rather than apologizing. Assertiveness also requires you to stand up for yourself and
say no when appropriate and, you know, to practice self-affirmations. You could say things like, "Oh,
I am worthy and deserving of respect." Okay. So let's practice. We're gonna put up this table here
of three different ways to address each situation: a negative, where you think, "Oh, I'm bad";
a neutral, where you're like, "Okay, I'm here"; and assertive, which is like, "Oh, can you [making
a request]." Right? Okay. So problem number one: situation number one: your boyfriend wants to use
the table. The negative or "I'm bad" approach is like, "Oh, hey, sorry, my stuff is on the table."
The neutral approach is to say, "Oh, thanks for making space for my stuff on the table,"
and the more assertive approach would be to say, "Oh, I need some space on the table for my stuff.
Could you slide down please?" Now, being assertive can feel really uncomfortable for someone who's
been passive or submissive, but true, honest, deep and real relationships require people to be
willing to give and make requests, and a one-sided self-sacrificing relationship just isn't healthy.
Okay. Let's try again. Um someone holds the door for you. The uh negative way of doing
this is to say, "Oh, sorry to make you wait." The neutral way is to say, "Oh, thank you so
much for waiting." And the assertive way of doing this is to say, "Oh, thank you for waiting. Could
you push number 15?" Okay. Let's try another one. The team project at work is behind the schedule.
"Sorry for not getting the job done. I'll fix it."
"Hmm. Looks like that deadline wasn't met by our team. What should we do?" And to be more
assertive: "Bob, you didn't get your part done by the deadline. What obstacles are you facing?"
Okay. How about this situation: I actually messed up. I made a mistake. Right? A more negative way
to approach this is to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm such a screw-up. I'm the worst." And notice
how this makes it all about you, and it doesn't make anyone feel better, and it doesn't solve
any problems. So instead you could say something like, "I messed up. I apologize." Just at least
taking accountability; that's helpful. And to be more assertive, to be more positive, you could
say something like, "I messed up. How can I fix this, or how can I do better next time?" When you
replace over-apologizing with assertiveness, you actually improve communication and relationships.
You really can learn how to stop saying sorry so much. Now, Barbara knew something needed to
change, so she sought support from a therapist who helped her work on her issues of low self-esteem
and people-pleasing. Barbara started to set boundaries and communicate more clearly,
making it clear what she wanted. It felt super awkward at first, but Joe really liked it when she
asked for things more directly so that he didn't have to guess what she meant. Over time Barbara
noticed a big difference in her relationship with Joe. They were able to have more honest and open
conversations, and Joe appreciated that Barbara was standing up for herself. Barbara also noticed
that she had more self-confidence and felt better about herself. Replacing over-apologizing with
assertiveness might take some time, but it's going to be healthier for you both at home and in the
workplace. You'll begin to communicate better, and you'll start to feel better, more confident, no
matter who you're speaking to or in what setting. Okay. I hope these strategies can help you learn
to be more confident and assertive. Thank you for watching. Hey, and please comment below
what topic would you like me to address next. Okay. Thanks for watching, and take care [Music]