The Millennium Falcon is just about the coolest spaceship in sci-fi history.
And it's also an uncomfortable, unreliable, ugly hunk of junk.
Sure, it might feel tempting to hop aboard and live out your days as a devilish rogue
or a heroic starfighter, but you're probably better off keeping your feet on the ground.
Here's a look at why it would pretty much suck to live on the Millennium Falcon.
Moving target
Over the course of the Star Wars films, the Falcon is hunted, tracked, or attacked by
an endless array of villains, and sometimes friends too.
The Empire wants it, the First Order wants it, even Lando wants it back.
About the only person who doesn't want it is Rey — so, naturally, she gets stuck with
it.
The fact is that the Millennium Falcon is the most infamous ship in the galaxy, and
thanks to all of its unique modifications and upgrades, you're never going to be able
to lie low, either.
Every day will be spent looking over your shoulder.
Even Han Solo managed to lose it for years.
And let's face it: you're no Han Solo.
This guy is:
"Solo.
I'm Han Solo.
I'm Han Solo, Solo, Solo!"
Bucket of bolts
The entire arc of Han and Leia's story in The Empire Strikes Back is how completely
unreliable the Millennium Falcon is, with the ship's hyperdrive apparently being the
most troublesome component.
The main hyperdrive might make it one of the fastest ships in the galaxy, but once that
fails — and it fails three times in Empire, by our count — you're stuck with the backup,
which takes weeks to reach nearby systems.
And if that goes, too?
Well, let's just say you'd better hope someone comes to pick you up before you become worm
food.
It's too cramped
During the course of the films, the Falcon tends to have an average crew of five or six
people, including droids.
According to Disney's official cross-section of the Falcon, she's got a grand total of
two rooms, plus three beds in the original trilogy.
After Return of the Jedi, a fourth bed was apparently added, but that didn't help Han,
Chewie, Luke, and Obi-Wan in A New Hope, when one of them apparently had to sleep on the
couch.
Probably Chewbacca, because he's half couch already.
Gas attack
In The Force Awakens, Rey, Finn, and BB-8 steal the Falcon from Jakku to escape the
First Order.
Before long, however, their lives are put at risk thanks to a severe lack of hyperdrive
maintenance in previous years.
This causes an energy flux in the motivator, which causes a chain reaction that floods
the Falcon with poison gas.
Considering how often the hyperdrive seems to fail, it's just a matter of time before
the ship randomly gasses you to death.
Better have your mask handy!
Unwelcome surprises
If the Star Wars films have taught us anything about the Falcon, it's that she's filled with
countless hatches, hideaways, and holes that are used by its owners to keep illicit cargo
under the radar.
Considering how quickly and easily the ship changes hands, there's simply no way to know
if all of the previous owner's belongings have been removed from the ship.
As a result, you're never going to know if you're unknowingly transporting weapons, human
beings, or even Lego currency.
If you end up on the Flacon, you better just hope you're never pulled over by the space
po-po.
The facilities suck
According to diagrams of the Falcon, the ship's kitchen was added by Han as a wedding present
for General Leia when they married.
That's cool, but it also means that during the original trilogy, there was apparently
no kitchen, so passengers just had to eat a lot of sandwiches or something.
That's probably for the best, though, considering the ship also only has one bathroom, which
is barely bigger than a phone booth and doesn't seem to have room for a shower.
Add in a wookiee, and you can only begin to imagine just how funky the ship must smell
on even the shortest trips.
Gross.
It's boring
Even in those cramped little rooms you're going to find yourself twiddling your thumbs.
Apart from actually flying the ship, the only "fun" thing you can spend your time doing
appears to be the dejarik table in the communal space.
Dejarik, by the way, is a chess-like game which is apparently so utterly tedious to
play that, according to an Easter egg in The Force Awakens, not a single person used the
board over the three or four decades between A New Hope and The Force Awakens.
Other than that, your entertainment options are limited to repairing things and getting
shot by that little floating droid thing Luke practices being a Jedi with.
Awesome.
It's ugly
The Falcon may be fast, strong, and full of surprises, but it's not exactly going to win
any beauty contests.
Even if it was in a good condition, Corellian freighters look like little more than giant
floating satellite dishes.
"What a piece of junk!"
Compare that to the sleek, shiny Naboo Royal Starship, the intimidating grandeur of the
Imperial Star Destroyer, or even the timeless, undeniable awesomeness of the X-wing.
If you've got any sense of style or shame, you're probably going to peer out of the Falcon's
cockpit window at least once, see somebody else's colorful, badass fighter and — just
for one moment — feel a twinge of jealousy surging through you.
And then you'd be spontaneously gassed to death because you got distracted and didn't
fix your ship in time.
Thanks, Millennium Falcon!
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