Alright, now when I was a kid, Pokemon cards were a big deal.
And I know I've already made a video about this.
But to put it simply,
the more Pokemon cards that you had as a kid, the more cool you were as a kid.
Especially if you had a bunch of those holographic sparkly bad boys.
Those cards determined your status on the playground back then.
"I get to be quarterback!"
"Uhm, why do you always get to be quarterback all the time?"
"Well, because I have more sparkly Pokemon cards than you do."
"So give me that goddamn vortex football!"
But out of all the Pokemon cards
nothing compared to the grand daddy holographic Charizard,
the Cadillac of Pokemon Cards.
And I'll never forget the day that I got my holographic Charizard.
Because it changed my whole damn life.
People on the street start looking at you different,
"Whoa, careful Susan, that kid's got a holographic Charizard!"
"I don't know what the hell that means, but I think it's dangerous."
All of a sudden you're big and bad.
Just like the big fire-breathing bastard that's on that card.
Hell, it might as well be a picture of me on that card, I'm so badass!
(Screech!)
So naturally, I had to take this thing to school
and show it off to all my dumbass friends.
"Holy sfmokef, is tfat a folographic Cfarizard?"
"Yes it is, Ricky!"
"Can you not spit all over me, like I'm some kind of goddamn Olsen twin?"
"Oh man, that's crazy, can I touch it?"
"Not on your life, Jacob, but I tell you what, I'll let you smell it if you want."
(Sniffs)
"Wow, it even smells holographic!"
"All right class, take your seats."
"Now remember, we're gonna be having a spelling test today after recess."
"Oh yeah, Mr.Jones, I don't know if you've heard, but..."
"I have a holographic Charizard now, and I'm a pretty big deal."
"So you can take that spelling test and shove it straight up your candy ass!"
So we go about the school day as usual,
even though all the kids are distracted about my sweet Charizard.
"Wow, look at him, he's so cool."
"He's almost as cool as Bill Clinton!"
So when it was time for recess that day,
I decided to put my precious Charizard in my desk for safekeeping.
And since you already read the goddamn title of this video,
you already know what's gonna happen next.
While I'm out there on the playground,
slinging fucking vortex footballs like John Elway,
somebody snuck into the classroom
and stole my sweet, sweet holographic Charizard!
Well, imagine my surprise, when I get back to the classroom
and BAM! No more Charizard.
I start getting all hysterical and shit.
"What the hell is going on?! I put it there!"
"If I put it there, that's where it should be,
shouldn't be anywhere else, right? That's the way the world works."
"Does the world not make any fucking sense anymore?!"
"Okay, class, everybody pull out a sheet of paper."
"We're gonna start this spelling test."
"Go to hell with your spelling test, Mr. Jones,
somebody kidnapped my Charizard!"
"I don't know what that means,
so take a seat and stop disrespecting the spelling test!"
"Was it you, Mr. Jones? Did you do it? I bet you did!"
"You look like a desperate piece of shit, that would steal from a child!"
But that was it, it was gone and I didn't know who took it.
"I had the world by its ass, damn it!"
The whole rest of the school day was pure torture.
"Alright, and your next spelling word is 'magnificent'."
"Something that is amazingly great is magnificent."
"Like a sunset, or a rainbow."
"Or that fucking holographic Charizard that you'll never see again in your life."
"Oh, God damn it!"
When I got home from school that day, I was so distraught,
my parents were sitting on the couch, like,
- What the hell happened to you? - Well, Dad, I had the world by its ass...
"And I let it slip through my dumb little fingers."
I go to bed and I'm having nightmares about it and shit.
"Hey it's me, your holographic Charizard, what the fuck happened?!"
"Uhm, I left you in my desk and somebody stole you today."
"Oh well, look like you're screwed now!"
"You could've been the next Bill Clinton, for Christ's sake!"
"But now instead you'll have to grow up and work at a goddamn car dealership."
"A car dealership?! NOOOO!"
So the next day I walk into the class and guess what I see!
It's Ricky over there and he's showing off his sweet new holographic Charizard.
"Chfeck my sfweet new Chfarizard! Wfho wants to fsmell it?"
- Ricky, is that my Charizard? - No, this is mine!
"Jacob over thfere just traded it to me thfis morning!"
I look and Jacob's over there, looking guilty as hell!
"Hey Jacob, where did you get that goddamn Charizard from?"
"Uh.. I.. I'm.. I found it on the bus!"
"Oh the bus, huh? I thought your old-ass grandma picked you up from school!"
"Oh yeah, she does, she drives the fucking school bus."
"All right, fine, I did it! I stole your Charizard yesterday!"
"I couldn't stand the guilt anymore, so I had to trade it to Ricky."
"God damn it, Jacob! Ricky, give me back my Charizard!"
"Well, I'm not giving it back, it'sff mine now!"
"Uh, well, that's receiving stolen property, Ricky, that's what that is!"
"Hey, Mr. Jones!"
"Can you give Ricky detention for committing a first-degree misdemeanor?"
"Yeah, I don't know, I guess."
"Okay, fine! Take your stfupid Chfarizard back!"
So that day I got my Charizard back and everything was right in the world.
I even still have that Charizard to this day!
But sadly, it did not make me the next Bill Clinton.
And even sadder still,
I still had to work at a goddamn car dealership!
"Oh, man!"
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