-Well, you guys, it seems like there's so much
going on right now.
The impeachment trial is all over the news.
The Grammy Awards are this Sunday.
The NFL Pro Bowl is this weekend
and we just found out that Mr. Peanut is dead.
[ Audience aws ] There's a lot to go over.
Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
It's time for a "News Smash."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪ [ Applause ]
First up, the impeachment trial.
The Democrats made their case for three days
and, now, we'll hear from the president's lawyers.
The two sides are going head-to-head,
almost like they're playing in the
Pro Bowl.
[ Laughter ] Players from the AFC and NFC
will square off this Sunday and everyone's excited.
It's been a long, grueling season,
so the players tend to play it safe
because no body wants an injury, especially to their
Nuts.
[ Laughter ] Planters announced this week
that their beloved mascot, Mr. Peanut, is dead.
Now, if you wanna see someone rocking a top hat, monocle,
cane, or some other crazy outfit,
you'll have to tune in to the
Grammys. Everyone will be [ Laughter ]
on the red carpet, but not without controversy.
A former employee says the whole nominating process is rigged.
If that's true, someone deserves to be
Impeached. The Democrats [ Laughter and applause ]
presented a lot of evidence,
but Republicans aren't turning on Trump.
The chances of him actually being removed from office seem
Dead. Mr. Peanut [ Laughter ]
met his demise after falling off a cliff.
It is a sad day for nuts, but a great day for
Sacks. Hopefully, [ Laughter ]
there'll be a lot of that at the Pro Bowl in Orlando,
which will cap off the NFL's 100th season.
Also in its 100th season,
the impeachment trial.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Trump claims what he did with Ukraine was perfect.
Democrats said he did something wrong,
but Trump seems to be feeling
♪ Good as hell ♪
[ Laughter ] Lizzo is
the most nominated artist at the Grammys,
thanks to her hit song "Truth Hurts."
You know what else hurts?
Not making the Super Bowl.
[ Laughter ] But that still
doesn't hurt as much as
Being smashed into a pulp.
[ Laughter ] I know it's just a PR stunt,
but I hope whoever did this gets caught and put on
Trial. So, in conclusion, [ Laughter ]
let's get ready to rock.
Let's get ready to talk.
Let's get ready to yell.
We'll always remember your show.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
[ Fresh cheering and applause ]
Thank you very much.
That's right, today it was the last day
for Democrats to give their opening arguments
in Trump's impeachment trial.
And this is nice: At the end,
all the House managers got up and sang
Green Day's "Time of Your Life."
[ Laughter ]
♪ Something unpredictable ♪
♪ And in the end it's right ♪
[ Cheering and applause ] No.
Democrats --
Clearly, we didn't rehearse that.
[ Laughter ] Thank you, Roots.
I don't know who was more off, me or you.
[ Laughter ]
I know it was me.
[ Laughter ] Now that the Democrats are done,
Republicans will start their opening statements tomorrow
and Trump's already complaining
that his defense will start on a Saturday.
He tweeted that Saturday is "Death valley in T.V."
[ Laughter ]
Trump could get removed from office
and he's complaining about ratings.
[ Laughter ] It's like when Nixon famously said...
[as Nixon] I'll resign, but I want "Happy Days"
as my lead-in. [ Laughter ]
Check this out: I read that Las Vegas is no longer using
its famous slogan, "What happens here stays here."
They've already come up with a new slogan:
"What happens here gets posted on Instagram and you're fired."
[ Laughter ]
This isn't good. I read about a grandmother in San Diego
who was just caught with 200 pounds of meth.
[ Audience oohs ] Friends knew something was up
when she was playing 50 Bingo cards at once.
[ Rapid tapping ]
[ Laughter ]
Well --
[ Fresh laughter ]
[ Rapid tapping ] No, thank you. Sorry.
[ Laughter and applause ] It was already
still happening in my brain, yeah.
That's like me with Whac-A-Mole, yeah.
Well, it's the end of another crazy week
and, since there's too much to talk about,
instead of giving you a full week in review,
we decided to put together a little montage
that just focuses on the keywords used this week.
It's something we call "This Week in Words."
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
♪♪
♪ Congress, witness, House, subpoena ♪
♪ Planters has killed off Mr. Peanut ♪
♪ Chiefs and the 9ers ♪
♪ Raiders, switches ♪
♪ Brad and Jen ♪
♪ I'm back, bitches! ♪
♪ Democrat, Republican, rank-and-file ♪
♪ President Trump's impeachment trial ♪
♪ That I can get in trouble? ♪
♪ What did I say? ♪
♪ He was self-impeaching ♪
♪ Almost every single day ♪
♪ Come on! Controversial lawyers ♪
♪ Blast from the past ♪
♪ Ken Starr is terrific ♪
♪ Ken Starr is a disaster ♪
♪ So many things you haven't seen ♪
♪ The way this baby looks at ice cream ♪
[ Cheering and applause ] -We have a great show!