- Hey, this is Marisa.
You know, in my life I've been
what you might call in agony.
On a Sunday newspaper, in "Closer" magazine,
for "Cosmopolitan" and even for "Men's Health" magazine,
people would write to me all the time
with the same thing.
"I can't go after my goals.
"I'm worried about what people think."
(light inspirational music)
We hold ourselves back 'cause we're so worried
about what you will think.
And now, it's got worse.
"I put something up on Facebook
"and then I'm looking to see how many likes I've got.
"I got two, and now I think,
"oh, people don't like me.
"I put something on Instagram or Twitter
"and I got no likes, no comments, no followers.
"Now I feel worthless,
"but if I put it up and someone liked me,
"I feel worthwhile."
And you know what they're doing?
They are giving someone else permission
to decide if you are worthwhile or not worthwhile.
So I'm gonna tell you something that is so truthful
it will change your life.
You ready?
The most important words you will ever hear
are the words you say to yourself.
The most important opinion is your opinion.
And after all, if you went into a store and said,
"Is this okay?
"Does this colour suit me?"
They're gonna go, "Oh, that's your colour,
"and that's your,
"so you know, actually you should get
"that in three other colours,
"and you should get this to go with it."
It's very easy for people in stores to manipulate us.
It's very easy to say,
"Oh, you know, I felt kind of manipulated
"into buying that.
"The assistant was so nice."
Or, you know, "I didn't really want that,
"but I didn't know how to say no."
Or "My boss at work praised me and said,
"'You're amazing, you're the best team member.
"'You are indispensable.
"'Could you take on this other person's work
"'and finish it this weekend?'"
And it's like, "What could I say?
"They totally manipulated me with praise."
So your mind understands.
Other people can tell you great stuff,
but they may have an agenda.
They may not, but they might.
And often when people say something great we go,
"What do you want?
"Why are you being so nice to me?
"What do you want?
"You must want something."
So that's true.
When other people want something,
they often start by praising you,
and then they hit you with what they want.
"Oh, you're my favourite cousin in the world,
"and of all my cousins you're the best.
"And could you lend me some money?
"Could I hit you up for something?"
So there's an agenda,
but your mind also understands
when you say things to yourself,
there's no agenda.
If you say, "I'm great," there's no agenda.
If you say, "I'm useless," there's no agenda.
Whatever you say to yourself, it sinks in.
Your mind doesn't stop to say,
is what you're saying to yourself useful,
beneficial, helpful, relevant?
Is it even true?
No, it doesn't, it just lets it in.
So when you say to yourself,
"I am significant.
"I matter, I'm lovable.
"I've got a talent.
"I've got something to offer the world.
"Don't know what it is,
"but I believe that the universe
"that put me on the planet
"gave me something to do on this planet,
"and I'm going to find it."
When you praise yourself,
there is nothing nothing nothing
that will grow your self esteem like praise.
And there is nothing that will diminish it
faster than criticism.
Self esteem means what I think of me.
If after all, I said, you know,
"I hold you in the highest esteem."
That's what I think of you,
but self esteem is what you think of you.
And to stop caring what other people think,
to stop holding back from talking to someone,
going for the job you want,
the person the want, the life you want,
in case they reject you.
The way to do that is first of all to praise yourself,
praise yourself a lot.
Secondly, there's something else to consider,
and it's so true.
You cannot be rejected ever,
unless you give the person rejecting you
permission to reject you.
After all if I said to you, "Yeah, I just don't like you
"'cause I don't like anyone who's got bright purple hair,"
you'd go, "Well, I don't have bright purple hair.
"What are you talking about?"
You wouldn't let it in.
But if I said, "I don't like you.
"You're so boring.
"There's nothing to you.
"You're just dull and not very smart,"
you might let that in.
You see how you have a choice?
You get to choose what to let in and not to let in.
If you want to grow in self esteem,
praise yourself a lot every day.
It doesn't make you big-headed.
It doesn't make you arrogant.
You know why?
Because arrogance is just the other end
of the scale of insecurity.
Here's someone who's deeply insecure saying,
"Am I okay?
"Do you like me?
"Are you sure?"
And there's someone here saying, "I'm so great, me.
"I'm amazing," but you know they're the same person.
The person here is trying to convince you
they're worth it,
and the person here is asking you to convince them
they're worth it.
The person here knows they're worth it,
'cause they work at what they want to hear
and they say it themselves.
"I matter, I'm significant."
You know, we live in an interesting world.
30 years ago your boss would go,
"Hey, good job, well done.
"What you did today was really good.
"You did that or that or that."
And now we work for startup, we work at home.
We don't have anyone saying, "Oh, good job.
"You handled that client so well,"
or "You did something really good today."
We don't have that,
and if you can't do it,
then you'll never get praise
and your praise muscle like any muscle isn't used,
will atrophy, will wither away.
So it's even more important now than ever before
to praise yourself,
to say at the end of a day,
"I did a great job today,"
or "I listened to someone,"
or "I made a great sale.
"I worked with a challenging person.
"I worked in a challenging situation."
You must praise yourself.
It doesn't make you arrogant,
but it does make you not needy.
Praise grows you like a little flower without the sun.
It makes you grow.
So to not care about what other people think,
and to care about what you think, praise yourself.
Do it every day.
You don't have to go, "Yeah, right,
"I am the most amazing person in the whole world,
"better than everyone."
You just say things that are true.
"I'm a good person.
"I've got a kind heart.
"I'm warm, I'm nice.
"I make mistakes.
"I'm not always warm and nice,
"but actually the core of me,
"I'm a nice person.
"I like myself.
"I like myself, I believe in myself.
"I can understand why anyone would like me,
"'cause I like me."
And you know what else?
It doesn't even have to be true.
If you say it every day it becomes true.
That's the problem.
People say every day, "I'm a loser.
"I'll never amount to anything.
"I wasn't even wanted.
"How could I ever be anything?
"Who could love me?
"I've got three kids and cellulite,"
or "I've got no job and a beaten up old car."
And if you say that every day,
you make it true.
Your mind doesn't care what you tell it.
You make your beliefs,
and then your beliefs make you
and then the world starts to actually
make real what you believe.
I believe that all dogs are vicious people,
and bite me, that's whatever.
I believe that all people are out to rip me off,
and I get ripped off.
I believe that all people are rude, and I find that.
I believe that you're actually incredibly kind
and nice and helpful, and I find that.
You make your beliefs.
Your beliefs make you.
The world matches and mirrors back
to what you've already chosen to believe.
Make different beliefs.
Believe in you.
Stop caring what the world thinks about you,
and care what you think about you.
Because the day you start to say, "I'm significant.
"I matter, I'm enough.
"I've got something to offer the world.
"I believe in myself.
"I'm a good person, interesting, likeable, lovable."
When you do that you start to believe it.
And then the whole world
will start to believe what you believe,
mirror what you believe,
match what you believe.
So you get to choose what you believe,
since your mind doesn't care what you believe.
Since you make your beliefs,
then your beliefs make you,
you might as well make your beliefs amazing.
You got nothing to lose,
except low self esteem,
and everything to gain by making your beliefs better.
Make your beliefs amazing,
believe in you, and that is how you stop caring
what other people think,
and only care what you think.
What other people think about you doesn't matter.
'Cause one would say, "I love you
"'cause you're so funny.
"I love you 'cause you're so smart.
"I love you 'cause you're."
Other people say, "I don't like you.
"You're a show-off.
"You're too funny.
"You're big-headed, you're arrogant."
You can't make everyone like you.
But you can like you, and you know I write books?
I'm very lucky.
Most people like my books.
They like my talks,
but if I look on YouTube,
often it's, "I hate that girl.
"Who does she think she is?
"Stuck up, arrogant know-it-all."
And I had to go, "Oh my God.
"You don't like me?
"You said my talk was blah blah blah,
"a waste of your time."
People have said some pretty horrible things.
I can laugh about it.
I can tell you about it, you know why?
I don't let it in.
I know that my talks are,
somebody said to me the other day on a talk,
"If you really cared,
"you'd do it for nothing."
I'm like, "I am doing it for nothing.
"That's why it's on YouTube."
I didn't bother to reply to her 'cause I thought,
wow, strange they can't see that.
But I didn't let it in.
You can't make me feel bad about myself
unless I give you my permission.
And while it's very nice if you like me,
really nice, what matters is that I like me.
And it's the same for you.
You can't feel bad unless you let someone
make you feel bad.
Nobody can make you feel bad without your consent,
and if you want to care less
what other people feel about you,
care more about what you feel about you.
And now you have absolutely cracked it.
And you're gonna win at your life,
pretty much all the time,
and that's amazing.
If you want to find out more,
go to marisapeer.com and you can find out
how to wire in, fire in,
code in and instal in what you think about you,
and it will be life-changing, I promise.
Thanks for tuning in.
See you very soon.