(upbeat hip-hop music)
- You know what? You know what?
Let's just see what random idiots on social media are saying
about #NationalRelaxationDay, all right?
I'm just gonna find one of these random people
and just see what people are saying about this.
All right, so this idiot here, right?
(crowd laughing)
"Don't worry, be happy.
#NationalRelaxationDay."
Otter swimming on water.
Clearly, this person doesn't know
what the (beep) is going on in the world right now.
Otherwise, he wouldn't be saying asinine shit like this.
(crowd applauding)
Another great tweet, Trevor.
I can see why you have so many followers
'cause your tweets just really make us think.
- No, you don't!
Enough of this, man!
Stop roasting my tweets.
You're just roasting my tweets.
- Hey, hey!
It's National Relaxation Day, okay?
(crowd laughing)
Have some respect.
- Why am I here again?
- What do you mean, why are you here? For the traffic.
- Just yesterday.
I did the traffic yesterday.
Why would I do it again?
- Oh, because there's traffic every day.
(crowd laughing)
You think this is strange?
- I didn't know that I had to do this every day.
I told that I would do it,
but I just told it be once a week.
I didn't know this was gonna be-
- What are you talking about? Why?
- Some every day come to work every day type shit.
I was not prepared.
- [Trevor] Roy, can you just tell us
what the traffic is, please?
- I've been trying to understand the male experience better
by acting like a man,
like I've been getting paid more for no reason.
I have like, three friends named Kyle.
I'm talking a lot about Bitcoin,
even though I don't know anything about Bitcoin.
(crowd laughing)
- Wow, Desi, it sounds like you're really doing-
- I've been interrupting people more.
(crowd laughing)
Getting really good at that.
(crowd applauding and cheering)
- Well, great.
Well, maybe-
- It's easy once you get the hang of it. (crowd laughing)
- So if we-
- All you have to do is wait until someone starts talking
and then you start talking.
- Desi, I know what interrupting is.
It's when you speak on top of somebody else.
- Oh, actually, Trevor, it's when you interject
before someone's completed their thoughts.
- Desi, stop mansplaining to me!
Just get to the weather!
- Okay, all right! Calm down.
Don't act crazy.
(crowd laughing)
Take it easy.
Has anyone told you you should smile more?
(crowd laughs)
Give it a try.
Let's see those dimples.
- This is Twitter going private
and this is the biggest thing to happen to Wall Street
since the cocaine shortage of '96, all right?
I was there, Trevor.
It was the scariest hour and a half of my life, okay?
Now, Twitter was a publicly traded company
and then after this right here, it's private, okay?
Does everybody understand that?
Public.
Private.
(crowd laughing)
All right, your opinion matters here
because you're a member of the public,
but then after a single owner took over,
everybody can shut the (beep) up about Twitter, okay?
Unless you have $44 billion,
it doesn't matter what you think of Twitter.
Trevor, what do you think about Twitter?
- Well, I think it if you don't-
- It doesn't matter what you think, Trevor.
- Can you just give us the lotto numbers
right now, please, Dulcé?
We need the numbers.
- Ugh, fine.
1, 13, 21, 8, 34.
Bye!
- No, Dulcé, no! - What?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I gave you the number. What?
- [Trevor] No, you used all of my time for your stories
and none of them for the lotto.
- I was talking about the news.
- Yeah, what I'm saying,
you can't do them all at once, right?
You gotta like, take your time.
Build the suspense.
- Oh, suspense. - Yeah.
- I got your suspense.
(crowd laughing and applauding)
Bye!
Enough with the podcasts!
Enough podcasting.
It's gone to the point where every unqualified loser
with a mouth and a microphone has a podcast now, all right?
I mean, just look at this guy.
(crowd laughing)
New podcast episode drops tomorrow.
Okay, first of all, you don't drop a podcast episode, okay?
This isn't a Kendrick Lamar album.
(crowd laughs)
Also, On Second Thought.
Oh, that's a really nice title.
Here's a third thought.
Do you need a TV show and a podcast?
I mean, how much do you need to hear yourself speak?
(crowd applauds)
And look at this pensive podcasting face here.
I'm so serious.
Look at me being serious.
It almost looks like you freed someone
from prison with your podcast.
Have you?
Have you gotten anyone out of prison?
Free Steve Bannon, man.
Free my boy Bannon.
Yo Bannon, what's up?
Hang in there. We'll get you out.
- What's happening in the traffic?
(crowd laughing)
- What do you wanna know?
- I don't know why you always-
- Why do you wanna know about traffic?
- Why do we have to fight about this?
Roy, I wanna know what the traffic is, okay?
- You want know traffic? - Yeah.
- Okay. All right, all right, all right.
That is a car.
(crowd laughs)
When there's a group of them, it is called a traffic.
So that is a group of traffics all moving around.
I mean, honestly, like, what we really need
to be talking about is how the price of gas went down
and that's why traffic went up
'cause everybody outside driving again.
It's terrible. This is terrible.
- [Trevor] No, no. Wait.
- Gas going down is terrible.
- No, you can't say it's terrible.
You were the one standing here saying
you want the price of gas to go down.
That's what you said.
- When I said that?
(crowd laughs)
- [Trevor] Yo, you said that on the show.
- On this show?
I said it on this show?
- Which other show? Roy, you said it on this show.
- You can't prove that. We ain't got no tapes.
- What's happening in the weather?
- I don't know.
My WiFi's down, so my weather app doesn't work.
You know, Trevor, it's interesting.
You're going on and on about the epidemic of wage theft.
Meanwhile, ignoring the wage theft
going on right in front of you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, Desi.
What are you talking about? You're getting paid.
- Well, sure, maybe for doing the weather.
- Well, actually, you never actually do the weather
- But there is a ton of other stuff
that I do that I'm not compensated for.
Like, I spend hours of the workday
selling my bathtub kombucha on Etsy
and I haven't seen a dime from this show.
- Look, Desi, that's not wage theft.
We're not paying you to do that.
- Exactly, you're not paying me to do that
and it's how I spend most of my time in the office at work.
- Dulcé, I wanted you to do the lottery.
Like, you know on the news and then you do the thing.
We brought the machine.
That's the machine.
Why do you think there's a machine there?
- That's not gum?
(crowd laughs)
This ain't a big gumball machine?
- [Trevor] No, it's not, Dulcé.
- Son of a bitch!
- No, that's where the numbers are gonna pop up.
You're gonna do the thing, tell us what the numbers are,
and then you know, we know who won.
- What do you think I am,
a 50-year-old white woman in Florida?
Why am I pulling lot of numbers on TV?
- [Trevor] Because that's what they do.
Dulcé, please just do the numbers.
That's what, you know?
- All right, fine. I work here.
Cool. You know.
(crowd laughs)
Start the machine!
(upbeat jazz music)
Oh, yeah!
Okay.
- [Trevor] Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay. We got it. We got it.
- Okay. - All right.
- All right.
(crowd cheers)
- Wait, there's no number on the ball.
There's supposed to be a number on the ball.
- Is it?
- [Trevor] Wait, you didn't put the numbers on the balls?
- I'm supposed to put the numbers on the balls?
- [Trevor] I sent this to you in the email.
- I was supposed to read that whole email?
- Dulcé, who doesn't read a whole email?
It's one email!
- Listen, you know, if you want a number, I can give.
What number you want? What your ticket say?
- No, I don't want.
You can't just ask me for a number.
What do you mean? - I know about numbers, man.
I can count to a thousand in Spanish, bro.
- [Trevor] That's actually impressive.
- Thank you.
Just give me a number. What you want?
- Oh, I don't know.
15.
- 11.
(crowd laughs)
- Hey Trevor, thanks a lot.
Before we begin, I just want to check.
Do you have any major announcements you want to make first?
Any emotional or life-changing decisions
about your professional life
that you might wanna talk about before I get started?
(crowd laughs)
- Actually, yes, there is one thing
that I've had on my mind.
- Shut the (beep) up, all right? No more announcements!
No more. Just let me get through this one segment
without becoming a surprise face meme again
with a stupid curb your enthusiasm music.
Yeah, very original, idiots.
Memes of the comedy of lesser minds.
- Let me ask you a question about this.
- [Trevor] Yeah.
- Why do I always have to do the traffic? (crowd laughs)
Why?
Because it's always bad.
It's always this shit and then people associate that,
but then you put my name to it.
Roy with the traffic.
Then they associate me with that
when what it should be is Roy with the traffic,
brought to you by Trevor Noah.
You...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
But it's not a bad thing.
It's not a bad thing.
Like, no one's hating you because of the traffic.
- You don't see the tweets that I get
on a regular basis about this traffic.
I don't appreciate that.
Also, speaking of which, why don't I have a chair?
(crowd laughs and applauds)
Why I can't?
- [Trevor] Well, because I wanna inspire you
to keep things moving.
- Oh, well let me help you out then.
(crowd cheers)
- Wow.
Thank you so much for that.
(upbeat pop music)